That awkward moment where the teacher has to ban the use of the phrase "animal porn"

Today's weight: 70kg

Not happy about this. Not happy about this. Not happy about this at all. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK etc etc etc.

And I really, really want to cut. It's like the thought is just sitting there, in my mind, and I'm thinking "do I, don't I, do I, don't I" and I don't know. I really want to do it. And then I don't want it. And then I really, really want it.

So I drew George. George is my butterfly and he sits on my forearm, where I cut. If I cut, I kill George, and I don't want it to come to that, but I don't know!

I guess it shows the George is doing his job if I'm experiencing this indecision.

I really like George!

Actually, the whole point of posting tonight was to write a list of all the things that are wrong with me, so here goes...

1. My left achilles tendon has tendonitis
2. My left ACL is strained
3. My left patella tendon has tendonitis
4. My right patella tendon has tendonitis
5. My right wrist possibly has tendonitis and most probably RSI
6. My right elbow has tennis elbow and a hypersensitive nerve
7. I have acne that varies in its horrendousness
8. One of my poisons [meds, but poisons is such a better name for them] causes me to be short of breath, which means when going up or down flights of stairs or removing elastoplast from a horse's hoof, which essentially makes me puff
9. I had PCOS, now I don't and now just have weirdo hormones
10. I have a soft heart murmur
11. I have a slow right ventricle - it's action is delayed
12. I have major depression
13. I have an anxiety disorder
14. I have low to non-existent self esteem
15. I obsess over my weight
16. I self harm

And there you have it. I'm feeling a bit confused about everything. Who am I? Where am I going? What am I going to do with myself? What if I screw everything up really badly? Why am I scared? Should I be scared. It goes on, and on and on, and I'm sad and tired and over it and I just want things to be nice and happy and simple, so I don't have to worry and stress and freak out and cry and obsess.

I really think George is going to die.

But I don't want him to.

I don't even know what to do anymore. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to deal with it anymore. I hate the cards I've been dealt with, I want a redraw. I'm asking so many questions and receiving so little answers. I know that most, if not all, of these questions are difficult, if not impossible to answer, but if they're so hard to answer then how do you cope? How do you go on? How do you right the wrongs when you don't know what they are and no one else knows either?

What kind of reality am I living in?

I look at that list, and I just think, why am I doing this to myself?


Why?

- CG