So yeah. Title pretty much says it all I think. The feelings are suffocating, strong and demanding. They demand your full attention. And its not something I want to spend three hundred words on, because I really need to stop thinking about all that, because it is truly self defeating. So, moving on.
I spend last night raiding my dad's itunes collection. I think his music is fantastic. And it was an awesome distracton, so some 245 songs later I'm feeling pretty good about my playlist. INXS is very, very cool. They were great. Not so keen on the 'new' INXS, but the old one was good. R.E.M, Radiohead. I feel like I missed out. I'm stuck with all this dance/tekno stuff, and its not so cool.. in my opinion of course.
And my previously mentioned friend Jacinta and I, have pretty much planned our lives out of school (another epic distraction). So essentially, we're going to go to the races a lot and hang out heaps. We're going to be living the life apparently.
That's all for now!
Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG
PS. Yet another of my friends would like a shoutout so Laura, hey! I hope your trip is going well. Wow, it feels like I've known you forever now - year seven was such a long time ago. By the way... check out her blog
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
So... I'm not sure how this happened
I was sitting up last night, you know - not sleeping, and decided to learn something. So, my ulnar nerve is inflammed, and as you can imagine that would really piss off my ulnar collateral ligament, which totally explains the pain in that part of my elbow. And because my tendons are usually just dodgy, and it doesn't take a whole lot to upset them, my biceps tendon is obviously upset too, which explains further pain. Attached to my ulna is my flexor muscle, and its upset because the nerve runs through it. Attached to my radius is my extensor muscle which is upset because not only is a pissed off ulnar collateral ligament attached to it, so is a sore biceps tendon. So, now that you're sort of hopefully following, care to join me in wondering how throwing a tennis ball caused this much damage?
And as if that wasn't enough, they've also found a 4cm cyst in my left ovary. Not to mention the PCOS is my right. Life is good right? Everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. Now I'm just waiting for the stable to inform me that I'm unemployed again. I have no doubt that tonight will not be any different to other nights, and that means more cuts. I'm sure the cycle will end soon. In the meantime, life is great and I'm living the lie.
And I still have homework that needs doing. Not that its looking like that will ever happen.
Well, I'm off to the races tomorrow so that should be good. You know, photos and all.
Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG
PS. Another of my friends has demanded a shoutout. So here it is. Hi Jacinta, just thought you deserved the following paragraph because you are awesome. Yes, you are awesome. And I know you're going to read this and think of a million ways to tell me that you are not awesome and I infact am the awesome one, but just shut up and believe you are awesome because its true. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't met you, so our friendship better bloody last.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Look! Two Days in a Row!!!
Are you excited? I'm excited.
So, thankyou to some fool sending me two blank text messages my day started at 10.30am, which is two hours earlier than I'd have liked. I also made the mature decision to do my holiday homework and not play pokemon. However I may have ended up on facebook and not doing homework, but I do believe it is the effort that counts! So yes, sadly I have been sitting online since about 10.40am this morning, and I will more than likely still be here at 10pm tonight.
Now what I forgot to mention yesterday was I had an update on my tendon saga. No, nothing has actually healed yet - and more to the point my ankle has been quite bad of late - but I have injured yet another joint. This time its my right elbow. The whole joint just aches a whole lot, muscle pains, tendon pains and lets throw in an inflammed nerve because apparently there's one of those too. Now, this would probably be fine if my body hadn't build up a tolerance for painkillers. They have no effect whatsoever unless I take ten of them, and we all know thats not safe. And incase you're wondering, no I do not have a deathwish at this point in time. I can now say, that I officially hate the sight of sports tape. I hate it. And I'm sick of using it. Never injure yourself. Its crap.
I can also tell you that things are looking a darnsight worse at the moment. Because all I've had to eat today has been an apple and a slice of cake. Yes, that is all. So its looking like I'm about to drop all the weight I've managed to stack back on. Really life? More shit?
And I'm still harming. I forget how many days, but its been well over two weeks now. Haven't missed a day.
Such is life I suppose..
Bye for now and not forever,
- the original CG
PS. Special shoutout to my friend Lily, because she whined yesterday about the lack of a mention. Happy now?
So, thankyou to some fool sending me two blank text messages my day started at 10.30am, which is two hours earlier than I'd have liked. I also made the mature decision to do my holiday homework and not play pokemon. However I may have ended up on facebook and not doing homework, but I do believe it is the effort that counts! So yes, sadly I have been sitting online since about 10.40am this morning, and I will more than likely still be here at 10pm tonight.
Now what I forgot to mention yesterday was I had an update on my tendon saga. No, nothing has actually healed yet - and more to the point my ankle has been quite bad of late - but I have injured yet another joint. This time its my right elbow. The whole joint just aches a whole lot, muscle pains, tendon pains and lets throw in an inflammed nerve because apparently there's one of those too. Now, this would probably be fine if my body hadn't build up a tolerance for painkillers. They have no effect whatsoever unless I take ten of them, and we all know thats not safe. And incase you're wondering, no I do not have a deathwish at this point in time. I can now say, that I officially hate the sight of sports tape. I hate it. And I'm sick of using it. Never injure yourself. Its crap.
I can also tell you that things are looking a darnsight worse at the moment. Because all I've had to eat today has been an apple and a slice of cake. Yes, that is all. So its looking like I'm about to drop all the weight I've managed to stack back on. Really life? More shit?
And I'm still harming. I forget how many days, but its been well over two weeks now. Haven't missed a day.
Such is life I suppose..
Bye for now and not forever,
- the original CG
PS. Special shoutout to my friend Lily, because she whined yesterday about the lack of a mention. Happy now?
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Like, Wow
My God,
It feels like forever since I last updated this. Who am I kidding it has been forever. When did I last update? Like december, and now its what, april? So so much has happened since I last wrote. Where to start....
Well, I left the stables for starters. They weren't giving me the time of day, so I was like 'eh, time for a new job'. Which I did get by the way, and that was a pretty lame attempt. I did great at getting the job, but they didn't even like me from the very first moment I started. And, well, I didn't realise sweeping required a certificate to do.... "you need to sweep with a purpose" and "it's not about how slow you can go".... Seriously? Needless to say that job lasted a day. Yes, you read that correctly, a day. And my final act of revenge? I didn't tell them I quit, which I think was evened out with the fact that I never saw any money for that one day of torture.
And then there was the awkward moment where I lead out another stables horse at the races, right past them... Never been so embarassed or freaked out in my life. But its over now. Phew.
And I enjoyed a wonderful eight week holiday. Not that it was particularly awesome, because you know, being me and all entails some sort of mental breakdown at some stage... And it happened. At 3am. Thankfully. I've been harming too, but thats a seperate and touchy issue, so we'll leave that for another time.
You know, I'd almost liken self harm to a fist fight. Two sides hitting eachother. Only when you fight yourself, you can only hit yourself. Hows that for helping people understand?
And then there was going back to school. That was such a complex thing for me. My former friends just stopped talking to me, and even now they just like right through me like I don't exsist. Do you know what its like to be invisible. So I worried about that, going back to school. And then there was the slight issue of there no longer being any teachers who knew me at school. That was the scariest part for me. I hadn't felt that alone for quite some time. But my fears amounted to very little, as I said, said group ignores me and I've found some much nicer friends. And I've befriended (if you like) a new teacher.
But that thing with school is, I just can't make myself care. I know I'm good academically, but getting me to do stuff is another matter altogether. I tell teachers to get stuffed, and they leave me alone. Hardly ideal, but thats my life. And I couldn't quite settle in the entire length of term one. I still haven't. It's, I don't know what it is, but its making me hurt all that more inside. Feel like I'm just bleeding sometimes.
And then there was today.
The first stable offered me my job back. And it was one of those freak instances too. Like, hehe woooooo. I was supposed to go the Ballarat with some people from said stable because we're still mates, but they didn't end up going and no one told me that! So I go to the stables. Fail? I think so. However, I left with my old job and I got to see Jarred. Not bad at all. And you'll be glad to know Jarred is doing well. He's had two races now, not winning but he's city class and things can only go up for him!
Oh, and the all important Justice update!
He popped up with a new trainer, and has since strung together two wins. I was so excited to see that he'd finally broken his maiden. His last race was on Feb 19th, so I think he's gone to the paddock. Not a day goes by where I don't miss my baby, but I'm stoked his finally showing everyone he can race. You go Justi!
Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG
It feels like forever since I last updated this. Who am I kidding it has been forever. When did I last update? Like december, and now its what, april? So so much has happened since I last wrote. Where to start....
Well, I left the stables for starters. They weren't giving me the time of day, so I was like 'eh, time for a new job'. Which I did get by the way, and that was a pretty lame attempt. I did great at getting the job, but they didn't even like me from the very first moment I started. And, well, I didn't realise sweeping required a certificate to do.... "you need to sweep with a purpose" and "it's not about how slow you can go".... Seriously? Needless to say that job lasted a day. Yes, you read that correctly, a day. And my final act of revenge? I didn't tell them I quit, which I think was evened out with the fact that I never saw any money for that one day of torture.
And then there was the awkward moment where I lead out another stables horse at the races, right past them... Never been so embarassed or freaked out in my life. But its over now. Phew.
And I enjoyed a wonderful eight week holiday. Not that it was particularly awesome, because you know, being me and all entails some sort of mental breakdown at some stage... And it happened. At 3am. Thankfully. I've been harming too, but thats a seperate and touchy issue, so we'll leave that for another time.
You know, I'd almost liken self harm to a fist fight. Two sides hitting eachother. Only when you fight yourself, you can only hit yourself. Hows that for helping people understand?
And then there was going back to school. That was such a complex thing for me. My former friends just stopped talking to me, and even now they just like right through me like I don't exsist. Do you know what its like to be invisible. So I worried about that, going back to school. And then there was the slight issue of there no longer being any teachers who knew me at school. That was the scariest part for me. I hadn't felt that alone for quite some time. But my fears amounted to very little, as I said, said group ignores me and I've found some much nicer friends. And I've befriended (if you like) a new teacher.
But that thing with school is, I just can't make myself care. I know I'm good academically, but getting me to do stuff is another matter altogether. I tell teachers to get stuffed, and they leave me alone. Hardly ideal, but thats my life. And I couldn't quite settle in the entire length of term one. I still haven't. It's, I don't know what it is, but its making me hurt all that more inside. Feel like I'm just bleeding sometimes.
And then there was today.
The first stable offered me my job back. And it was one of those freak instances too. Like, hehe woooooo. I was supposed to go the Ballarat with some people from said stable because we're still mates, but they didn't end up going and no one told me that! So I go to the stables. Fail? I think so. However, I left with my old job and I got to see Jarred. Not bad at all. And you'll be glad to know Jarred is doing well. He's had two races now, not winning but he's city class and things can only go up for him!
Jarred at his all important first race start, acting the fool as always
Oh, and the all important Justice update!
He popped up with a new trainer, and has since strung together two wins. I was so excited to see that he'd finally broken his maiden. His last race was on Feb 19th, so I think he's gone to the paddock. Not a day goes by where I don't miss my baby, but I'm stoked his finally showing everyone he can race. You go Justi!
Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG
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