Happiness is fine but its momentary, a momentary lapse of reality

Today's weight: 69kg

Sometimes I forget people actually read this.

So today I'm sitting in Texts and Traditions, listening to the 'revision' talk and drawing stars on my page for the teacher to randomly come over and take the sheet off me. But not for me to get in trouble, just to show everyone which sheet we'll need to revise. Yeah, it was kind of awkward when everyone realised it was covered in stars.

I really just can't shake this mood. Usually I straighten myself out really quickly and just get on with things, but this time I'm having a considerable amount of trouble. By the end of the day I'm ready to hurt someone because I'm just so tired and I just don't care. I'm cutting, every day. School has undone all the progress I made with my knee over five months in just two short weeks. The surgeon said to avoid stairs and I said "fat chance".

It's not fair. I feel like a kid having a tantrum, but it's not fair. I didn't ask for this, I don't even want this. What if I decide to just give it all up yeah? What if I decide enough is enough? What if I decide I just can't pick myself up off the ground anymore?

CG