I actually hate school with a passion. However, nothing makes me more grumpy/angry than going from school to home. GAH! Cannot win, totally ridiculous. I miss being around the horses. I really miss the summer holidays. I miss the sleeping and the freedom. Now, I get two and a half hours of homework every night and a whole lot of stress. What if I burn out? What if two and a half hours a night is too much? And it's only going to get worse from here. I know people say I'll get used to it, but I worry that I won't and I'll just spend all my time drawing stars in my margins.
I love stars though. Rhythmic. Can scribble and listen at the same time, there is little better than that.
But seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I just hate me. I'm a freakin' disaster. I'm wearing a rubber band again. Yeah. That's exactly where all this is going. Hate it, but I'm not ready to stop. Vicious circles. [Dane Cook likes those.... Brain Ninjas.... Youtube].
I don't know what to do as far as friends go anyway. People shit me up the wall. They really do. Former best friend has latched onto the group I'm in and I'm not sure I'm prepared to hang around. Which gives me two options - drifter, or the library. I'm sure a bit of both wouldn't be too bad. But I don't know. I feel like I know less and less everyday. It's not true but I often find myself wishing it was. I just don't want to understand anymore. I don't want to hear myself anymore. I know its only selftalk but its very, very negative. There was a time where I would do it, but I would be very aware of it and would thus stop. But now, now I just get all swept up in listening to myself. And I believe it. I caught myself once on Sunday morning, but that was it. I just listen to myself. And I shouldn't, because I'm bad.
Ah, I don't know. I'm just all caught up and lost in my own mind.
- CG
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