Nine days until summer holidays end and I have to start the long road that is years 11 and 12. It's not going to be easy, and well duh, its not meant to be. It's just going to be so much work - work I'm not dedicated to. And I've never been dedicated to my school work. I'm not going to lie, a lot of my assignments are last minute jobs.
At the beginning of each year I always tell myself that I'm going to put in some effort and it lasts two weeks, maybe three and then I get lazy again. I'm not interested and so far not being interested is getting my by quite nicely. I did no more than four pages of book work in maths first semester last year and still passed the exam.
So I don't know whether its the implied workload or the expectations that will king hit me. Everyone expects me to do well and expects that I'll be fine. Actually, I think it will be expectations. When my end of year report arrived my parents zero'd in on the ONE below par mark. The whole report was mediocre for me, but there's one 65% mark and shit hit the fan. That's what I'm dealing with. It's a sin to be mediocre when you can do better in this house.
- CG
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Well, hey
It's been over a month. It's also 2011. It's okay, I haven't cut so far this year. But I've wished to die, but not nearly as often as I've wished to leave.
It's so peaceful when I get away. I relax, and you know, I'd almost go as far as to say I'm happy. Nobody to tell me how ungrateful I am, how useless I am, how unappreciative I am. I'm somebody. I'm useful. There's a point. It takes less than five minutes for my family to take this away from me. It always happens on the car ride home. And I can't say this to anyone. Not my family, not my friends. Just my mostly faceless readers. I don't understand why things have to be this way. Is it more disruptive staying or leaving?
People talk these next two years up as the most important two years of anyone's schooling life. It's make or break time. A time that requires stability and focus. I have neither. I'm not even at school and I hate the thought and my family is making sure that stability is almost non-existent.
Am I being unreasonable and selfish though? So many times people have said to me "what have you got to be sad about" (or words to that effect). And sometimes I wonder. Because I have a family, food, a home, friends, I go to school, I'm smart... I think this is why I have so much trouble talking to people. Because they think I'm being selfish. That I'm doing this of my absolute free will. That I enjoy this. I suppose it's okay to think like that when you're on the outside and you don't have to live with it.
I've kind of forgotten where this was going and I think I've accidentally managed to change the subject. So I'll just wander off about now.
- CG
It's so peaceful when I get away. I relax, and you know, I'd almost go as far as to say I'm happy. Nobody to tell me how ungrateful I am, how useless I am, how unappreciative I am. I'm somebody. I'm useful. There's a point. It takes less than five minutes for my family to take this away from me. It always happens on the car ride home. And I can't say this to anyone. Not my family, not my friends. Just my mostly faceless readers. I don't understand why things have to be this way. Is it more disruptive staying or leaving?
People talk these next two years up as the most important two years of anyone's schooling life. It's make or break time. A time that requires stability and focus. I have neither. I'm not even at school and I hate the thought and my family is making sure that stability is almost non-existent.
Am I being unreasonable and selfish though? So many times people have said to me "what have you got to be sad about" (or words to that effect). And sometimes I wonder. Because I have a family, food, a home, friends, I go to school, I'm smart... I think this is why I have so much trouble talking to people. Because they think I'm being selfish. That I'm doing this of my absolute free will. That I enjoy this. I suppose it's okay to think like that when you're on the outside and you don't have to live with it.
I've kind of forgotten where this was going and I think I've accidentally managed to change the subject. So I'll just wander off about now.
- CG
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