Lost in the Realm of 'I Don't Care Enough Anymore'

Care about what?

Everything.

It's like, why? I see no gain so no, no I do not want to do it, try it, even look at it. I'm not being lazy this time - I just don't care. 

I was sitting in school today, doing nothing apparently. Well nothing constructive anyway because I am a very distracted person today. My maths teacher went into lecture mode because we all disrespect her because we don't bring our homework or even bother doing it, lose our handouts, forget our calculators, books, utensils... and that's if we show up at all. Which is fair enough and very true of some people in the class, but for those of us who show up with all our things, homework done and do try to care, its quite painful to be made to feel like you've done something wrong.

I hate that. I do. So I give up caring in that department. 

And then there was Food Tech. Oh yes, wonderful, fun Food Tech. [I'm hoping the sarcasm intended gets across okay, if not IT IS SARCASM]. Today we cooked cheese soufflé's. And despite burning the frozen pizza and incurring a burn while doing so, I successfully cooked a soufflé. Did I feel cool? Hah, no. I felt ridiculous because I was one of two people left in the class trying to clean up while their partner kind of stood there uselessly while the teacher made snide the remark "Hurry up. I'd like lunch too". Like I want to be in that damned class. Just let me out and have my lunch. Never understood why I had to clean up the mess the class before me always leaves. 

Not that I can comment or anything.

So I had no lunch time. Science was last and its needless to say nothing good was achieved there. Just a whole lot of "Lilian"'s being scrawled all over Lili's page. VCE Music will never be boring again... Hahaha.

And on top of actually going to school I'm still sick. And by the way, I did work out why I'm so tired - it's because I'm sick. And all of last week I didn't get a night's sleep where I actually slept through the night. It was like torture! I can't believe I ever functioned on less the 4 hours of sleep a night. What kind of madwoman...

It doesn't matter anyway, because I don't care! 

It just seems hollow, like it shouldn't be reality. Oh how I wish it wasn't my reality. I'm seeing like three different fonts in this editor screen, so I don't know if it'll look funny once I post this. If it's all uniform, ignore the comment. Just exemplifying my distractedness.

So now that I'm sitting here, telling myself I don't care and kinda feeling like I don't care, I have reached the conclusion that I do in fact care. Because if I didn't I wouldn't have wasted all this time telling you about it. Yes you, my poor unfortunate readership. How you guys read this garble I'll never understand. Reading over my old posts makes me shudder you know. I just can't help but think "jeez I'm a whingy kid..." Anyway. I'm going to go and not do the homework I care so much about. [I always do my homework, I just don't do it as well as I could. Same goes for assignments and essays. Sorry teachers, I just seriously do not care.]

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

Today.

Today is many things. And an all round awful day.

But lets talk about Justice.

Justice, the horse who changed me. Who quite possibly saved me. You know it was a year ago today that I last laid a hand on him? It was a year ago today that I took him to the races and strapped him that first and only time. A year ago that I said goodbye. It feels like a lifetime ago, you know. But I'll never forget what one neurotic, inadequate racehorse did for me. The way he hung his head over the stall door waiting. He was always in a hurry that horse, never interested in a leisurely walk. Being with him was easily the highlight of my week. The human animal bond is something strange but wondrous. How we connect, how we recognise, how we know.

It broke my heart to walk away that cold afternoon. I spoilt him one last time, let him pick at the grass. Rugged him, hugged him and then it was all over.

I wonder about him sometimes, often. Whether he's found a new friend. Whether he's injured. Whether the world has simply given up.

It's my dream to see him again. Deep down I'm clinging to that silly little hope.

In a time before his career was doomed

Now lets talk about the rest of today. Want to hear about my day? Too bad you don't get a choice.

So this morning, before I'd even walked out the door to go to school, there were three family fights. I open my locker upon arriving to school and realise I've left all my maths books and my calculator on my floor at home. Then, being in an environment where socialising is key, I socialise like the sheep I so often pretend to be. Then Food Tech sucked. I hate Food Tech. Go die Food Tech, go die. The teacher is a mole and the students are dumb. Then its home time, and I've so been looking forward to this so I can go home and just be away from it all for a couple of hours until people come home. I trudge down the corridor tired, exhausted, resentful, hate filled. English teachers sees me, and he knows me. So he wants to know what's wrong. 

I've reached that point where there are just no words. So just let me be? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What a hysterically laughable suggestion that is. He was dead set determined to drag it out of me. You can guess what happened yeah? He made me cry. I kept telling myself "you are not going to cry" but it happened anyway. And I am not a crier. So it was intensely frustrating. Crying is something I do late at night when I'm alone, not in front of people. But hey, apparently I'm no longer writing this story. 

So now that I've been rail roaded into seeing the school counsellor... I was just too tired and too upset to argue my way out of this one. So please please please, can there be no space tomorrow. PLEASE!? If there is a God.... No, I'm not going there. That's low.

I so just wanted to go to sleep when I got home. But instead I had half a religion essay (who writes essays in RE!? WHO!?) to write and maths and some other stuff I obviously haven't done. Oh that's right, Food Tech. Screw that test. Bleh. 

You'll be glad to know that my maths is one third completed, and that I have drafted the introduction and two thirds of my first paragraph for my essay. Yay for me.

So yeah, bleh.

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG