Today's weight: 69kg
Sometimes I forget people actually read this.
So today I'm sitting in Texts and Traditions, listening to the 'revision' talk and drawing stars on my page for the teacher to randomly come over and take the sheet off me. But not for me to get in trouble, just to show everyone which sheet we'll need to revise. Yeah, it was kind of awkward when everyone realised it was covered in stars.
I really just can't shake this mood. Usually I straighten myself out really quickly and just get on with things, but this time I'm having a considerable amount of trouble. By the end of the day I'm ready to hurt someone because I'm just so tired and I just don't care. I'm cutting, every day. School has undone all the progress I made with my knee over five months in just two short weeks. The surgeon said to avoid stairs and I said "fat chance".
It's not fair. I feel like a kid having a tantrum, but it's not fair. I didn't ask for this, I don't even want this. What if I decide to just give it all up yeah? What if I decide enough is enough? What if I decide I just can't pick myself up off the ground anymore?
CG
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Yes I am Grumpy for Absolutely no Reason Whatsoever
Today's Weight: 67kg
I actually hate school with a passion. However, nothing makes me more grumpy/angry than going from school to home. GAH! Cannot win, totally ridiculous. I miss being around the horses. I really miss the summer holidays. I miss the sleeping and the freedom. Now, I get two and a half hours of homework every night and a whole lot of stress. What if I burn out? What if two and a half hours a night is too much? And it's only going to get worse from here. I know people say I'll get used to it, but I worry that I won't and I'll just spend all my time drawing stars in my margins.
I love stars though. Rhythmic. Can scribble and listen at the same time, there is little better than that.
But seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I just hate me. I'm a freakin' disaster. I'm wearing a rubber band again. Yeah. That's exactly where all this is going. Hate it, but I'm not ready to stop. Vicious circles. [Dane Cook likes those.... Brain Ninjas.... Youtube].
I don't know what to do as far as friends go anyway. People shit me up the wall. They really do. Former best friend has latched onto the group I'm in and I'm not sure I'm prepared to hang around. Which gives me two options - drifter, or the library. I'm sure a bit of both wouldn't be too bad. But I don't know. I feel like I know less and less everyday. It's not true but I often find myself wishing it was. I just don't want to understand anymore. I don't want to hear myself anymore. I know its only selftalk but its very, very negative. There was a time where I would do it, but I would be very aware of it and would thus stop. But now, now I just get all swept up in listening to myself. And I believe it. I caught myself once on Sunday morning, but that was it. I just listen to myself. And I shouldn't, because I'm bad.
Ah, I don't know. I'm just all caught up and lost in my own mind.
- CG
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
My Hair Seems to Change Colour Daily
Because I dyed it. And by that I mean not a new colour everyday, but I dyed on Sunday and with every wash the colour alters. Yesterday it was fluro red and today its a bit duller. Tomorrow it will be slightly duller again.
Today's Weight: 69kg
Well that's dangerously close to 70kg isn't? And I am not starving myself, I just have some slight issues with weighing anything more than that - lets just make that distinction. I've also been cutting again, what a shocker. Slightly more disturbing than that is the fact that I recently purchased a brand new pair of scissors - however, I can't say the cut any better than the old pair. Which kind of isn't the point. But anyway.
My former best friends still doesn't talk to me. Which is super awkward because she's kind of joined the group I have. But, I have taken a leaf out of her book and am just not talking to her. Which is still very, very awkward. The other thing that's kind of starting to worry me is I'm kind of becoming a bit forgetful. And it worries me because it's really unlike me. I mean, I may forget to water the plant but when it comes to homework, I just don't forget about stuff like that. It seems irrational to be so concerned, but its just so unlike me so I feel worried by it.
Stupid memory.
- CG
Today's Weight: 69kg
Well that's dangerously close to 70kg isn't? And I am not starving myself, I just have some slight issues with weighing anything more than that - lets just make that distinction. I've also been cutting again, what a shocker. Slightly more disturbing than that is the fact that I recently purchased a brand new pair of scissors - however, I can't say the cut any better than the old pair. Which kind of isn't the point. But anyway.
My former best friends still doesn't talk to me. Which is super awkward because she's kind of joined the group I have. But, I have taken a leaf out of her book and am just not talking to her. Which is still very, very awkward. The other thing that's kind of starting to worry me is I'm kind of becoming a bit forgetful. And it worries me because it's really unlike me. I mean, I may forget to water the plant but when it comes to homework, I just don't forget about stuff like that. It seems irrational to be so concerned, but its just so unlike me so I feel worried by it.
Stupid memory.
- CG
Friday, February 4, 2011
Today's weight: 68kg
I just hated today. It wouldn't end. School is just such a drainer and after two days I've completely had it. I dislike the teachers and I dislike many of the people. It's just ugh.
I've also started obsessing over my weight again, as you may have noticed. I have this phobia of weighing more than 70kg, I cannot cop that. Why? Because I feel really ugly and I will not weigh more than 70kg. No way, not ever.
I think, I think that I'm on a one way flight to wrecksville and I don't know how to stop it. This is exactly how last year started and this does not make me happy. I feel so unsettled and unhappy. I just want to cry. Because every single time I settle, its all ripped out from underneath me. I'm so tired of this, so so tired.
- CG
I just hated today. It wouldn't end. School is just such a drainer and after two days I've completely had it. I dislike the teachers and I dislike many of the people. It's just ugh.
I've also started obsessing over my weight again, as you may have noticed. I have this phobia of weighing more than 70kg, I cannot cop that. Why? Because I feel really ugly and I will not weigh more than 70kg. No way, not ever.
I think, I think that I'm on a one way flight to wrecksville and I don't know how to stop it. This is exactly how last year started and this does not make me happy. I feel so unsettled and unhappy. I just want to cry. Because every single time I settle, its all ripped out from underneath me. I'm so tired of this, so so tired.
- CG
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I couldn't think of a clever title
Today's Weight: 69kg
I just shouldn't ever bring my problems up with other people. They're usually right and I don't want them to be, so I get agitated and even more upset than I originally was.
What is the point of that? You don't know? Wonderful.
Just wonderful.
Because, I think my best friend hates me. Or at least just doesn't want to be friends anymore. She claims there is nothing wrong, but I don't believe her. I'm staring at that message like its all lies. How can nothing be wrong when she's attached at the hip to her old best friend and didn't even greet me on the first day of school until I said hi to her? How can nothing be wrong when I'm the one who always organises get togethers? How can nothing be wrong when she claims this is due to laziness, but all summer I watch her organise things with other people? Huh? Huh? But no, there's absolutely nothing wrong!
But I feel like there is. No one just does that, do they? It's definitely not a sign of friendship.
This whole situation reeks of deja vu. Because this is exactly what happened last year. I was no longer included in out of school get togethers and then when the summer holidays rolled around they just cut me off without a word. Of course, after they commited the crime of rumour spreading.
Just because its partially true does not mean you can say it. I don't do it to anyone. Do you know why? Because it hurts. I feel poorer for having trusted people, for letting them into my life. Why did I do it? I must have some kind of death wish, because having friends is killing me. Slowly and painfully.
Fuck. It's just not fair, I know I say this a lot, but its just not fair. Some people have it so easy, and its just not fair. Why do I have to work so hard to be let down all the time?
Anyone?
- CG
I just shouldn't ever bring my problems up with other people. They're usually right and I don't want them to be, so I get agitated and even more upset than I originally was.
What is the point of that? You don't know? Wonderful.
Just wonderful.
Because, I think my best friend hates me. Or at least just doesn't want to be friends anymore. She claims there is nothing wrong, but I don't believe her. I'm staring at that message like its all lies. How can nothing be wrong when she's attached at the hip to her old best friend and didn't even greet me on the first day of school until I said hi to her? How can nothing be wrong when I'm the one who always organises get togethers? How can nothing be wrong when she claims this is due to laziness, but all summer I watch her organise things with other people? Huh? Huh? But no, there's absolutely nothing wrong!
But I feel like there is. No one just does that, do they? It's definitely not a sign of friendship.
This whole situation reeks of deja vu. Because this is exactly what happened last year. I was no longer included in out of school get togethers and then when the summer holidays rolled around they just cut me off without a word. Of course, after they commited the crime of rumour spreading.
Just because its partially true does not mean you can say it. I don't do it to anyone. Do you know why? Because it hurts. I feel poorer for having trusted people, for letting them into my life. Why did I do it? I must have some kind of death wish, because having friends is killing me. Slowly and painfully.
Fuck. It's just not fair, I know I say this a lot, but its just not fair. Some people have it so easy, and its just not fair. Why do I have to work so hard to be let down all the time?
Anyone?
- CG
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