What are friends?

I'm sad, right at this moment, because I feel like I just got a slap across the face.

"I don't have time for this right now. I'd much rather talk to you when your happier"

This is what my 'friend' just said to me. I was, of course, under the impression I could talk to this person. But wow, wasn't I wrong. They insinuated that this was all in my head, a wholly mental issue and I only have to force myself to happy. It doesn't work like that. It just doesn't. Don't you think that if I could snap my fingers and magically be happy again I would? I would you know. I'd snap my fingers in an instant. But life doesn't work that way. And why would it?

That would be all too helpful.

Depression isn't something you choose. It's debilitating and harsh. I do things I'm not proud of, say things I'm not proud of and sometimes I just don't do anything at all. But it's all just hilarious isn't it?

And this is exactly the reason I struggle to reach out to people, because most people, do not understand. And thus they give harsh judgments and treat me like a bad joke. I'm not a bad joke, but right now I'm feeling horribly alone and terribly misunderstood.

I've had a bad day for no apparent reason and I'm in that spot where I'll either explode in a fit of anger or burst spontaneously into tears. This has not helped, chemistry has not helped, my family is not helping. I still get the lecture for my nine-year-old sister's anxiety, I still get to clean up the messes other people make in my room, I still come home to an unstable place filled with yelling and unhappy feelings and I still would rather be at school than at home.

The whole situation was really summed up for me when the Kids Help Line counsellor conceded that I should just move out. I wish.

And I do. Other than that I just wish I didn't have to do this anymore. And I'm not going to lie, this will end with cuts.

I'm lost.

- CG