Clangstars Ace

So, I've got a new favourite horse. He joined the stable at about 6.30am on saturday morning. He was a narky bugger too. But it was all an act and he's actually a really nice horse. He was also the only horse I got to touch on saturday, as is the way things are now with me being unemployed. His name is Clangstars Ace (leave it). There aren't any photos of him yet, but when I get some I'll post.

And I still don't know where Hope is. I assume she's still in a paddock north of the border, or in pre training. But she'll be back.

Onto other things..
I've got two new cuts on my hip. Yes, I know. I'm terrible. But so is life, you know? I'm still underweight, and I'm being made to babysit my pyschotic brother again. But not until next thursday now. A small reprieve. I guess it's okay until I get stabbed again. Perhaps the question here is, why did I get stabbed in the first place? I'm ready to die in a hole now..

When the sun sets over the world, we shall not scorch, we shall not cry. We shall instead relish the quiet calm of the evening and anticipate the sun's return in the morning.

It's a sunrise, but you get my drift.. Winter Mornings

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Hope (should I start adding Ace?)

Down by the Creek

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"

- Mary Anne Radmacher

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

A Moment in Time

Sunday's are my favourite mornings, rain hail or shine

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Hope

Life Bites

It really, really does.

So I've been screwed over by my very best friends, and it has been killing me. I haven't been able to stop asking myself why. Why did this happen? Why was she so cruel? Why did they just sit there and let it happen? Why can't I understand this? Why don't I understand this? And I don't come even close to answering any of the above questions. It's terrible, it's a travesty, it's just sensationally crap. I really don't think I can deal with tomorrow and it's just sad that my very best friends (well former very best friends) could say these things, and the other two sit and let her. I don't know, but what I do know is that I have got to stop beating myself up over it. Nothing to be done now.

And the boy I like, he's in love with someone else. Talk about things being sensationally crap. A mutual friends reckons he's being played but I honestly don't know. I'm a bit shattered about that too. Just something else to mull over now. At the very least we can still be mates, which I'm glad about. I value that he cares so yeah. Funny how he knows the ugly truth, and how he found out was bad. But he still talks to me, and is really nice. But yeah.

I'm so confused.

I'm hurting.

I'm worried, will I ever stop bleeding?

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

There's Always Someone Cooler Than You

So, now that I've dropped 6-7kg in the past 6 weeks and haven't been able to put it back on, I don't know what I'm going to do. What can I do? I finally start eating again, and then I plummet like I always knew would happen in the end. So I'm going to stop eating again very quickly, and my weight at present is a relatively healthy 65kg, but it just does not sit well on my frame. My hip bones and collar bone have never portruded so much. There is most definitely reason for concern, but there is simply nothing I can do. What in God's name is a counsellor going to achieve, I ask you. Probably nothing, because I'm an obtuse little brat. But I wasn't born like that, so what caused that? Well that is another can of worms for another day.

I suppose I should start introducing myself as that "stupid-emo-cripple-with-dandruff-in-her-hair-who-is-also-no-longer-allowed-to-put-her-head-down-on-tables-and-is-also-a-bitch-who-throws-coke-bottles-in-the-bin". Phew, that was long. But yes, that is apparently my new nickname, if you listen to a certain girl, which more former friendship group apparently does. I don't understand how the could just sit there and let her degrade me like that. And they knew how much the words stung me, and they still sat there. And my best friend, she wouldn't sit next to me in class. She walked straight past me. Are they ignoring what she said to me and just focusing on the part where I dropped her coke bottle in the bin? Because she bloody deserved that and I make no apologies.

I'm so shattered, about this, and that I had to self harm, and that it still doesn't feel any better.

Qu'est-ce que c'est le point?

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope