And I mean that with all the sarcasm possible. It isn't fun, it isn't even close. I don't even know why I'm here. Why am I in a place that leaves me feeling worthless? Answers? Anyone? No? Yeah, that's pretty much what I thought.
Just in case you haven't noticed yet, I'm not a mind reader. You have to ask if you want something done. Heard of that one? Asking? No?
I shouldn't even care. But I do. I should of just left months ago. But I didn't. I don't even know why. It's so weird. I don't know.
Did I ever know? Have I ever known? Probably not. I think I do want to know though, I think. I don't know. I hate me. I hate me so much. I can't get anything right, ever. I just screw everything up, ruin all my relationships and I don't even know how!
Destined to be alone. Apparently.
- CG
PS. Sorry for all the random crap. I feel shit
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Am I looking for something that just doesn't exist?
I feel like I am. Does the happy, whole feeling I desire truly exist? Or do I need to be aided by anti depressants? If I have to be aided by meds, then I don't want it, because that's not true happiness. Is it? I feel, that if I have to take drugs to get through life, then I lose.
Maybe that's the wrong attitude to have, but it's my attitude and I guess you're just going to have to deal with it. I'm not saying the medications are wrong, I just don't like them for me. Seems a bit of a warped reality if I need to, effectively, have the meds to function. It's like being a drug addict only its condoned. [oh yes I did just go there!]
So I spent much of today drawing the same pattern in different school books and musing different things. I spend way too much time wondering how I got here. Why am I still here? How did this happen? Did I do something? How can I change that? Is it fixable? Am I stuck? Will it get better? Do I have to hurt like this? Is the hiding necessary? What about the lies? How many people do I need to hurt? How many scars will I have before it's a distant memory? Will I ever want to eat again? Will my body ever heal? Will I be incapacitated forever? For how much longer can I hold on before I finally let go?
So many questions, so little answers. For how long can I suffer before I slip right off the edge? It's kind of like I'm already hanging by a thread. Specially after last week. It's really hard to go on with it all after that. I can't pick myself up this time. I feel really down and I'm tired, so tired. The fighting really does it you know. You get tired and you pick fights with the people around you. And the people around start to get iffy around you and pretty soon you're no longer sure who is there for you and who is not.
I know a few people who are there for me, but I am still reluctant to bring this stuff up. They stop responding after awhile and you do feel like no one is listening, so you think twice about bringing it up again. And I feel really bad sometimes, because nobody ever knows what to say. What do you say?
"Oh hey, I'm thinking about killing myself tonight."
" :S"
Yeah, that's pretty much it. And it's the same deal for self harm, self esteem, body image etc etc. Who wants to be here anyway?
- CG
Maybe that's the wrong attitude to have, but it's my attitude and I guess you're just going to have to deal with it. I'm not saying the medications are wrong, I just don't like them for me. Seems a bit of a warped reality if I need to, effectively, have the meds to function. It's like being a drug addict only its condoned. [oh yes I did just go there!]
So I spent much of today drawing the same pattern in different school books and musing different things. I spend way too much time wondering how I got here. Why am I still here? How did this happen? Did I do something? How can I change that? Is it fixable? Am I stuck? Will it get better? Do I have to hurt like this? Is the hiding necessary? What about the lies? How many people do I need to hurt? How many scars will I have before it's a distant memory? Will I ever want to eat again? Will my body ever heal? Will I be incapacitated forever? For how much longer can I hold on before I finally let go?
So many questions, so little answers. For how long can I suffer before I slip right off the edge? It's kind of like I'm already hanging by a thread. Specially after last week. It's really hard to go on with it all after that. I can't pick myself up this time. I feel really down and I'm tired, so tired. The fighting really does it you know. You get tired and you pick fights with the people around you. And the people around start to get iffy around you and pretty soon you're no longer sure who is there for you and who is not.
I know a few people who are there for me, but I am still reluctant to bring this stuff up. They stop responding after awhile and you do feel like no one is listening, so you think twice about bringing it up again. And I feel really bad sometimes, because nobody ever knows what to say. What do you say?
"Oh hey, I'm thinking about killing myself tonight."
" :S"
Yeah, that's pretty much it. And it's the same deal for self harm, self esteem, body image etc etc. Who wants to be here anyway?
- CG
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Lol
I'm not laughing or anything, but 'lol' is a word I like to hide behind. It gives the impression that I'm happy and attentive, which I am not.
Deep inside I'm constantly revaluing myself and this vicious cycle will eventually do some major damage, if it hasn't already of course.
All I really want to do now, is change this life for something new. After my dreaming, I woke with this fear, what am I leaving when I'm done here? When my time comes, please forget the wrong that I've done and don't resent me. I'm strong on the surface, but not all the way through, I've simply learnt to hide the hurt.
The hardest part of ending is starting again.
- CG
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
And So I Breathe Another Day
I feel I should warn you all before you read this, because this is not a happy blog. This is a sad blog that is triggering and something you shouldn't read if you are feeling significantly happy. This blog entry is very raw because it is a true account of what happened. If you continue to do so, you did so by your own free will and I don't want to hear anything of it. Because you chose to read this.
Hugs to all of you
I'm not happy. I cut myself. I decided I wanted to die last night.
Evidently, I didn't go through with it last night. I'm not really sure why, probably because its different holding nurofen and holding a drug you know will kill you. Probably because I'm gutless or just too strong.
And I got on with life today. Resilience. I don't want it anymore. Just want to lie down and stay down for awhile, not have to deal with things. Because dealing with things is not something I want to do right now. Right now I want to look after me. And after that, I think school and relationships will be important. But that is not how things are working out, as they never work out they way I want them to. School and relationships come before me, I have to plug away for everyone around me, because it wouldn't be fair if just one day I ceased to exist.
I did spend a lot of time questioning. Questioning who would notice. Would it take them a week, maybe two? Would they notice because my tumblr went dead or because I ceased to update my status on Facebook or go online on msn. Would I be missed because I stopped posting racing photos or silly facts, or because of who I was? What would people remember about me? Would they remember the depressed kid with the suss scars on her arm or someone they had good times with? I can't answer these questions. I was assured it would be noticed. But how soon would anyone know if I didn't talk to anyone, air my thoughts, my fears, my feelings?
And so I went to school and no one was the wiser. I was tired, maybe a bit grumpy, but otherwise normal. No one was to know. But when I say no one, I mean no one at school because two people did know. And these two people are two people I think the world of, two people who I cannot thank enough. Two people who thought they were losing me and lost hours talking me down. I was sure it was over, but I was wrong. I'm not glad I was wrong right now, but I'm sure I will be in the future, maybe.
I actually wrote lengthy letters to the people who came to mind last night. So for anyone who thinks I wasn't all that serious about it, I kind of was. It took me ages between the tears and the almost constant exchange of texts. I wrote that I loved these people and that this was not their fault. It really kind of was, but you can't write that in these letters. I wrote about the good times, and I wrote about what I liked about them. I told them all to never change and to never give up. And I meant every word.
Despite the things I say sometimes, I love each of you.
And then I had the tablets. As I mentioned earlier, it is very different when you hold a relatively harmless drug and one you know will kill you. When you hold the killer, your life is in the balance, and you think about everything. And I mean everything. I thought about the things I would have done today. The people I wouldn't have spoken to. The people I would never meet. Who I regretted not getting to know better and the relationships I regretted never fixing. I thought about all the people who hurt me, and I sincerely hoped they suffered. I sincerely hoped a lot of people suffered, everyone who made me suffer, deserved to suffer. I thought about the people who didn't deserve to suffer, and I knew that they would suffer too. The people I never said goodbye to, I thought about them. I thought about the people I did say goodbye to. I thought about next week, I thought about 'my' horses, the ones I'll never get to strap. How I'd never swim Bruce again. How the stable would never see me again. How I wouldn't be in pain anymore, how I wouldn't be the one suffering. How I would have finally done something purely selfish, for the most selfish of reasons.
And I couldn't do it.
There were no more tears, I added one new cut and I went to sleep.
Where does this leave me? Right now, I'm empty and somewhat confused. Empty because I caved and confused because I don't know what to do next. What do you do next? There won't be any professional help, no hospital visits, no trips to the doctors.
Where do I go from here? Well, on the advice of a teacher who has no idea of the depth of my issues, I will *try* to take it one day at a time. I don't think I can, but that is my current principle.
Remind me from time to time when you see me around.
- CG
Hugs to all of you
I'm not happy. I cut myself. I decided I wanted to die last night.
Evidently, I didn't go through with it last night. I'm not really sure why, probably because its different holding nurofen and holding a drug you know will kill you. Probably because I'm gutless or just too strong.
And I got on with life today. Resilience. I don't want it anymore. Just want to lie down and stay down for awhile, not have to deal with things. Because dealing with things is not something I want to do right now. Right now I want to look after me. And after that, I think school and relationships will be important. But that is not how things are working out, as they never work out they way I want them to. School and relationships come before me, I have to plug away for everyone around me, because it wouldn't be fair if just one day I ceased to exist.
I did spend a lot of time questioning. Questioning who would notice. Would it take them a week, maybe two? Would they notice because my tumblr went dead or because I ceased to update my status on Facebook or go online on msn. Would I be missed because I stopped posting racing photos or silly facts, or because of who I was? What would people remember about me? Would they remember the depressed kid with the suss scars on her arm or someone they had good times with? I can't answer these questions. I was assured it would be noticed. But how soon would anyone know if I didn't talk to anyone, air my thoughts, my fears, my feelings?
And so I went to school and no one was the wiser. I was tired, maybe a bit grumpy, but otherwise normal. No one was to know. But when I say no one, I mean no one at school because two people did know. And these two people are two people I think the world of, two people who I cannot thank enough. Two people who thought they were losing me and lost hours talking me down. I was sure it was over, but I was wrong. I'm not glad I was wrong right now, but I'm sure I will be in the future, maybe.
I actually wrote lengthy letters to the people who came to mind last night. So for anyone who thinks I wasn't all that serious about it, I kind of was. It took me ages between the tears and the almost constant exchange of texts. I wrote that I loved these people and that this was not their fault. It really kind of was, but you can't write that in these letters. I wrote about the good times, and I wrote about what I liked about them. I told them all to never change and to never give up. And I meant every word.
Despite the things I say sometimes, I love each of you.
And then I had the tablets. As I mentioned earlier, it is very different when you hold a relatively harmless drug and one you know will kill you. When you hold the killer, your life is in the balance, and you think about everything. And I mean everything. I thought about the things I would have done today. The people I wouldn't have spoken to. The people I would never meet. Who I regretted not getting to know better and the relationships I regretted never fixing. I thought about all the people who hurt me, and I sincerely hoped they suffered. I sincerely hoped a lot of people suffered, everyone who made me suffer, deserved to suffer. I thought about the people who didn't deserve to suffer, and I knew that they would suffer too. The people I never said goodbye to, I thought about them. I thought about the people I did say goodbye to. I thought about next week, I thought about 'my' horses, the ones I'll never get to strap. How I'd never swim Bruce again. How the stable would never see me again. How I wouldn't be in pain anymore, how I wouldn't be the one suffering. How I would have finally done something purely selfish, for the most selfish of reasons.
And I couldn't do it.
There were no more tears, I added one new cut and I went to sleep.
Where does this leave me? Right now, I'm empty and somewhat confused. Empty because I caved and confused because I don't know what to do next. What do you do next? There won't be any professional help, no hospital visits, no trips to the doctors.
Where do I go from here? Well, on the advice of a teacher who has no idea of the depth of my issues, I will *try* to take it one day at a time. I don't think I can, but that is my current principle.
Remind me from time to time when you see me around.
- CG
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
No One Actually Listens
You know, I thought I was having trouble with the 'why', but now I know exactly why.
It's because no one cares. So don't you all comment and go "oh we do care" because I don't think you do. I don't think anyone does.
They all said that I could talk to them about anything, anytime and now, when I try to talk to them, they change the subject. Thanks, I'm glad I mean so much. I was even told they'd never let me go again and gee, look what happened. But I don't know why I ever expected anything different. After everything I've been through, how could I have ever expected anything more? Is this what I get for putting my faith in humanity. I hope not, because I'm a bit shattered.
And it's not even just when I want to talk, it seems the lately anything I say is pretty much not heard. But that's okay you know.
So who are my friends then? I don't know anymore, I really don't know.
- CG
It's because no one cares. So don't you all comment and go "oh we do care" because I don't think you do. I don't think anyone does.
They all said that I could talk to them about anything, anytime and now, when I try to talk to them, they change the subject. Thanks, I'm glad I mean so much. I was even told they'd never let me go again and gee, look what happened. But I don't know why I ever expected anything different. After everything I've been through, how could I have ever expected anything more? Is this what I get for putting my faith in humanity. I hope not, because I'm a bit shattered.
And it's not even just when I want to talk, it seems the lately anything I say is pretty much not heard. But that's okay you know.
So who are my friends then? I don't know anymore, I really don't know.
"ehh who knows, we're actors to fates stage, we dont get to choose our roles, we just get landed with the shit"Bye for now but not forever,
- CG
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