Clangstars Ace

So, I've got a new favourite horse. He joined the stable at about 6.30am on saturday morning. He was a narky bugger too. But it was all an act and he's actually a really nice horse. He was also the only horse I got to touch on saturday, as is the way things are now with me being unemployed. His name is Clangstars Ace (leave it). There aren't any photos of him yet, but when I get some I'll post.

And I still don't know where Hope is. I assume she's still in a paddock north of the border, or in pre training. But she'll be back.

Onto other things..
I've got two new cuts on my hip. Yes, I know. I'm terrible. But so is life, you know? I'm still underweight, and I'm being made to babysit my pyschotic brother again. But not until next thursday now. A small reprieve. I guess it's okay until I get stabbed again. Perhaps the question here is, why did I get stabbed in the first place? I'm ready to die in a hole now..

When the sun sets over the world, we shall not scorch, we shall not cry. We shall instead relish the quiet calm of the evening and anticipate the sun's return in the morning.

It's a sunrise, but you get my drift.. Winter Mornings

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Hope (should I start adding Ace?)

Life Goes On

It's been quite some time since I last posted, and a few significant things have happened.

Firstly, my favourite teacher is leaving at the end of the year. Originally I was just upset, then annoyed/frustrated/angry and now just sad. He's been such a phenomenally important part of my life since year seven and I hate to think about where I'd be today if he hadn't taken my problems so personally. The day I wanted to die, he changed my life forever. He said to me that if he honestly believed I would give up, we wouldn't be having this conversastion, nor have had any of it's predecessors. His honest and absolute faith kept me here, kept me strong, kept me fighting. And now he's going. I just... I just don't know. Aside from having been there for me in some of my darkest hours, he's been a mentor and above all else a fantastic teacher. I didn't have him for any subjects this year, but he opted to allow me to question and learn nonetheless. He drove a faint interest into a burning passion. For all of this, I thank him. And will do so to his face before the year ends.

And then I find out the other religion teacher is going too. He's been my homeroom teacher this year, and knows me pretty well. And that's no mean feat. He took me seriously at all times, and never mentioned anything I said to anyone else. He also played his part in fostering me serious interest in religion, answering my multitude of questions unwaveringly. When I asked him why he became a teacher he told me exactly why. He also said he wouldn't do it forever, but I never imagined he'd leave so soon. He's off to see the world, and I have to say, his travel plan sounds awesome. I don't know if it's a forever thing or not though. I think it was implied that it was, but wow.

So our school's two best religion teachers are gone, just like that.

And to prove that bad things really do happen in threes, I was effectively sacked from my job in the stable. I mean, we don't really look at it like a sacking, but that is what it was. I'm welcome to go in and help and look after the horses, I just can't be employed anymore (due to an incident totally unrelated to myself). So I'm back where I started there. But is it their way of discouraging me from being around? They seem to want me there, and I understand why I can no longer be employed but, I don't know. I'm just a little confused.

All of the above happened in one week. One horrible, long week. And I pushed it all out of mind and refused to think about it. But it's time I explored it a little more because ignoring it is not the right course of action. There are also those pre exsiting minor issues. I stopped eating and sleeping well. It's been going on for a month and a half, two months maybe. I've dropped 6kgs. And I hate to say it but it isn't sitting particularly well on my frame. My hip bones are beginning to stick out, and the flesh is thinner around my ribs. Naturally I noted this after my elbow connected with my hip bone. My God, that was a painful experience. It is also, perhaps, needless to say that there has been some self harm. Nothing on a huge scale though, only two-three cuts in the past few weeks, which on the whole isn't too bad.

So, what have I got? Two of the most important people in my life walking straight out of it, no job and I have neither Hope nor Justice. I miss Justice more now then I did before. The way he knew me, the way he cuddled, they way he played, the way he caused mischief, then justified it in his own way. The way he eventually got everybody to love him because he was endearing. He hung his head over the stall door and waited for the pat he knew was coming. I didn't really get to know Hope before she was tipped out, nor do I know when she will return. But we semi-bonded and that's what counts I suppose.

I am but a hollow, my mind is far away. Thinking of things from another time and place. Things that no longer be. And it will be these things, these memories, that I hold onto when I've nothing left but soltitude and darkness

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

So, now that school holidays have finally rolled around, you'd think I'd be pretty relaxed. Wrong. I've lost another kilo and I'm not even sure how. Probably a lack of eating and a lot more excersize. Atleast that's what I'm hoping. I was also finally found out over self harming. I lie a lot about these sorts of things. But that I cannot help. I'm used to keeping truths such as these close to my heart. Plus the fallout of the truth might be too much for me in my current state. But I'm certainly feeling little need to harm, which is grand.

But, I can't help but wonder at things. Things that drive me mental, and things I should spend less time pondering. Where is this pondering getting me? Nowhere. But it sure as hell is giving me many sleepless nights. This is where I say yay to holidays, because I've been able to stay up as late as neccessary and then sleep in the following morning. No sleep lost really.

Hope has been turned out. Muscle problems. But some think it's her stifle. Which is not a good thing. And she'll probably never get to the races if it is indeed her stifle. Which would definitely suck, and I'd be looking for a new horse yet again. Fun times eh.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

I choose to like the above statement (yep George B. Shaw again). It just rings true for so many situations. What makes you important if you sit and let the world pass you by, and then you complain because it has passed you by?
I have a friend like that, she actually *really* annoys me. No, thats wrong. She beyond annoys me. That's probably mean, but hey! She's meaner than me, and believe me when I say that says something.

But that's really neither here nor there, and I shouldn't get enjoyment out of pissing her off. But I do. So it obviously makes me horrible.. Or does it not?

But really, enough of that.
I visited the champ on sunday. Good ol' Apache Cat, he wasn't being very sociable, but he's a bit aloof like that. Got some nice photos anyway. Might draw from one later. We met our horse Chocky, she's really cuddly. It's cute.
And I worked that morning too, so I saw my hip hop Hope. She's such a darl. Knows me now, always comes to the front of her stall. She strained a muscle in her rump, so I don't know when she'll do track work again. But hopefully soon so that we can get to the races and see what she can do!

So then, I suddenly was floored by this incredible low. And lo and behold, there's a new mark on my arm. Am I proud of this? No, but then I never have been. I just find that the scars mean about as much to me as my pencil case, and my pencil case doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I just sort of wish I wouldnt do it, like it would stop crossing my mind. It's self defeating something like this. You just can't control it. I think I'm going to start wearing my rubber bands again, and see if that makes any sort of difference. Will I do it again? Probably, I mean.. well I don't know what I mean. I reckon I will do it. And I don't know when it will stop. Just like I don't know when things will be better and all that stuff.

I think I'll leave you with a photo of me and Apache:

There was no food in my hands, I swear

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Hope

Marlo is Stoned No More

I saw something amazing at about 2.30am this morning. Marlo (yes the goldfish) went for a swim. I know, amazing right? Considering he spent that last few days being a stoner, (did i mention that?), I was shocked to death that he'd bothered moving let alone actually eat his food.



Several hours later, which as it happens was a reasonable hour, the day actually begun. And throughout this day I learnt that I'm apparently a horrible excuse for a human being, who lacks respect for everyone and is just plain rude. Not that I can really argue with the aforementioned statements, I think the way she went about saying them was wrong. Screaming these things at me is not going to get me to listen. I don't believe it takes a genius to work that out. I hid in my room for much of what was remaining of the day and stuck some photos of Hope up on my wall.


Good times. Not that it's really good. I spose it's just normal for me. The everyday screaming match. What is my life without them?

Racing shot from saturday... Starspangledbanner (yellow silks) wins the HDF McNeill Stakes:

And while on photography, I've really come to love this blog. The Simply Sailing post made me smile.. eyeless waffle monster!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

End Week

Another friday has passed, and another saturday ends.

Spent the day at the races, and some fair time with my Hope horse. Good photos once again, could only have been better if it was sunny. Haven't really spoke to Apache's crew much lately, but I'm now looking forward to visiting the Apache not this sunday (as in tomorrow) but the next. Exciting times.

But my Hope horse, she's funny.

As I walked her this morning (she didn't do trackwork, not sure why) I really noticed how much smaller than Justice she is. It's funny now, going from big, crazy/pyscho Justice, to small and relatively quiet Hope. It's nice in a way I guess.

They both share that same love of grass and hugs now. Yes, Hope and I have established hugs.

I stopped by on my way home from the races, and spent some 10mins cuddling, patting and playing with her. She thinks it's fun to eat my fingers, and for that matter my camera. I disagree, but that is probably expected. And I spose now that I have really bonded with my new horse. She is mine, now lets see someone take her from me. Hilarious and it won't happen.

Hope playing with me this afternoon...

Unfortunately, I've gone backwards on the whole self harm thing. Not proud of it, but apparently such is life. Point is, no one says anything, so it's all good for the time being.

I stayed back after school on friday to talk with my homeroom teacher. I can never get out what I need to get out. We focused on my pain, and I cried. It's harsh I guess. But what do you do?

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Hope

Someone Out There...

Another day goes by.

I'm not required at work this weekend, so I'm off to the races, and I get to briefly see Hope! Win-Win situation there.

At school though, it's a different story.
When I stand up, the blood drains from my head dramatically.
I cried.
I was told I have to rewrite an entire essay because I bombed out in paragraphing and the teacher couldn't understand it. She's the one who told me to change the paragraphs in the first place!?
Yes, I'm angry.
Sad.
Tired.
Exhausted.
Low.
Down.
Unhappy.

I dunno what other words I can use. But gawd. Someone out there really has it in for me.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

The Universe is Sending Me Subliminal Messages

So it's been awhile.


In that while I finally got to strap Justice, and he promptly ran like crap. I think it's because he disapproved of the rain affected track. But we'll never know now. That very same day I said goodbye. It seems a bit silly now that I cried. But I liken it to losing a best friend. He was my mate, my horse and that was special. He knew me, and I knew him. We bonded and trusted eachother.
It was the hardest thing walking away that afternoon knowing the when I returned to the stable a week later he wouldn't be there hanging his head over the stall door waiting.

But it's all gone now.

Strapping my boy

But, for all the bad there is good news. Two weeks on I have my new horse. A filly this time, unraced. And thus the journey begins again. Her name is Hope Downs, but for the purpose of this blog she will be Hope. This is where I complain about the subliminal messages. First I get Justice and now I have Hope. What are they trying to tell me? We'll work on that as we go I guess.

She's a bit funny Hope. She was mine the moment I walked her to the wash bay. They decided that she was a nice horse for me and I was taken. Initially she was totally against my patting her face, painting her hooves and doing anything in general. She even ignored me when I tried to talk to her when I finished for the morning. But she posed for a photo, which was nice.

I then took my new camera to the races (great success >> photos) and when I returned to the stables late that afternoon to pick up some magazines she was more than happy to be my friend. There were even no objections to me patting her face. Dad however, was a different story. She wasn't too keen on him at first.

But that's my Hope. Yep, my Hope. It's exciting now. Starting again.

My new beautiful girl

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG (and no longer Justice) and Hope