Today.

Today is many things. And an all round awful day.

But lets talk about Justice.

Justice, the horse who changed me. Who quite possibly saved me. You know it was a year ago today that I last laid a hand on him? It was a year ago today that I took him to the races and strapped him that first and only time. A year ago that I said goodbye. It feels like a lifetime ago, you know. But I'll never forget what one neurotic, inadequate racehorse did for me. The way he hung his head over the stall door waiting. He was always in a hurry that horse, never interested in a leisurely walk. Being with him was easily the highlight of my week. The human animal bond is something strange but wondrous. How we connect, how we recognise, how we know.

It broke my heart to walk away that cold afternoon. I spoilt him one last time, let him pick at the grass. Rugged him, hugged him and then it was all over.

I wonder about him sometimes, often. Whether he's found a new friend. Whether he's injured. Whether the world has simply given up.

It's my dream to see him again. Deep down I'm clinging to that silly little hope.

In a time before his career was doomed

Now lets talk about the rest of today. Want to hear about my day? Too bad you don't get a choice.

So this morning, before I'd even walked out the door to go to school, there were three family fights. I open my locker upon arriving to school and realise I've left all my maths books and my calculator on my floor at home. Then, being in an environment where socialising is key, I socialise like the sheep I so often pretend to be. Then Food Tech sucked. I hate Food Tech. Go die Food Tech, go die. The teacher is a mole and the students are dumb. Then its home time, and I've so been looking forward to this so I can go home and just be away from it all for a couple of hours until people come home. I trudge down the corridor tired, exhausted, resentful, hate filled. English teachers sees me, and he knows me. So he wants to know what's wrong. 

I've reached that point where there are just no words. So just let me be? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What a hysterically laughable suggestion that is. He was dead set determined to drag it out of me. You can guess what happened yeah? He made me cry. I kept telling myself "you are not going to cry" but it happened anyway. And I am not a crier. So it was intensely frustrating. Crying is something I do late at night when I'm alone, not in front of people. But hey, apparently I'm no longer writing this story. 

So now that I've been rail roaded into seeing the school counsellor... I was just too tired and too upset to argue my way out of this one. So please please please, can there be no space tomorrow. PLEASE!? If there is a God.... No, I'm not going there. That's low.

I so just wanted to go to sleep when I got home. But instead I had half a religion essay (who writes essays in RE!? WHO!?) to write and maths and some other stuff I obviously haven't done. Oh that's right, Food Tech. Screw that test. Bleh. 

You'll be glad to know that my maths is one third completed, and that I have drafted the introduction and two thirds of my first paragraph for my essay. Yay for me.

So yeah, bleh.

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

Like, Wow

My God,

It feels like forever since I last updated this. Who am I kidding it has been forever. When did I last update? Like december, and now its what, april? So so much has happened since I last wrote. Where to start....

Well, I left the stables for starters. They weren't giving me the time of day, so I was like 'eh, time for a new job'. Which I did get by the way, and that was a pretty lame attempt. I did great at getting the job, but they didn't even like me from the very first moment I started. And, well, I didn't realise sweeping required a certificate to do.... "you need to sweep with a purpose" and "it's not about how slow you can go".... Seriously? Needless to say that job lasted a day. Yes, you read that correctly, a day. And my final act of revenge? I didn't tell them I quit, which I think was evened out with the fact that I never saw any money for that one day of torture.
And then there was the awkward moment where I lead out another stables horse at the races, right past them... Never been so embarassed or freaked out in my life. But its over now. Phew.

And I enjoyed a wonderful eight week holiday. Not that it was particularly awesome, because you know, being me and all entails some sort of mental breakdown at some stage... And it happened. At 3am. Thankfully. I've been harming too, but thats a seperate and touchy issue, so we'll leave that for another time.

You know, I'd almost liken self harm to a fist fight. Two sides hitting eachother. Only when you fight yourself, you can only hit yourself. Hows that for helping people understand?

And then there was going back to school. That was such a complex thing for me. My former friends just stopped talking to me, and even now they just like right through me like I don't exsist. Do you know what its like to be invisible. So I worried about that, going back to school. And then there was the slight issue of there no longer being any teachers who knew me at school. That was the scariest part for me. I hadn't felt that alone for quite some time. But my fears amounted to very little, as I said, said group ignores me and I've found some much nicer friends. And I've befriended (if you like) a new teacher.

But that thing with school is, I just can't make myself care. I know I'm good academically, but getting me to do stuff is another matter altogether. I tell teachers to get stuffed, and they leave me alone. Hardly ideal, but thats my life. And I couldn't quite settle in the entire length of term one. I still haven't. It's, I don't know what it is, but its making me hurt all that more inside. Feel like I'm just bleeding sometimes.

And then there was today.

The first stable offered me my job back. And it was one of those freak instances too. Like, hehe woooooo. I was supposed to go the Ballarat with some people from said stable because we're still mates, but they didn't end up going and no one told me that! So I go to the stables. Fail? I think so. However, I left with my old job and I got to see Jarred. Not bad at all. And you'll be glad to know Jarred is doing well. He's had two races now, not winning but he's city class and things can only go up for him!

Jarred at his all important first race start, acting the fool as always

Oh, and the all important Justice update!
He popped up with a new trainer, and has since strung together two wins. I was so excited to see that he'd finally broken his maiden. His last race was on Feb 19th, so I think he's gone to the paddock. Not a day goes by where I don't miss my baby, but I'm stoked his finally showing everyone he can race. You go Justi!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG

Life Goes On

It's been quite some time since I last posted, and a few significant things have happened.

Firstly, my favourite teacher is leaving at the end of the year. Originally I was just upset, then annoyed/frustrated/angry and now just sad. He's been such a phenomenally important part of my life since year seven and I hate to think about where I'd be today if he hadn't taken my problems so personally. The day I wanted to die, he changed my life forever. He said to me that if he honestly believed I would give up, we wouldn't be having this conversastion, nor have had any of it's predecessors. His honest and absolute faith kept me here, kept me strong, kept me fighting. And now he's going. I just... I just don't know. Aside from having been there for me in some of my darkest hours, he's been a mentor and above all else a fantastic teacher. I didn't have him for any subjects this year, but he opted to allow me to question and learn nonetheless. He drove a faint interest into a burning passion. For all of this, I thank him. And will do so to his face before the year ends.

And then I find out the other religion teacher is going too. He's been my homeroom teacher this year, and knows me pretty well. And that's no mean feat. He took me seriously at all times, and never mentioned anything I said to anyone else. He also played his part in fostering me serious interest in religion, answering my multitude of questions unwaveringly. When I asked him why he became a teacher he told me exactly why. He also said he wouldn't do it forever, but I never imagined he'd leave so soon. He's off to see the world, and I have to say, his travel plan sounds awesome. I don't know if it's a forever thing or not though. I think it was implied that it was, but wow.

So our school's two best religion teachers are gone, just like that.

And to prove that bad things really do happen in threes, I was effectively sacked from my job in the stable. I mean, we don't really look at it like a sacking, but that is what it was. I'm welcome to go in and help and look after the horses, I just can't be employed anymore (due to an incident totally unrelated to myself). So I'm back where I started there. But is it their way of discouraging me from being around? They seem to want me there, and I understand why I can no longer be employed but, I don't know. I'm just a little confused.

All of the above happened in one week. One horrible, long week. And I pushed it all out of mind and refused to think about it. But it's time I explored it a little more because ignoring it is not the right course of action. There are also those pre exsiting minor issues. I stopped eating and sleeping well. It's been going on for a month and a half, two months maybe. I've dropped 6kgs. And I hate to say it but it isn't sitting particularly well on my frame. My hip bones are beginning to stick out, and the flesh is thinner around my ribs. Naturally I noted this after my elbow connected with my hip bone. My God, that was a painful experience. It is also, perhaps, needless to say that there has been some self harm. Nothing on a huge scale though, only two-three cuts in the past few weeks, which on the whole isn't too bad.

So, what have I got? Two of the most important people in my life walking straight out of it, no job and I have neither Hope nor Justice. I miss Justice more now then I did before. The way he knew me, the way he cuddled, they way he played, the way he caused mischief, then justified it in his own way. The way he eventually got everybody to love him because he was endearing. He hung his head over the stall door and waited for the pat he knew was coming. I didn't really get to know Hope before she was tipped out, nor do I know when she will return. But we semi-bonded and that's what counts I suppose.

I am but a hollow, my mind is far away. Thinking of things from another time and place. Things that no longer be. And it will be these things, these memories, that I hold onto when I've nothing left but soltitude and darkness

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

Jumps Protesters Go Too Far

The 'Jumps Debate' is an issue very close to my heart, as it is with anyone involved with horses. I was going to go the races today, but opted out keeping in mind that I had to work the following day. I read an online article just now, detailing how smart steeplechaser Geeorb broke down today and it went on to talk about anti-jumps protesters and how they'd blocked the horse ambulance that was taking Geeorb to the Werribee Vet Clinic.

It makes me mad.

What were they trying to achieve other than making themselves look like a pack of tools? It's time Racing Victoria followed South Australia's lead and banned any form of protesting from racecourses on racedays.

I couldn't believe it when they all rushed off at this meet last year to take photos of Spanish Symbol's corpse, and this year they've blown me away again.

Herald Sun Article on the event

Well, there's my small anger release.

Hopefully Justice is still in work when I go in tomorrow.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

Further Wonderings

So, you know. I wonder, a lot. And write a lot of crap, distracting crap, but nonetheless crap. And I've been thinking way too much about things lately.

Like the friends thing, I'm pretty sure its me who is differnt. I don't know why or how. But I'm less inclined to sit with them now. Couldn't tell you why. They want to know why. I used a silly excuse. I needed an excuse to go, there it is.
I like the new group. I say a lot more, feel more comfortable.

I hate it when things change like this.

And school, where to start.
Being in an academic class is difficult, because I feel incredibly stupid in some classes. And when I don't understand, I don't even know what I don't understand. It's freaking ridiculous.

And to add insult to injury I haven't self harmed in months, but you know. There's a cut!?

Still nothing RE: Justice. But then no news is good news in racing!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

Is it Me who Has changed?

It's been like two days, which is awkward, perhaps, but the point is I have my internet back (long story).

Well, it was my birthday on tuesday. Got a new camera, which was brilliant. I've now moved up 6 megapixels in the world!!!
And I saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with some mates.

But, since going back to school from Community Service, I feel like something has changed in my group, and I'm now more comfortable with other people. It's weird, I feel like I've been waiting for an excuse to move away, and I don't know. It's weird. I'm weird (and proud of it).
I just feel like having a massive whinge about school and friends. I did today, sort of.

Anyhoo, not much to report on the Justice front. I don't even know how he pulled up.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the origina CG and Justice

He Ran Terrible

Justice ran really badly, I dunno what went wrong. It was stressful watching him come home... Something has to be wrong, because Justice has heart.


As promised, photos:

Prancing like a tool

Jockey Up

Dunno what's happening here

"OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!"

"Oh, hello"

"I'm a pretty boy"

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Justice

Tomorrow Is the Day

That's right, tomorrow is the day Justice returns to racing, its all very exciting. Hopefully he wins. It's needless to say that their will be lots of pictures.

But, I do wonder at the sanity of my brother at times. He's a physchotic smart arse. Sometimes its scary. You wonder if he'll really hurt you this time? (to be added to my list of wonderings!) It makes you feel bad, all the yelling and fighting, like it's your fault. You want to harm yourself, you want to feel loved. And they you wonder if you are capable of loving.

I mean, I care about people, but do I love them? I don't know that I know love.
I love Justice, that was inevitable in the end.

Wish us luck tomorrow!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

It's Finally Over

Well, I'm pleased to announce that community service is O V E R!!!!!

I spose it wasn't all bad. The grade three girls were quite amusing, very loud, screeching constantly. I got to correct maths work today, and it hurt my head and I couldn't believe I knew the answers off by heart at the end of it all! >.<

It puts you off teaching things like that.

But, its over. One more thing out of the way.

Raceday count: One day to go!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

I Wonder

I spend much of my day staring into space and daydreaming. And then when I get to bed, my mind is in overdrive, and I start wondering things.

So here is my list of wonderings:

• I wonder what it's like to feel no pain.
• I wonder if God really did speak to Moses.
• I wonder what it's like not to feel sad.
• I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been introduced to Justice and the other horses I work with.
• I wonder what would have happen if I'd stood up for myself in primary school.
• I wonder at wondering.
• I wonder why bad things keep happening.

And then I stop. And feel sad again. Because the bad things keep happening, and I wonder, "where did I go wrong?". And then I cry myself to sleep.

It's a sad cycle that I wish would stop, but, it is going to be my life it would seem. Depressing.

And to add insult to injury, I couldn't get to sleep last night due to pain in my wrist that stopped me typing last night. I had to patch up. Miraculous things those patches.

Mine are called Icewave, they take the pain away, using light crystals and acupuncture points. Amazing.

Only two more days til Justice's race.

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Justice

What Is Going On?

Well, Justice is not going to the races on Tuesday or Thursday. As it turns out, he's going to the races next Sunday. Will I get to strap him? Apparently not.

He went and had his 'day out' today. I was too tired and too sore to participate and I have no idea how he coped with standing around all day.

But it is seriously irritating me how some people think I can't handle him. Justice is one of the nicest horses I get to handle, and I'm not about to stop looking after him.

The other girl won't be taking him next sunday, it will be someone else, shouldering in on our turf.

Well, Justice gets his chance to prove he's awesome.

On a more sour note, I start community service tomorrow. Shoot me now. Please, shoot me now!

>.<

I got a new fish today as well. He's nearly the same as Pirate, but he has black patches, he's pretty cool, but I wish I'd stop referring to him as dude!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

Is He or Isn't He?

I got an automated email from a website I use informing me that Justice is nominated for two race meets next week. Tuesday and Thursday. Yet on the official racing site he appears nowhere. So confused as I am, I try to log into this site to explore why Justice is a nominee on one site and not on another.

It took me several goes to remember which password I used on this site, and when I finally got it, it stopped working. And it continues too tell me that "this link appears to be broken" an hour later. When I asked a friend to try the forementioned site over MSN, it worked perfectly fine! So now I'm sitting here going, "Why, why!"

I spose I'll have to have a look at the board when I go in to work on Sunday. Because there is no way in hell Justice is going to the races without me.

Well thats the end of my semi rant/semi "IMSOFREAKINEXCITED" post so,

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

I Still Think Pokemon Are Cool!

Yes, sad as it may or may not be, I am still enjoying pokemon. Good ol' Pikachu. 93.3% of people remembered Pikachu according to this quiz. Weird.
Everyone will be glad to know that my ringtone is currently the original pokemon theme song.
I wanted to embed this, but they wouldn't let me :(

And you should watch this.

Ok, I swear that's it with the Pokemon links!

"Pokemon, gotta catch em all, it's you and me, i know its my destiny, pokemon, oooh you're my best friend in a world we must defend"
Yep, sad I know.

tehehehe

On the downside, my wrists are totally screwed. Playing guitar hero without taping my hands was THE worst idea ever! Point is, I'm actually really good at it :D

Justice didn't go to a practise raceday today, soon though.
I can already see the beginnings of a rash on my wrists.

It totally begs the question though, how can I possibly have a list of problems this long in today's day and age?
The Royal Children's Hospital gave up on me, and well.... it didn't get better, it just got worse. It's just bullshit, for lack of a better word. It makes me feel bad and it is bullshit.

Anyhoo..

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

Justice and Me

I'm not the sort of person to get into things on a deep and personal level. I do talk in this depth with a few people close to me, but even then it's not often. So today I choose to talk about the bond between me and this horse.

I'm sure some of you wonder why an animal? Why a horse, a racehorse, Justice?
The answer is simple, yet complicated.

Sometimes in life, you find there are things in life you just can't tell anybody. Sometimes you sit there and share these things with a beloved cat or dog. I share with Justice.
When I met this horse, I think he was largely misunderstood more than anything else. No one really wanted to love him and look after him. I think that's what he needed. Before I came across him, I'm fairly sure he had a history of being mean, to say the least. I haven't asked because I don't want to know. The horse I know isn't mean.
Only one other person bothered to give him attention, and to spend time with him. And that was ultimately how we bonded. I cherish our friendship, and it happened because of Justice.
When I was just working sundays, no one else would go near him, and by accident he'd be palmed off to me. I liked him that first time we went for a walk. He was an amusing character.
The day the boss noticed I was walking him, he didn't like it.
But I was attached anyway.

But now he is 'my' horse. Everyone at work has 'their' horses. He is mine. He knows it too. Even though he gets hyped up sometimes and drags me round, he doesn't mean it. He doesn't bite, I've never seen him kick anyone. He just gets a little bit over excited from time to time. But at the end of the day, Justice is a racehorse.

I suppose its knowing that something out there is happy to see you when you're around. It's nice that he nuzzles me and does cuddles. It's nice to practise the simple things in life, such as walking. He's in a rush, and sometimes I am too. And you sit back later, after the moments have finished and you wish you'd seized the chance to make the moment last, because in that moment, you realise, you were everything you wanted to be. And everything you wanted to be is gone again.
When we rush, we lose ourselves. When we slow down we are found again. We all need to slow down and smell the roses once and awhile, just to remind ourselves who we are.

Now I'm thinking and seeing how I do rush. I try and rush school, mostly because I hate it, but that rushing is hurting me in the long run. My latest report was pretty terrible, and I'm not sure how I'll go about changing it. School hurts me more than anything.
Being with Justice and with the people at work has shown me who I am again, because I slow down. I am me. I don't have to hide there.

The benefits of having an animal companion are numerous. They just listen to you, they know when things are wrong, they know when things are great, they know when to challenge you and they know when to let you be.

Who are your special friends?

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

He Can Walk

Justice after a lazy morning walk. Well it wasn't really a walk, more like a prance/trot. Just like he doesn't do clean, he doesn't walk. But we've been practising that. He still doesn't quite get it though. >.<

Average day though. My shoulder is killing me, all the muscles are strained. And I didn't start my homework like I said I would, and I'm about to turn around and shoot my grandmother *just 4 more nights, just four more nights*
But the need to self harm is incredible, like I think I'm going to have to do it, and I don't want to but it's a difficult need/feeling to ignore. Guess I'll continue to blame it on the cat.

I like to think I have the grounds to do it. I've been thrown out of my room ffs. I haven't slept this badly since this time last year AND my sister keeps going through all my stuff.... half it will disappear before thursday! I'm just angry.

And its been officially two years and four days since my injury saga started. All over a box!! A box! First my ankle, then my wrists, now my knee >.<

I guess I'm just being a grump, a tired grump. Hmm...

This 'quote' made me smile:

"Dont make me come down there"
- God

As a religion nerd, I must laugh.

Anyway..

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

I Want My Room Back

Yes, yes I do.

I think it's uncalled for to throw me out of my room. I'm nearly fifteen, and the oldest child, but by all means make me share. It might as well no longer be my room.
*groan*

Just six more nights....

More importantly I get to see Justice tomorrow morning, then off to Wodonga races, and then back to the stables, see Justice briefly and home to bed. Maybe I'll sleep better tomorrow night, because last night was horrendous.
2.50am was the last time I saw the clock, then it was 4.30am, then 6.20am and then 8.30am.

What a night.

I wonder if Justice ate much today? I need to spend some time giving him grass...
We're quite similar me and that horse. He doesn't eat much, nor do I. We both have a history of injuries...
Atleast tomorrow promises to be a know-it-all free day!

Well, bye for now but not forever!

- the original CG and Justice

Trial Morning

Some Photos From the Trial

This is our Story

My name doesn't matter. The horse is Justice, but that doesn't matter either. This is our story.



In about Febuary 2008, I self harmed for the first time. Sitting here over a year later I put it down to the beginning of some very unfortunate circumstances.

I'm an avid racing fan, and am the no.1 fan of Apache Cat. The day he won the Lightning Stakes, I had to go to a wedding. To top it off, I wore a dress. I hate dresses, I think a skirt is pushing it, but I wore a dress. It started out ok the wedding. But then these to girsl caught sight of me.


In past times, I was later told, I was friends with these girls. They didn't remember me, nor did I remember them. It didn't stop them picking on me.


They laughed at me all night, threw things at me, and told people a lot of crap about me. It seemed so much worse that day. I cried. Cried because it hurt and because I'd missed a special horse win an important race.


Apache's next race was to be in two weeks time, so I focused on that.


That monday I got a birthday party invitation. Turned out that party was on the same day as Apache's next race, and his last race in Melbourne until November. When I told Mum, she got mad at me for putting the race first saying "I'm not letting a horse get in the way of a friendship". I just walked away and cried. Thinking about how Apache wasn't just a horse and that the friendship in question hadn't quite been the same for quite some time.


It was when I sat in my room that summer's afternoon that the marks first appeared on my arm.


If the other girl's at school noticed, they didn't say anything. A teacher noticed though, and he did everything.



That was the point where it all went wrong, where the demons long pushed away in my mind finally got out and everything just went to shit, for lack of a better word.

Less than a month later my grandfather died, after a four year battle with alzheimers and dementia. I remain strong in my opinion that the nursing home killed him, but thats another story.

Things went up and down constantly, I was never quite happy and my grief was often fuelled by the constant complaints from my tendons. In july the previous year a box was dropped on the back of my ankle. The box shouldnt have caused two years of problems, but it has. My ankle healed (sort of) on its own after the doctor's at the Children's Hospital simply went "Well, we don't know". But by that point my wrists were taped up, and most recently my patella tendon has gone.


Taping my wrists started 'emo' and 'self harm' rumours. They weren't far off the mark about the self harm, but I wonder "who could possibly be stupid enough to place adhesive tape over a wound?". I've never harmed my wrists in any way, shape of form.



In late august last year, I got a volunteer position in a well known racing stable. It was a turning point, somewhere where I became strictly me. I made lots of new friends, friends I'll never forget, but most importantly I met Justice here.


When I met Justice, he was just an average horse, a pretty one, but average. He didn't walk, he pranced and trotted, tucking his nose into his chest. I liked him from day one.


I walked this horse, and stood with him while he picked at the grass every sunday for two months. The sunday before his first race the foreman was alarmed to find that I was walking him. It seems Justice has a vile history, but I've never seen that side to him. Point was, Justice was behaving.


He ran 5th in that race. He got out too late to gain ground, I wasn't too disappointed, just glad he got to the track. The jockey assured us he'd win his next race. When we got home during the afternoon shift in the stable, the foreman laughed because the horse and I stood quietly side by side. That was when he truly did become 'my' horse. Everyone knows he's mine now.


At his second race, he ran second. He should of won, but he near shat himself when the eventual winner flew past him. They decided on blinkers for his next race.


Less than a week later, Justice was gone. Injured. He strained a suspensory ligament.


That hurt.



Five long months later, he came back. He still knew me, he still loved grass, he still pranced around, still was Justice. Only this time he was a gelding.



On tuesday, Justice ran second in a trial. They like him now, they think he's got a pretty good future. I like him too. I wouldn't care if he didn't have a future. But he does, and that's a bonus.

Together Justice and I are going somewhere. Justice will follow me to recovery, and I will follow him to the races.


Please check back regularly for stories about him, and stories about me, and stories about us. I think our story needs telling, but for a story to be told there needs to be an audience.


Bye for now, but not forever!