Today.

Today is many things. And an all round awful day.

But lets talk about Justice.

Justice, the horse who changed me. Who quite possibly saved me. You know it was a year ago today that I last laid a hand on him? It was a year ago today that I took him to the races and strapped him that first and only time. A year ago that I said goodbye. It feels like a lifetime ago, you know. But I'll never forget what one neurotic, inadequate racehorse did for me. The way he hung his head over the stall door waiting. He was always in a hurry that horse, never interested in a leisurely walk. Being with him was easily the highlight of my week. The human animal bond is something strange but wondrous. How we connect, how we recognise, how we know.

It broke my heart to walk away that cold afternoon. I spoilt him one last time, let him pick at the grass. Rugged him, hugged him and then it was all over.

I wonder about him sometimes, often. Whether he's found a new friend. Whether he's injured. Whether the world has simply given up.

It's my dream to see him again. Deep down I'm clinging to that silly little hope.

In a time before his career was doomed

Now lets talk about the rest of today. Want to hear about my day? Too bad you don't get a choice.

So this morning, before I'd even walked out the door to go to school, there were three family fights. I open my locker upon arriving to school and realise I've left all my maths books and my calculator on my floor at home. Then, being in an environment where socialising is key, I socialise like the sheep I so often pretend to be. Then Food Tech sucked. I hate Food Tech. Go die Food Tech, go die. The teacher is a mole and the students are dumb. Then its home time, and I've so been looking forward to this so I can go home and just be away from it all for a couple of hours until people come home. I trudge down the corridor tired, exhausted, resentful, hate filled. English teachers sees me, and he knows me. So he wants to know what's wrong. 

I've reached that point where there are just no words. So just let me be? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What a hysterically laughable suggestion that is. He was dead set determined to drag it out of me. You can guess what happened yeah? He made me cry. I kept telling myself "you are not going to cry" but it happened anyway. And I am not a crier. So it was intensely frustrating. Crying is something I do late at night when I'm alone, not in front of people. But hey, apparently I'm no longer writing this story. 

So now that I've been rail roaded into seeing the school counsellor... I was just too tired and too upset to argue my way out of this one. So please please please, can there be no space tomorrow. PLEASE!? If there is a God.... No, I'm not going there. That's low.

I so just wanted to go to sleep when I got home. But instead I had half a religion essay (who writes essays in RE!? WHO!?) to write and maths and some other stuff I obviously haven't done. Oh that's right, Food Tech. Screw that test. Bleh. 

You'll be glad to know that my maths is one third completed, and that I have drafted the introduction and two thirds of my first paragraph for my essay. Yay for me.

So yeah, bleh.

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

Only a Fool Spends this much Time on the Great Gatsby!

And unfortunately I'm one of those fools. And what's so great about Gatsby? He's a bootlegger. Ooooooh, rebel. If this is one of America's greatest pieces of literature, I'm scared to read the other, um, 'greats'. Thank you English Literature task, thank you. Though, I have realised that my note taking is exceptionally odd. I create little mind maps all over the page and just branch and branch and branch until it appears to look like an intricate lot of spider webs.

Me? Weird? Never.

In the spirit of being me, here's a random subject change!

The Joker.

I never quite realised the full extent of this super villain's awesomeness! He is truly something extraordinary, there's simply no denying it. And whom do I have to thank for this chance to read into the Joker's exploits. My English class. I'm making a bold attempt at humanising him so we all feel sorry for him. Why don't we feel sorry for someone with a permanent smile and green hair who is relentlessly chased by some wannabe vigilante? Too far? Oh well. It's a fun assessment task and I never say that about school work!

-insert random subject change-

Not that its completely random... but I have this friend Alice who has the obsession with keytars. She tells me she's going to buy one and that no one could resist a band featuring a keytar and a ukulele.

While we're talking about Alice, I have a message for her...

ALICE!

I am insanely jealous of your wardrobe! I don't have anywhere like that to hide in my house. I just leave.

Speaking of leaving. I'm thinking about it. It's not normal the amount of fighting that happens in this house. It just goes on and on and on and on... Endlessly. I don't care what you say, I'm not a 'stupid fucking child' nor a 'lazy so and so' nor a 'fucking bitch' or anything else. The only person who says those things about me, is me. The only person that gets to hate me, IS ME. So there.

Yep.

My current regret? Choice of blade. That's it.

Bye for now but not forever,
- CG

Promise I'm Back For Good

Cheers to you if you end up reading this. I've become really, really inconsistent. But I promise I'm here to stay now. Notice I made the blog all pretty and new?

Just because I feel like informing you all... I have yet another new job. Yes, in the stables again. I think I'll be at this one for a long while. Been there since May and loving it.

It's kind of nice being back here. Having my space. My hard copy journal is cool but this is cool too. Bit more freedom with the decoration and such... Okay, okay! Enough.

And now, because you all love me so much you get to listen to me whinge! I'm kidding, you don't have to read it, consider this your warning.

Okay?

I think that hate is one of the most overused words in the English language, but I feel it applies here. I hate my family. I hate that its all double standards. I hate the fighting. I hate the name calling. I hate the use of weapons. I hate the obsessions. I have the fear. I hate feeling like I live in a war zone.

I think I just plain hate being around them altogether. And I'm not the sort of person who has lots and lots of friends and can go out all day and all night. Not just that, but I'm shy too and I just get tired out all to easily. So I stick around and just allow things to get worse. But what else can I do? If I can't leave, can't hide, can no longer just sit there and take it... all there is to do is fight back. Which is not ideal. Because once one person gets yelling, we all get yelling. It's not an ideal environment.

Everyone's just stressed all the time.

It sucks. I don't know what to do. No one has any answers. You know, its all just "deal.with.it"

Right.

Bye for now, but not forever (promise!)
- CG

Another Day in the Realm of Lost Feelings and Confusion

So yeah. Title pretty much says it all I think. The feelings are suffocating, strong and demanding. They demand your full attention. And its not something I want to spend three hundred words on, because I really need to stop thinking about all that, because it is truly self defeating. So, moving on.

I spend last night raiding my dad's itunes collection. I think his music is fantastic. And it was an awesome distracton, so some 245 songs later I'm feeling pretty good about my playlist. INXS is very, very cool. They were great. Not so keen on the 'new' INXS, but the old one was good. R.E.M, Radiohead. I feel like I missed out. I'm stuck with all this dance/tekno stuff, and its not so cool.. in my opinion of course.

And my previously mentioned friend Jacinta and I, have pretty much planned our lives out of school (another epic distraction). So essentially, we're going to go to the races a lot and hang out heaps. We're going to be living the life apparently.

That's all for now!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG

PS. Yet another of my friends would like a shoutout so Laura, hey! I hope your trip is going well. Wow, it feels like I've known you forever now - year seven was such a long time ago. By the way... check out her blog

So... I'm not sure how this happened

Okay, so you're all probably going 'what the...' but I can assure you I have an excellent explanation for posting this image. This is so you can all understand what is so confusing about my elbow injury!

I was sitting up last night, you know - not sleeping, and decided to learn something. So, my ulnar nerve is inflammed, and as you can imagine that would really piss off my ulnar collateral ligament, which totally explains the pain in that part of my elbow. And because my tendons are usually just dodgy, and it doesn't take a whole lot to upset them, my biceps tendon is obviously upset too, which explains further pain. Attached to my ulna is my flexor muscle, and its upset because the nerve runs through it. Attached to my radius is my extensor muscle which is upset because not only is a pissed off ulnar collateral ligament attached to it, so is a sore biceps tendon. So, now that you're sort of hopefully following, care to join me in wondering how throwing a tennis ball caused this much damage?

And as if that wasn't enough, they've also found a 4cm cyst in my left ovary. Not to mention the PCOS is my right. Life is good right? Everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. Now I'm just waiting for the stable to inform me that I'm unemployed again. I have no doubt that tonight will not be any different to other nights, and that means more cuts. I'm sure the cycle will end soon. In the meantime, life is great and I'm living the lie.

And I still have homework that needs doing. Not that its looking like that will ever happen.

Well, I'm off to the races tomorrow so that should be good. You know, photos and all.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG

PS. Another of my friends has demanded a shoutout. So here it is. Hi Jacinta, just thought you deserved the following paragraph because you are awesome. Yes, you are awesome. And I know you're going to read this and think of a million ways to tell me that you are not awesome and I infact am the awesome one, but just shut up and believe you are awesome because its true. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't met you, so our friendship better bloody last.

Look! Two Days in a Row!!!

Are you excited? I'm excited.

So, thankyou to some fool sending me two blank text messages my day started at 10.30am, which is two hours earlier than I'd have liked. I also made the mature decision to do my holiday homework and not play pokemon. However I may have ended up on facebook and not doing homework, but I do believe it is the effort that counts! So yes, sadly I have been sitting online since about 10.40am this morning, and I will more than likely still be here at 10pm tonight.

Now what I forgot to mention yesterday was I had an update on my tendon saga. No, nothing has actually healed yet - and more to the point my ankle has been quite bad of late - but I have injured yet another joint. This time its my right elbow. The whole joint just aches a whole lot, muscle pains, tendon pains and lets throw in an inflammed nerve because apparently there's one of those too. Now, this would probably be fine if my body hadn't build up a tolerance for painkillers. They have no effect whatsoever unless I take ten of them, and we all know thats not safe. And incase you're wondering, no I do not have a deathwish at this point in time. I can now say, that I officially hate the sight of sports tape. I hate it. And I'm sick of using it. Never injure yourself. Its crap.

I can also tell you that things are looking a darnsight worse at the moment. Because all I've had to eat today has been an apple and a slice of cake. Yes, that is all. So its looking like I'm about to drop all the weight I've managed to stack back on. Really life? More shit?

And I'm still harming. I forget how many days, but its been well over two weeks now. Haven't missed a day.

Such is life I suppose..

Bye for now and not forever,
- the original CG

PS. Special shoutout to my friend Lily, because she whined yesterday about the lack of a mention. Happy now?

Like, Wow

My God,

It feels like forever since I last updated this. Who am I kidding it has been forever. When did I last update? Like december, and now its what, april? So so much has happened since I last wrote. Where to start....

Well, I left the stables for starters. They weren't giving me the time of day, so I was like 'eh, time for a new job'. Which I did get by the way, and that was a pretty lame attempt. I did great at getting the job, but they didn't even like me from the very first moment I started. And, well, I didn't realise sweeping required a certificate to do.... "you need to sweep with a purpose" and "it's not about how slow you can go".... Seriously? Needless to say that job lasted a day. Yes, you read that correctly, a day. And my final act of revenge? I didn't tell them I quit, which I think was evened out with the fact that I never saw any money for that one day of torture.
And then there was the awkward moment where I lead out another stables horse at the races, right past them... Never been so embarassed or freaked out in my life. But its over now. Phew.

And I enjoyed a wonderful eight week holiday. Not that it was particularly awesome, because you know, being me and all entails some sort of mental breakdown at some stage... And it happened. At 3am. Thankfully. I've been harming too, but thats a seperate and touchy issue, so we'll leave that for another time.

You know, I'd almost liken self harm to a fist fight. Two sides hitting eachother. Only when you fight yourself, you can only hit yourself. Hows that for helping people understand?

And then there was going back to school. That was such a complex thing for me. My former friends just stopped talking to me, and even now they just like right through me like I don't exsist. Do you know what its like to be invisible. So I worried about that, going back to school. And then there was the slight issue of there no longer being any teachers who knew me at school. That was the scariest part for me. I hadn't felt that alone for quite some time. But my fears amounted to very little, as I said, said group ignores me and I've found some much nicer friends. And I've befriended (if you like) a new teacher.

But that thing with school is, I just can't make myself care. I know I'm good academically, but getting me to do stuff is another matter altogether. I tell teachers to get stuffed, and they leave me alone. Hardly ideal, but thats my life. And I couldn't quite settle in the entire length of term one. I still haven't. It's, I don't know what it is, but its making me hurt all that more inside. Feel like I'm just bleeding sometimes.

And then there was today.

The first stable offered me my job back. And it was one of those freak instances too. Like, hehe woooooo. I was supposed to go the Ballarat with some people from said stable because we're still mates, but they didn't end up going and no one told me that! So I go to the stables. Fail? I think so. However, I left with my old job and I got to see Jarred. Not bad at all. And you'll be glad to know Jarred is doing well. He's had two races now, not winning but he's city class and things can only go up for him!

Jarred at his all important first race start, acting the fool as always

Oh, and the all important Justice update!
He popped up with a new trainer, and has since strung together two wins. I was so excited to see that he'd finally broken his maiden. His last race was on Feb 19th, so I think he's gone to the paddock. Not a day goes by where I don't miss my baby, but I'm stoked his finally showing everyone he can race. You go Justi!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG