It really isn't my fault and at best I'll accept partial blame

So my grandma told my Mum at age seven that she wished Mum had never been born.

And alas, the plot thickens.

I wish she'd stop blaming me for the way my sister is turning out. I'm insecure so of course I'm going to lash out, but why would that matter? It doesn't apparently. After years of torment because of the acne you can't control, your confidence flies out the window. It was kind of this time last year that it really cleared up and looked good. Finally after years the meds were helping and I didn't break out, the scars were minimal, my face wasn't lumpy. I could safely say I was actually pretty happy with how it was all looking.

But naturally things went wrong, couldn't take that med anymore, cysts galore and thus I've broken out again and it's hideous and I feel ugly. So when my sister says things like "I'm getting pimples from you!", you die a little inside. And when you die a little inside you have to compensate with something else, and apparently for me it seems to be my weight and my hair. I do not cope with messy, greasy hair. It has to be neat and clean at all times. So I do it. I also eat less then I used to. Funny how people don't quite notice.

But why would they? It's like asking them whether or not I self harm. If I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know.

So do I want the help or not? I don't know. I just want to leave. After tonight I'm getting half desperate and stressed. I'm sure running on three hours of sleep isn't helping, but seeing as I'm too hollow to sleep at present, there isn't a whole lot for me to do.

We played the family blame game again tonight. Mum just blames me and my brother for everything and naturally we don't get rite of reply and just have to swallow the crap she says to us. Which is hard, very hard. Specially when she can't see that she's at fault too.

She'll never know.

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG