-head desk-

What'd I do!?

I feel this is a fair enough question. All these things keep happening, and show no signs of improving. GRR LIFE.  GRRRRRR.

You know that girl I'm currently hating on? Well she's decided to inform everyone I kicked her. This is obviously not true. And no, I don't know where she got the bruise on her leg from. If you want my opinion (and too bad, you're getting it anyway) she probably gave it to herself to provide authenticity. She's spent this week posting an array of crap on her Facebook page and what I love about her Facebook page is she neglects to enforce any sort of privacy - so I can see it all and comment. Not that I do. How dumb do you think I am?

I get shit at home.
I get shit at school.

WHY!?

-head desk-

At what point does it get better? I'm tired. MAKE IT BETTER.... please?

- CG

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

First-

I had a right go at her. And was later informed she cried. That's all I really wanted. So now she knows how I feel. Awesome!

Now-

After last night's epic breakdown (Mum and Dad's epic breakdown, not mine) I've pretty much decided its time to go. The environment is not peaceful and hasn't been for a long, long time. I hate school, and I'd rather be there then at home. If that doesn't convey my feelings, then what does?

It's not permanent, no way. But its definitely time to do something. I've contemplated this for awhile now but it wasn't even a real option until tonight when I realised that I'm actually of legal age to move out. So lets muse a bit.

I couldn't move in with relatives, that's insane and I would go insane. Besides my Grandma isn't the way she used to be and my cousins, aunt and uncle all live way too far out. I could always try someone from work, but again that's kind of cross town. But more doable then the relatives. However, I need to get to school. School is the real big problem here. It'd be so much easier if I just didn't go - but that is simply not an option. I have an income, so its all good there. And the cops can't make me go home without a court order, so... I'm fairly sure this is the right thing to do. And as I said, its not a forever deal.

I just need somewhere to go.

...watches her ideas crash and burn...


I'm not crazy either, just by the way.  I was talking to a KHL counsellor and they seemed to agree with me. I'm just doing myself more damage by staying here and now that I know what my family thinks and all, I'd say its time to go.

So yeah. Not as deep as I thought it would be, but hey! Sort of outlines it all no doubt.

Bye for now but not forever,
- CG

The Gutless Wonder

WARNING: this blog post contains a pointless rage about a situation that should never have happened. If you don't want to read it, don't. Do not track me down and hit me of give me any sort of lecture because I make NO APOLOGIES for having feelings. Besides, you chose to read it.

Okay.

Oh.My.God.

Yes, I did just bring God into this, I'm only half apologetic for that, but being catholic and all I feel like I have some sort of right to say that. Shut up CG, this is not a humorous post!

So there's this girl at school. And she seems hell bent on starting some fight with me that I so obviously don't want to have. In May she tried to start something the first time. It started on Facebook and she lied to me about the Facebook status so when I found it I was pissed. It was so obviously about me, and the remarks were callous. So maybe I had an emo moment and cut myself at the point. Never again over her, never again. That very same afternoon she sent me a series of text messages and this continued on for a week. At first it was kind of funny, but it just got more and more ridiculous and she made a pretty serious allegation and I had had enough. Logged everything in a Word doc. and gave it all the the school.

I was apologised to, via text message. Nothing to my face. She couldn't look me in the eye. She couldn't look at me at all. You tell me who won this round of cyber bullying and I didn't even have to be rude!

Its August now. And on Friday she actually said something to me. Could of knocked me over with a feather. I was looking for a mutual friend who was incidentally spending the night at my house and she opted to make a helpful suggestion. Which was nice.

We're at my house. And my friend starts getting messages from her. She's got this new sympathy fishing scenario happening and frankly, after everything that's happened, I just don't know what to believe. So I'm reading these messages over my friend's shoulder and pretty quickly this girl works out that I'm reading these messages, so she starts directing them at me. She tried to do two things. Bully/threaten me and turn this friend on me. She failed, badly. 

I'm tired of her shit, frankly. She bangs on about giving me a second chance when she obviously hasn't, how her apologies were crap because she was "forced to make them". It's just ridiculous. [insert an insane amount of profanities here] I can't believe I just used that word, profanities....

It just shits me. How people do this to me. And how life likes to kick me really hard when I'm down.

And lets face it. Not talking to me and messaging me instead is one thing, but doing it to someone else's phone. Eat some concrete and harden the fuck up.

I'm going to go sit back in reality where I'm a "useless dumb fucking child" and just enjoy being hated. Right on!

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

S'like, I just, don't know?

You know, I haven't felt like this in ages. I want to cry all the time. I don't cry. I rarely cry. But I want to cry all the time at the moment. WHY!? And I'm lethargic and grumpy in the mornings. Don't want to do anything. Be anything. Have anything.

Blah.

I'm not hungry either. No, that's wrong. I'm hungry, sort of. I just have no desire to eat. Food just isn't appealing to me. So its kind of really quite cruel.

And counselling. I don't like her. I'm not going back. End of story.

Okay. That's it. I had so much more to say, but now its all gone.

Bye for now, but not forever,
- CG

Today.

Today is many things. And an all round awful day.

But lets talk about Justice.

Justice, the horse who changed me. Who quite possibly saved me. You know it was a year ago today that I last laid a hand on him? It was a year ago today that I took him to the races and strapped him that first and only time. A year ago that I said goodbye. It feels like a lifetime ago, you know. But I'll never forget what one neurotic, inadequate racehorse did for me. The way he hung his head over the stall door waiting. He was always in a hurry that horse, never interested in a leisurely walk. Being with him was easily the highlight of my week. The human animal bond is something strange but wondrous. How we connect, how we recognise, how we know.

It broke my heart to walk away that cold afternoon. I spoilt him one last time, let him pick at the grass. Rugged him, hugged him and then it was all over.

I wonder about him sometimes, often. Whether he's found a new friend. Whether he's injured. Whether the world has simply given up.

It's my dream to see him again. Deep down I'm clinging to that silly little hope.

In a time before his career was doomed

Now lets talk about the rest of today. Want to hear about my day? Too bad you don't get a choice.

So this morning, before I'd even walked out the door to go to school, there were three family fights. I open my locker upon arriving to school and realise I've left all my maths books and my calculator on my floor at home. Then, being in an environment where socialising is key, I socialise like the sheep I so often pretend to be. Then Food Tech sucked. I hate Food Tech. Go die Food Tech, go die. The teacher is a mole and the students are dumb. Then its home time, and I've so been looking forward to this so I can go home and just be away from it all for a couple of hours until people come home. I trudge down the corridor tired, exhausted, resentful, hate filled. English teachers sees me, and he knows me. So he wants to know what's wrong. 

I've reached that point where there are just no words. So just let me be? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What a hysterically laughable suggestion that is. He was dead set determined to drag it out of me. You can guess what happened yeah? He made me cry. I kept telling myself "you are not going to cry" but it happened anyway. And I am not a crier. So it was intensely frustrating. Crying is something I do late at night when I'm alone, not in front of people. But hey, apparently I'm no longer writing this story. 

So now that I've been rail roaded into seeing the school counsellor... I was just too tired and too upset to argue my way out of this one. So please please please, can there be no space tomorrow. PLEASE!? If there is a God.... No, I'm not going there. That's low.

I so just wanted to go to sleep when I got home. But instead I had half a religion essay (who writes essays in RE!? WHO!?) to write and maths and some other stuff I obviously haven't done. Oh that's right, Food Tech. Screw that test. Bleh. 

You'll be glad to know that my maths is one third completed, and that I have drafted the introduction and two thirds of my first paragraph for my essay. Yay for me.

So yeah, bleh.

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

Only a Fool Spends this much Time on the Great Gatsby!

And unfortunately I'm one of those fools. And what's so great about Gatsby? He's a bootlegger. Ooooooh, rebel. If this is one of America's greatest pieces of literature, I'm scared to read the other, um, 'greats'. Thank you English Literature task, thank you. Though, I have realised that my note taking is exceptionally odd. I create little mind maps all over the page and just branch and branch and branch until it appears to look like an intricate lot of spider webs.

Me? Weird? Never.

In the spirit of being me, here's a random subject change!

The Joker.

I never quite realised the full extent of this super villain's awesomeness! He is truly something extraordinary, there's simply no denying it. And whom do I have to thank for this chance to read into the Joker's exploits. My English class. I'm making a bold attempt at humanising him so we all feel sorry for him. Why don't we feel sorry for someone with a permanent smile and green hair who is relentlessly chased by some wannabe vigilante? Too far? Oh well. It's a fun assessment task and I never say that about school work!

-insert random subject change-

Not that its completely random... but I have this friend Alice who has the obsession with keytars. She tells me she's going to buy one and that no one could resist a band featuring a keytar and a ukulele.

While we're talking about Alice, I have a message for her...

ALICE!

I am insanely jealous of your wardrobe! I don't have anywhere like that to hide in my house. I just leave.

Speaking of leaving. I'm thinking about it. It's not normal the amount of fighting that happens in this house. It just goes on and on and on and on... Endlessly. I don't care what you say, I'm not a 'stupid fucking child' nor a 'lazy so and so' nor a 'fucking bitch' or anything else. The only person who says those things about me, is me. The only person that gets to hate me, IS ME. So there.

Yep.

My current regret? Choice of blade. That's it.

Bye for now but not forever,
- CG

Promise I'm Back For Good

Cheers to you if you end up reading this. I've become really, really inconsistent. But I promise I'm here to stay now. Notice I made the blog all pretty and new?

Just because I feel like informing you all... I have yet another new job. Yes, in the stables again. I think I'll be at this one for a long while. Been there since May and loving it.

It's kind of nice being back here. Having my space. My hard copy journal is cool but this is cool too. Bit more freedom with the decoration and such... Okay, okay! Enough.

And now, because you all love me so much you get to listen to me whinge! I'm kidding, you don't have to read it, consider this your warning.

Okay?

I think that hate is one of the most overused words in the English language, but I feel it applies here. I hate my family. I hate that its all double standards. I hate the fighting. I hate the name calling. I hate the use of weapons. I hate the obsessions. I have the fear. I hate feeling like I live in a war zone.

I think I just plain hate being around them altogether. And I'm not the sort of person who has lots and lots of friends and can go out all day and all night. Not just that, but I'm shy too and I just get tired out all to easily. So I stick around and just allow things to get worse. But what else can I do? If I can't leave, can't hide, can no longer just sit there and take it... all there is to do is fight back. Which is not ideal. Because once one person gets yelling, we all get yelling. It's not an ideal environment.

Everyone's just stressed all the time.

It sucks. I don't know what to do. No one has any answers. You know, its all just "deal.with.it"

Right.

Bye for now, but not forever (promise!)
- CG