There's Always Someone Cooler Than You

So, now that I've dropped 6-7kg in the past 6 weeks and haven't been able to put it back on, I don't know what I'm going to do. What can I do? I finally start eating again, and then I plummet like I always knew would happen in the end. So I'm going to stop eating again very quickly, and my weight at present is a relatively healthy 65kg, but it just does not sit well on my frame. My hip bones and collar bone have never portruded so much. There is most definitely reason for concern, but there is simply nothing I can do. What in God's name is a counsellor going to achieve, I ask you. Probably nothing, because I'm an obtuse little brat. But I wasn't born like that, so what caused that? Well that is another can of worms for another day.

I suppose I should start introducing myself as that "stupid-emo-cripple-with-dandruff-in-her-hair-who-is-also-no-longer-allowed-to-put-her-head-down-on-tables-and-is-also-a-bitch-who-throws-coke-bottles-in-the-bin". Phew, that was long. But yes, that is apparently my new nickname, if you listen to a certain girl, which more former friendship group apparently does. I don't understand how the could just sit there and let her degrade me like that. And they knew how much the words stung me, and they still sat there. And my best friend, she wouldn't sit next to me in class. She walked straight past me. Are they ignoring what she said to me and just focusing on the part where I dropped her coke bottle in the bin? Because she bloody deserved that and I make no apologies.

I'm so shattered, about this, and that I had to self harm, and that it still doesn't feel any better.

Qu'est-ce que c'est le point?

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

I choose to like the above statement (yep George B. Shaw again). It just rings true for so many situations. What makes you important if you sit and let the world pass you by, and then you complain because it has passed you by?
I have a friend like that, she actually *really* annoys me. No, thats wrong. She beyond annoys me. That's probably mean, but hey! She's meaner than me, and believe me when I say that says something.

But that's really neither here nor there, and I shouldn't get enjoyment out of pissing her off. But I do. So it obviously makes me horrible.. Or does it not?

But really, enough of that.
I visited the champ on sunday. Good ol' Apache Cat, he wasn't being very sociable, but he's a bit aloof like that. Got some nice photos anyway. Might draw from one later. We met our horse Chocky, she's really cuddly. It's cute.
And I worked that morning too, so I saw my hip hop Hope. She's such a darl. Knows me now, always comes to the front of her stall. She strained a muscle in her rump, so I don't know when she'll do track work again. But hopefully soon so that we can get to the races and see what she can do!

So then, I suddenly was floored by this incredible low. And lo and behold, there's a new mark on my arm. Am I proud of this? No, but then I never have been. I just find that the scars mean about as much to me as my pencil case, and my pencil case doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I just sort of wish I wouldnt do it, like it would stop crossing my mind. It's self defeating something like this. You just can't control it. I think I'm going to start wearing my rubber bands again, and see if that makes any sort of difference. Will I do it again? Probably, I mean.. well I don't know what I mean. I reckon I will do it. And I don't know when it will stop. Just like I don't know when things will be better and all that stuff.

I think I'll leave you with a photo of me and Apache:

There was no food in my hands, I swear

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Hope

End Week

Another friday has passed, and another saturday ends.

Spent the day at the races, and some fair time with my Hope horse. Good photos once again, could only have been better if it was sunny. Haven't really spoke to Apache's crew much lately, but I'm now looking forward to visiting the Apache not this sunday (as in tomorrow) but the next. Exciting times.

But my Hope horse, she's funny.

As I walked her this morning (she didn't do trackwork, not sure why) I really noticed how much smaller than Justice she is. It's funny now, going from big, crazy/pyscho Justice, to small and relatively quiet Hope. It's nice in a way I guess.

They both share that same love of grass and hugs now. Yes, Hope and I have established hugs.

I stopped by on my way home from the races, and spent some 10mins cuddling, patting and playing with her. She thinks it's fun to eat my fingers, and for that matter my camera. I disagree, but that is probably expected. And I spose now that I have really bonded with my new horse. She is mine, now lets see someone take her from me. Hilarious and it won't happen.

Hope playing with me this afternoon...

Unfortunately, I've gone backwards on the whole self harm thing. Not proud of it, but apparently such is life. Point is, no one says anything, so it's all good for the time being.

I stayed back after school on friday to talk with my homeroom teacher. I can never get out what I need to get out. We focused on my pain, and I cried. It's harsh I guess. But what do you do?

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Hope

Further Wonderings

So, you know. I wonder, a lot. And write a lot of crap, distracting crap, but nonetheless crap. And I've been thinking way too much about things lately.

Like the friends thing, I'm pretty sure its me who is differnt. I don't know why or how. But I'm less inclined to sit with them now. Couldn't tell you why. They want to know why. I used a silly excuse. I needed an excuse to go, there it is.
I like the new group. I say a lot more, feel more comfortable.

I hate it when things change like this.

And school, where to start.
Being in an academic class is difficult, because I feel incredibly stupid in some classes. And when I don't understand, I don't even know what I don't understand. It's freaking ridiculous.

And to add insult to injury I haven't self harmed in months, but you know. There's a cut!?

Still nothing RE: Justice. But then no news is good news in racing!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice