I'm not going to tell you a thing

No Mum, I do not wish to enlighten you. If you don't know already then I don't feel like elaborating. I mean, how do I tell you that you're the problem?

You always assume that I'm acting out of vindictiveness like I'm that sort of bitch. And then you expect it to all be okay, I'm not going to be grumpy, it's all chill. Well it's not. I don't like it when you put words in my mouth. You don't really know me at all. You're always surprised when I'm grumpy, always. I'm always grumpy, usually right from the moment you walk through that door because you can't leave work at work.

You're a stresshead.You are all stressheads. And you yell, and yell, and yell and treat us like it's our fault. And then you have all these double standards and I'm always being blamed for something because I just can never manage to be that perfect child. None of us can. My sister clenches her jaw and seems to have anxiety issues, my brother has anger management issues big time and I have depression and self harm. Does no one see a trend?

I don't want this. I don't want any of it. I don't want to know. I want to disappear. Go away. Find some place where I'm actually happy. I'm starting to wonder if I'm just a victim of circumstance or whether the universe is just playing some cruel joke.

It's not a funny joke either. It's borderline sadistic.

It's not a passing moment either. I can trace the bullying that fed this torture back to age four.

BACK TO AGE FOUR.

There is no God.

- CG

Brain, Stop Thinking

Okay, so I've done some thinking. I'm always thinking, but this time I did a lot of thinking and I realised something. When I go to the RCH on the 20th of December I will, hopefully, get the answer I have been seeking for three and a half years. But in getting this answer it would mean that my life was pre-determined to suck. Because the hyper extension issue is a genetic disorder.

Genetics! They're ruining my life. They link me to my family and they've given my crap joints. Crap hyper extending joints. This is not fair and totally uncalled for. What'd I do? Why did this happen? Why was a born?

Why can't I die?

Please?

See what happens when you think brain, do you see!?

- CG

Of Interest?

On the 20th of December I will be returning to the Royal Children's Hospital. But not the pain management clinic, more like the section dedicated to genetic research. I must be of interest to this particular doctor, because usually you have to wait months to get an appointment, but I'm going in so soon.

I admit mixed feelings. As per my last post, the RCH has not been a place of happy memories for me. This visit, I hope, will answer some of the hard questions I have in life. I've been searching for this potential answer for three and a half years and I've got my fingers crossed that this time I'll know. A specialist I saw a month or so ago wondered if I had a connective tissue disorder - meaning that my joints hyper extend more than normal. And they do hyper extend more than normal, physiotherapists always comment on how my knees do it and I'm sure I recall the physio at the RCH in 2008 checking out how many of my joints hyper extend. But how its taken them so long to question this, I don't know. Doctors!

And now for something completely different, I'm going to randomly change the subject [because that's definitely not something I do often]

I finished school for the year on Wednesday last week. I admit mixed feelings about this because being at home - with my family - does not appeal to me. It's not so bad at this time because I'm the only one at home. But my brother finishes school next week and my sister will be home shortly too and this promises some not so fun times. I'm actually really relaxed during the day but the moment they all come home I seize up, become hostile, get angry.

What does that tell you? Seriously, because I'm very confused.

- CG

Note to Self: Stop connecting the Dots

So here I am continuing to reflect on what has been and I'm thinking about the anti depressant the Royal Children's Hospital had me taking for a short time at the tail end of 2008. At the time I was experiencing pain in my achilles tendon and this was just as the other tendons and ligaments began to give way.

They told me that this med would a) help with the depression, b) stop the pain and c) help me sleep. I don't believe it helped with the depression but then it would depend who you ask (because what on Earth could I ever know about myself) but I know for sure it didn't help me sleep nor did it stop the pain.

At the time I took very little interest in this med, but now having googled it, I'm quite literally offended. What they were really implying in giving my this med was that I was experiencing phantom pain and that there was actually nothing wrong with my ankle, nor any other limb on my body.

They also tried various 'therapies' to get my brain to accept that I was imagining it all. Two years later, I'm very offended and put off. My experiences at the RCH have been anything but inspiring and I can't bring myself to support them. I'm sure they do great things for other kids, but for me, well I was loco. It sounds like I wasted my time you know?

And now I'm sorry I didn't listen to my counsellor of the time when she said "are you sure they're not lying to you?

- CG

I wish you all a long and happy life

I never really made peace with my grandfather's passing. I remember hearing that he'd died and I remember the suffering he endured and the suffering we, as his family, endured, but I never made peace, as such. Even now, some two and three quarter years later I still cry when I delve into it.

My grandfather, who I knew as Nonno and who's real name was Boris, was Croatian and was my Mum's Dad. He didn't like the Croatian work for 'grandfather' so he adopted the Italian version after spending some time there after escaping communist Croatia. When he came to Australia his trade became that of a builder and he worked on some of the greater structures in Victoria and Canberra. One building he helped build was the Monash Hospital. It was probably this occupation that brought on his sick and twisted death.

My favourite memories are of him and I doing jigsaw puzzles and going to the park that was just up up the street from their house. I liked to go on the swing and he pushed me. It took ages to complete the puzzles but they were always fun and satisfactory. Of course it changed as I got older, I didn't visit as much, we didn't do as many puzzles and we didn't really go to the park. Looking back on that now I'm sorry I didn't visit more, because I was ten when it all went down hill and I guess you could say I kind of feel like I was robbed. And I got totally ripped off as a far as grandfathers go. Grandpa Peter died when I was seven from bowel cancer and the hardest part of that was two years later medicine advanced to the point where he could have been saved. And my Nonno was disappearing as I turned ten. What kind of world is this?

Nonno started to forget things very gradually. At first people didn't really notice but in the space of just four years he was gone. I didn't understand for most of that four years what was happening so most of it went straight over my head. Mum and my grandmother (who we call Baba) knew and something I heard later was the time he forgot who Baba was. I don't think I'll ever hear anything that horrible, in that sense, ever again in my life (and I certainly hope that this remains the case). He forgot his own wife and that was very confronting.

He was diagnosed with Alzeihmers and Dementia. The type of dementia he had was Lewy Body Dementia and it was probably the worst one. He spent his last year and a bit in and out of hospital and in an awful nursing home. The nurses at the hospital always said he was young for a dementia patient, in his late 70's as this all unfolded. I only visited him once in hospital. It was July 2007. Mum says now that they should have let him die in that July when he was rushed to hospital with pneumonia. He died for a small amount of time and, I think, she is right because surely those eight extra months weren't worth it. I visited him a short time after this and it was so confronting I never went back. He was attached to an oxygen machine and his voice was different and people had to feed him because he'd forgotten he had to eat. I never went back after that. The last time I saw him alive was at the nursing home. I didn't know this at the time, but he didn't know me.

Mum told me much later he told the nurses he was proud of his grandchildren. He was always telling the nurses about us and as much as it makes me smile it also makes me sad. 

He returned to the hospital that final time after the nursing home failed to feed him, simply leaving the food in his room, which he promptly never ate. He lived out his final weeks in the Repat facility, which I hear is a truly awful place.

The day he died I wasn't sure I believed it. Dad had to leave us at Nonno's friends house so he could take Baba to say goodbye - Mum was already there. Baba didn't make it in time to see him alive. Mum didn't come home til late that night and I attended my weekly art class like it never happened. It was Friday the 7th of March 2008. 

I nearly didn't got to his funeral because I thought it would be too hard, but I went in the again. I did not attend the actual burial. I visit his grave at least once a year and I still feel sad and cry when I sit there and think about everything. 

I wouldn't talk to anyone about it and I still won't and even as I'm writing this I'm crying. But I felt like it was necessary because it needed to be said, written down. 

I still think it unfair that I lost him so soon. I still think it unfair that we didn't finish more puzzles or go to the park more and I'm sorry, so so sorry, he'll not be there when I graduate high school. 

What kind of world is the on we live in? We have cancer, tumours, dementia, alzheimers, poverty, famine, war, AIDS and so much more. I'm currently questioning my faith. People turn to God in situations like this and all I can do is think 'why?'.

My only solace is he never knew what was happening.

I wish you all a long and happy life

- CG

Justice

A friend of mine kindly took some pictures of him at Wodonga races on Tuesday. He ran sixth but it was very good to get a look at him again more than a year later. He's grown a lot and no longer races in tapes, which is excellent. I'm so glad to see him looking so well and to hear that he's still a hot head, which is just the way he was when he was mine.

Since Justice, I've had Hope, Mia, Toby and now Smoke. But none of them will be Justice. None of them centred me the way that insignificant horse did. I still hope to see him again one day. I still hope he'll recognise me.

- CG

What are friends?

I'm sad, right at this moment, because I feel like I just got a slap across the face.

"I don't have time for this right now. I'd much rather talk to you when your happier"

This is what my 'friend' just said to me. I was, of course, under the impression I could talk to this person. But wow, wasn't I wrong. They insinuated that this was all in my head, a wholly mental issue and I only have to force myself to happy. It doesn't work like that. It just doesn't. Don't you think that if I could snap my fingers and magically be happy again I would? I would you know. I'd snap my fingers in an instant. But life doesn't work that way. And why would it?

That would be all too helpful.

Depression isn't something you choose. It's debilitating and harsh. I do things I'm not proud of, say things I'm not proud of and sometimes I just don't do anything at all. But it's all just hilarious isn't it?

And this is exactly the reason I struggle to reach out to people, because most people, do not understand. And thus they give harsh judgments and treat me like a bad joke. I'm not a bad joke, but right now I'm feeling horribly alone and terribly misunderstood.

I've had a bad day for no apparent reason and I'm in that spot where I'll either explode in a fit of anger or burst spontaneously into tears. This has not helped, chemistry has not helped, my family is not helping. I still get the lecture for my nine-year-old sister's anxiety, I still get to clean up the messes other people make in my room, I still come home to an unstable place filled with yelling and unhappy feelings and I still would rather be at school than at home.

The whole situation was really summed up for me when the Kids Help Line counsellor conceded that I should just move out. I wish.

And I do. Other than that I just wish I didn't have to do this anymore. And I'm not going to lie, this will end with cuts.

I'm lost.

- CG

D'you Know What?

I don't know how best to explain things anymore. Do I give the cold truth, so I can be judged, or dress it up for sympathy?

I don't really want to garner sympathy, that being said. What good is the sympathy in the grand scheme of things? It's no good, simple as that.

So you'll all just have to deal with the cold truth, or walk away.

The problem is, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm making a mess of my forearm. One cut a week, but the scars are there for the long haul. And then there's trying to hide them. Too much work, but I do it anyway. And the kicker? No one says shit.

Let the good times roll on!

- CG

Fun Family Times

And I mean that with all the sarcasm possible. It isn't fun, it isn't even close. I don't even know why I'm here. Why am I in a place that leaves me feeling worthless? Answers? Anyone? No? Yeah, that's pretty much what I thought.

Just in case you haven't noticed yet, I'm not a mind reader. You have to ask if you want something done. Heard of that one? Asking? No?

I shouldn't even care. But I do. I should of just left months ago. But I didn't. I don't even know why. It's so weird. I don't know.

Did I ever know? Have I ever known? Probably not. I think I do want to know though, I think. I don't know. I hate me. I hate me so much. I can't get anything right, ever. I just screw everything up, ruin all my relationships and I don't even know how!

Destined to be alone. Apparently.

- CG

PS. Sorry for all the random crap. I feel shit

Am I looking for something that just doesn't exist?

I feel like I am. Does the happy, whole feeling I desire truly exist? Or do I need to be aided by anti depressants? If I have to be aided by meds, then I don't want it, because that's not true happiness. Is it? I feel, that if I have to take drugs to get through life, then I lose.

Maybe that's the wrong attitude to have, but it's my attitude and I guess you're just going to have to deal with it. I'm not saying the medications are wrong, I just don't like them for me. Seems a bit of a warped reality if I need to, effectively, have the meds to function. It's like being a drug addict only its condoned. [oh yes I did just go there!]

So I spent much of today drawing the same pattern in different school books and musing different things. I spend way too much time wondering how I got here. Why am I still here? How did this happen? Did I do something? How can I change that? Is it fixable? Am I stuck? Will it get better? Do I have to hurt like this? Is the hiding necessary? What about the lies? How many people do I need to hurt? How many scars will I have before it's a distant memory? Will I ever want to eat again? Will my body ever heal? Will I be incapacitated forever? For how much longer can I hold on before I finally let go?

So many questions, so little answers. For how long can I suffer before I slip right off the edge? It's kind of like I'm already hanging by a thread. Specially after last week. It's really hard to go on with it all after that. I can't pick myself up this time. I feel really down and I'm tired, so tired. The fighting really does it you know. You get tired and you pick fights with the people around you. And the people around start to get iffy around you and pretty soon you're no longer sure who is there for you and who is not.

I know a few people who are there for me, but I am still reluctant to bring this stuff up. They stop responding after awhile and you do feel like no one is listening, so you think twice about bringing it up again. And I feel really bad sometimes, because nobody ever knows what to say. What do you say?

"Oh hey, I'm thinking about killing myself tonight."
" :S"

Yeah, that's pretty much it. And it's the same deal for self harm, self esteem, body image etc etc. Who wants to be here anyway?

- CG

Lol

I'm not laughing or anything, but 'lol' is a word I like to hide behind. It gives the impression that I'm happy and attentive, which I am not. 

Deep inside I'm constantly revaluing myself and this vicious cycle will eventually do some major damage, if it hasn't already of course. 

All I really want to do now, is change this life for something new. After my dreaming, I woke with this fear, what am I leaving when I'm done here? When my time comes, please forget the wrong that I've done and don't resent me. I'm strong on the surface, but not all the way through, I've simply learnt to hide the hurt. 

The hardest part of ending is starting again.

- CG

And So I Breathe Another Day

I feel I should warn you all before you read this, because this is not a happy blog. This is a sad blog that is triggering and something you shouldn't read if you are feeling significantly happy. This blog entry is very raw because it is a true account of what happened. If you continue to do so, you did so by your own free will and I don't want to hear anything of it. Because you chose to read this.


Hugs to all of you



I'm not happy. I cut myself. I decided I wanted to die last night.

Evidently, I didn't go through with it last night. I'm not really sure why, probably because its different holding nurofen and holding a drug you know will kill you. Probably because I'm gutless or just too strong.

And I got on with life today. Resilience. I don't want it anymore. Just want to lie down and stay down for awhile, not have to deal with things. Because dealing with things is not something I want to do right now. Right now I want to look after me. And after that, I think school and relationships will be important. But that is not how things are working out, as they never work out they way I want them to. School and relationships come before me, I have to plug away for everyone around me, because it wouldn't be fair if just one day I ceased to exist.

I did spend a lot of time questioning. Questioning who would notice. Would it take them a week, maybe two? Would they notice because my tumblr went dead or because I ceased to update my status on Facebook or go online on msn. Would I be missed because I stopped posting racing photos or silly facts, or because of who I was? What would people remember about me? Would they remember the depressed kid with the suss scars on her arm or someone they had good times with? I can't answer these questions. I was assured it would be noticed. But how soon would anyone know if I didn't talk to anyone, air my thoughts, my fears, my feelings?

And so I went to school and no one was the wiser. I was tired, maybe a bit grumpy, but otherwise normal. No one was to know. But when I say no one, I mean no one at school because two people did know. And these two people are two people I think the world of, two people who I cannot thank enough. Two people who thought they were losing me and lost hours talking me down. I was sure it was over, but I was wrong. I'm not glad I was wrong right now, but I'm sure I will be in the future, maybe.

I actually wrote lengthy letters to the people who came to mind last night. So for anyone who thinks I wasn't all that serious about it, I kind of was. It took me ages between the tears and the almost constant exchange of texts. I wrote that I loved these people and that this was not their fault. It really kind of was, but you can't write that in these letters. I wrote about the good times, and I wrote about what I liked about them. I told them all to never change and to never give up. And I meant every word.

Despite the things I say sometimes, I love each of you.

And then I had the tablets. As I mentioned earlier, it is very different when you hold a relatively harmless drug and one you know will kill you. When you hold the killer, your life is in the balance, and you think about everything. And I mean everything. I thought about the things I would have done today. The people I wouldn't have spoken to. The people I would never meet. Who I regretted not getting to know better and the relationships I regretted never fixing. I thought about all the people who hurt me, and I sincerely hoped they suffered. I sincerely hoped a lot of people suffered, everyone who made me suffer, deserved to suffer. I thought about the people who didn't deserve to suffer, and I knew that they would suffer too. The people I never said goodbye to, I thought about them. I thought about the people I did say goodbye to. I thought about next week, I thought about 'my' horses, the ones I'll never get to strap. How I'd never swim Bruce again. How the stable would never see me again. How I wouldn't be in pain anymore, how I wouldn't be the one suffering. How I would have finally done something purely selfish, for the most selfish of reasons.

And I couldn't do it.

There were no more tears, I added one new cut and I went to sleep.

Where does this leave me? Right now, I'm empty and somewhat confused. Empty because I caved and confused because I don't know what to do next. What do you do next? There won't be any professional help, no hospital visits, no trips to the doctors.

Where do I go from here? Well, on the advice of a teacher who has no idea of the depth of my issues, I will *try* to take it one day at a time. I don't think I can, but that is my current principle.

Remind me from time to time when you see me around.

- CG

No One Actually Listens

You know, I thought I was having trouble with the 'why', but now I know exactly why.

It's because no one cares. So don't you all comment and go "oh we do care" because I don't think you do. I don't think anyone does.

They all said that I could talk to them about anything, anytime and now, when I try to talk to them, they change the subject. Thanks, I'm glad I mean so much. I was even told they'd never let me go again and gee, look what happened. But I don't know why I ever expected anything different. After everything I've been through, how could I have ever expected anything more? Is this what I get for putting my faith in humanity. I hope not, because I'm a bit shattered.

And it's not even just when I want to talk, it seems the lately anything I say is pretty much not heard. But that's okay you know.

So who are my friends then? I don't know anymore, I really don't know.

"ehh who knows, we're actors to fates stage, we dont get to choose our roles, we just get landed with the shit"

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

Gah.

I've always hated shopping for clothes. The whole experience just leaves me feeling ugly and useless. My butt is big, my waist is small and my boobs are huge. Now, let's find a dress that fits!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

It's the most horrendous experience anyone with body image issues can go through. It doesn't matter what I do, how little I eat, how much I exercise, I just don't look the way I want to. It's not fair. I quite literally hate all the women who look good and are happy with themselves. They have no idea what they have.

- CG

It really isn't my fault and at best I'll accept partial blame

So my grandma told my Mum at age seven that she wished Mum had never been born.

And alas, the plot thickens.

I wish she'd stop blaming me for the way my sister is turning out. I'm insecure so of course I'm going to lash out, but why would that matter? It doesn't apparently. After years of torment because of the acne you can't control, your confidence flies out the window. It was kind of this time last year that it really cleared up and looked good. Finally after years the meds were helping and I didn't break out, the scars were minimal, my face wasn't lumpy. I could safely say I was actually pretty happy with how it was all looking.

But naturally things went wrong, couldn't take that med anymore, cysts galore and thus I've broken out again and it's hideous and I feel ugly. So when my sister says things like "I'm getting pimples from you!", you die a little inside. And when you die a little inside you have to compensate with something else, and apparently for me it seems to be my weight and my hair. I do not cope with messy, greasy hair. It has to be neat and clean at all times. So I do it. I also eat less then I used to. Funny how people don't quite notice.

But why would they? It's like asking them whether or not I self harm. If I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know.

So do I want the help or not? I don't know. I just want to leave. After tonight I'm getting half desperate and stressed. I'm sure running on three hours of sleep isn't helping, but seeing as I'm too hollow to sleep at present, there isn't a whole lot for me to do.

We played the family blame game again tonight. Mum just blames me and my brother for everything and naturally we don't get rite of reply and just have to swallow the crap she says to us. Which is hard, very hard. Specially when she can't see that she's at fault too.

She'll never know.

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

A series of pointless kind of funny observations

It's kind of funny how people go from not talking to you at all, and much less acknowledging your existence, to having a laugh with you like it never happened. Frankly, I'm amazed. Kind of liking it, but nonetheless amazed.

It's also kind of funny how that group have broken up. I shouldn't laugh, but I will because schadenfreude is great.

I had an pretty good weekend. You are reading the blog of a premiership winning soccer team captain. We won 8 - 3, which was super. Furthermore my knee didn't give way underneath me, so it was super fantastic.

And yet today is Monday. Monday means school. I hate school. I shouldn't, but I do. I don't put in the necessary effort to justify the results I get. Kind of makes you wonder no? I mean, some people spend hours on their work. I spend five minutes and get similar results

Weird.

It's kind of funny how I wish I didn't have a good head on my shoulders. I don't like knowing. Knowing brings  pressure. You're always the first person people look at when they need answers. [When did I become so approachable!?] I wish I didn't understand. If I didn't understand surely this wouldn't hurt so much. If I didn't understand I wouldn't spend hours beating myself up because I know it's wrong and I know I shouldn't do it because I know the consequences.

Yet I do it anyway?

Because I know that I have to do it? I don't think I know that, but I understand it. Other people don't, they can never, not if they don't do it. But I understand it. And so I do it.

It's kind of funny how that is the quite possibly the strangest logic I've ever used on myself. I re-read it a few times and it kind of only just makes sense, to me. But, it's thinking at least. Something I don't do a lot of anymore. No time. Only school, school work, more school.

It's kind of funny that I'm still here. I'm off the planet, but I'm still here. I don't think I want to be anymore. But what do I do about? Nothing. Like always, I'll do nothing.

It's kind of funny how this is probably the most pointless piece of writing I've ever done. If any of the above makes sense to you, congratulations, you deserve cookies!

- CG

Do you think we'll ever be as close as we used to be?

And then it hit me. I'm withdrawing from people. A close friend of mine said to me the other night "Do you think we'll ever be as close as we used to be? Will I mean as much as I did to you again?" I didn't know what to say to him. I said as much and the conversation awkwardly died away. We've not spoken since and I don't think we'll talk again any time soon.

But I can't stop thinking about it. And the more I think about it, the more I realise that I am indeed withdrawing from people. I didn't even notice. But it's true. I don't tell my friends when things are bad. They just learn to keep their distance, to leave me alone.

I tell myself, there's nothing to talk about. But there is, it's just raging round my head and not getting out.

It really just bothers me now that I've realised how I've withdrawn. I've just gone. But is it just me withdrawing or are they letting go? I don't talk, but they don't ask either. I think they are letting me go to various degrees. It seems to be enough for them to just see me around, that my thing comes up as online on MSN, that I post a status on Facebook.

I will never endeavour to talk now because I've burnt just one time too many. If you care, take me aside and ask me. Otherwise I guess you'll never really know the true extent of any of it. Sure, what I post here is nothing but honesty and more than I'll ever say using my real name, but it is never everything that's happening. There just aren't the words for that.

I only really will talk honestly about everything with one person, and even now I can't talk to them

I'm still cutting. Not disappointed anymore. There's no point. Because if I sit around being disappointed by that, than I'm just going to be disappointed in everything. Because watching they way my life is unfolding, I have to say I'm very disappointed.

But how could I have expected anything remotely joyful when we are, after all, born to die? I don't see it getting better. I'm just blindly hacking through each day because I couldn't go through with suicide. I'm not thinking about everyone else, I'm technically just being selfish.

So I'll just hack away at myself until it becomes sort of meaningless or I run out of hideable skin, whichever comes first. So I only get minutes of relief, sometimes there's none at all. I just want to do it. That's addiction. You always think 'it'll just be a little one' but you never stop there. It's never enough. Sometimes you cut deep, but you learn to dress your own wounds. And then there's the shame, so you don't tell anyone. You hide them under layers of clothing, layers of bandages, tissues, anything to pad the pain. You don't want people to touch you because you don't want them to see that cringe, the flinch, the slight admission that you're hiding something.

The scars mean nothing. I'll never stop wearing t-shirts. The fresh cuts are bothersome, but I won't stop doing it.

It's a cruel cycle. One I don't know how to change.

- CG

It's the best friend I never wanted

Yes, self harm - the best friend I never wanted.

Did you know: I was one month and three days cut free.

But not anymore. It just got too much and oh look, relapse. I'm actually really disappointed in myself, which is not new. So it's almost certain that I'll do it again. Which is sad I think, but I'm inclined to believe there is no better option. People always insist there is but always are at a loss to elaborate.

Is it an addiction? Sometimes I think it is. I won't elaborate too much because no one wants to read that, but sometimes I just have to do it...

Anyway, that's my short little dissection done.

Bye for now but not forever,
- CG

Too Late

Life as I know it, is not really life at all. It's just a whole lot of despair, pain and loneliness. I'm not excited or happy or even remotely peaceful. I'm just a mangled, chaotic mess.

When the sun rises in the morning I have no desire to rise with it. I have no desire to face the day. I don't want it. I don't want to mix with people, associate with them. I don't hate them, I just don't want to be apart of it. I want to sit at home, sleep and do nothing.

I know there are people in the world who are worse off than be, but I can't help but feel like I've been hard done by. I have a mental illness. Even when things are good, I can't help but pick out the bad. It's all bad for me, that's how I perceive things. I literally need someone to point out the good for me because I don't see it. How screwed up is that? I feel all confused and lost, like its all pointless and totally meaningless. I'm deeply unhappy, but content pretending. Pretending means people don't ask questions, they don't probe, I don't have to explain anything.

Of course people know, but they don't ask unless my behaviour warrants it. But when my behaviour warrants it, I never want to talk. When I'm cutting myself, I'm not seeking therapy, just a temporary outlet. When I'm crying, it's too much and something had to give. I need space, time to regroup, overhaul my armour, work out the chinks. When I'm angry, I've had enough.

So when do I talk? I don't. I want help, but I'm scared. Even if you do fix what's going on mentally, I'm still a physical train wreck. And with all that pain constantly exhibiting its prowess, how can I even begin to heal my mental state? They're hand in hand. I can't remember a time where they haven't been there, showing who's boss.

Am I a waste of time? I'm beginning to think so. The people who truly know me only delay the inevitable. They can't save me. My solace is the horses, but here I am sitting in school instead. They can't save me. I'm too far gone. No medication in this world will bring me back.

Too mangled.

Too scarred.

Too ugly.

Too lost.

Too confused.

Too mangled.

Too much.

I'd sit here and be suicidal, but I'm too scared to do it. I just know that the person I was is gone. Now I don't know me. Just my feelings. I am so intimate with my feelings.

Life is not a wonderful thing.

- CG

Blah...

Life sucks.

There's nothing else to say for it, it just sucks. It lets you start feeling better then it knocks you down again. Sometimes it doesn't even wait, it just keeps on hurling things at you until you don't get out of bed anymore. Which is what essentially happened last week. I conveniently got sick again last week. Milked it for all it was worth. I don't want to get up in the morning and face a day at school. No one wants that.

See, usually, as much as I moan about it, I always manage to round up the motivation to show up and get stuff done. Last week, there was none of that. Couldn't get up. When I did get up, I was too tired to function normally. So fair enough the virus plays a part in all of this, but in the past I'll have had to have been on my death bed to take a day off, but this time, nope, straight away, I'm staying home.

Alarm bells anyone?

Oh well, back to school bright and early Monday morning [thank you Chrome, I've now learnt that days of the week require capital letters]. Kill me now. Please?

And in other news, I've upset my stupid ACL again. Life is just average. It's going to just rupture one day. And I say GOOD.

Anyway,

Bye for now but not forever,
- CG

Lost in the Realm of 'I Don't Care Enough Anymore'

Care about what?

Everything.

It's like, why? I see no gain so no, no I do not want to do it, try it, even look at it. I'm not being lazy this time - I just don't care. 

I was sitting in school today, doing nothing apparently. Well nothing constructive anyway because I am a very distracted person today. My maths teacher went into lecture mode because we all disrespect her because we don't bring our homework or even bother doing it, lose our handouts, forget our calculators, books, utensils... and that's if we show up at all. Which is fair enough and very true of some people in the class, but for those of us who show up with all our things, homework done and do try to care, its quite painful to be made to feel like you've done something wrong.

I hate that. I do. So I give up caring in that department. 

And then there was Food Tech. Oh yes, wonderful, fun Food Tech. [I'm hoping the sarcasm intended gets across okay, if not IT IS SARCASM]. Today we cooked cheese soufflé's. And despite burning the frozen pizza and incurring a burn while doing so, I successfully cooked a soufflé. Did I feel cool? Hah, no. I felt ridiculous because I was one of two people left in the class trying to clean up while their partner kind of stood there uselessly while the teacher made snide the remark "Hurry up. I'd like lunch too". Like I want to be in that damned class. Just let me out and have my lunch. Never understood why I had to clean up the mess the class before me always leaves. 

Not that I can comment or anything.

So I had no lunch time. Science was last and its needless to say nothing good was achieved there. Just a whole lot of "Lilian"'s being scrawled all over Lili's page. VCE Music will never be boring again... Hahaha.

And on top of actually going to school I'm still sick. And by the way, I did work out why I'm so tired - it's because I'm sick. And all of last week I didn't get a night's sleep where I actually slept through the night. It was like torture! I can't believe I ever functioned on less the 4 hours of sleep a night. What kind of madwoman...

It doesn't matter anyway, because I don't care! 

It just seems hollow, like it shouldn't be reality. Oh how I wish it wasn't my reality. I'm seeing like three different fonts in this editor screen, so I don't know if it'll look funny once I post this. If it's all uniform, ignore the comment. Just exemplifying my distractedness.

So now that I'm sitting here, telling myself I don't care and kinda feeling like I don't care, I have reached the conclusion that I do in fact care. Because if I didn't I wouldn't have wasted all this time telling you about it. Yes you, my poor unfortunate readership. How you guys read this garble I'll never understand. Reading over my old posts makes me shudder you know. I just can't help but think "jeez I'm a whingy kid..." Anyway. I'm going to go and not do the homework I care so much about. [I always do my homework, I just don't do it as well as I could. Same goes for assignments and essays. Sorry teachers, I just seriously do not care.]

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

Note to Self: Burns Hurt. A Lot.

Yes, they do. And how did this happen you ask? Well, lets just say I had a very slight incident with a very hot pizza tray. It isn't a bad burn, in fact its not worse than any cut I could inflict upon myself. I just thought it was random enough to share with my considerable readership (hahaha! I make myself laugh).

And now that you've been informed, I shall leave you.

- CG

Just Let Me Fade Away

I'm tired, and crabby and I hate life. I.Hate.Life. It's just so cruel and horrible and so mean. It's not fair. I want to cry and cry and cry. I just want to be happy but I can't even have that. It's all just fighting all the damn time and its so not fair. I'm not a disrespectful mole, or a stupid fucking child, or a lazy fucking child, a dumb fucking child or an ungrateful fucking child. I'm not any sort of fucking child and I resent all those comments and names and they wouldn't even know it!

Oh know! my 9yo sister grinds her teeth in her sleep due to anxiety... She says its because she doesn't feel safe at home. Gee, I wonder why!? Think the constant fighting might have anything to do with this? Nah, of course not. Naturally its my fault for being a dumb bitch and a terrible sister. They're totally blameless, but then I should expect that now. Nothing's changed in years and its never going to change. We can barely live in a whole house together, how are we going to do two-three months in half a house? I don't think I will be able to do it and if I don't cut myself to shreds before its over then I don't know what else will happen. I can't even find somewhere alternative to live for a bit.

It's all just so UGH.

And all that stuff with that girl, she's just so awful. So unbelievably mean. Posting lies all over her Facebook page, all weekend. Facebook is nothing but trouble. I freakin' hate it! But I can't delete it. I only ever got it to keep up with my friends outside of school, mostly in the racing industry. Somehow it became a school thing too. But most of my school friend's are gone now. Possibly the best thing I've ever done. I'm sure they'll all hate me for it, but I just want to hide. I go to school five days a week, excuse me for wanting a life of my own once I get home.

I'm all over the joint, so confused, contemplative, upset, lonely, sad, distressed, out of place, different, unhappy, lost... Who am I? Why am I here? What am I to do with all of this? Not to mention the massive amount of pain I'm in. I've been nursing my wrist since Saturday, my left knee is a wreck and even my elbow hurts. I wake up in the mornings with a headache and feel like I haven't slept. Just so tired. Exhausted. Weak.

I'm a mess! I hate my life, I hate myself and I can't even get away from it all for two seconds because something or someone always reminds me about it and then it all comes rushing back. And I just hurt all over again. And it sucks, and its awful and please, please just make it end! I can't even make it end myself because I don't have it in me to do something like that. So whether its inner strength or just plain fear, I don't know. Stupid mindless drive. GO AWAY! I don't want to get up and so this anymore.

I'm just so tired and over it and hurting. I hurt so much. Please, just let me fade away...

- CG

Some Good Days

So, I've actually had a couple of good days. And I'm going to share because I feel its necessary to break up all the bad stuff I've been posting.

I missed school on Friday to take one of my favourite horses at work to the races. I was a bit nervous because it was the first time I'd strapped for the new place, but Mea behaved herself, generally, and ran second. She came home like a train, it was really exciting. Then because no one could pick me up when we got back from the races, I hung around for a bit and helped out with the afternoon shift - meaning I got to walk my over favourite horse - Toby (aka Bruce, whatever). He was in a silly mood and there was an incident at the pool which set him right off and well, I may have lost him.

But its okay! Someone caught him for me and he didn't get very far. I just like him more now - he's presented a challenge and I will win. No one else likes him anyway, and I figure someone has to give him some sort of attention.

And today, I went to the races. Caught up with my good mate Jacinta and we had a grouse time. Took lots of photos and such, wandered round, said hi to lots of people. An all round good day. There was also two explosions at work this morning. All the track lights went out suddenly at day break then BOOM first light goes. Couple of seconds elapse and BOOM goes the second light. We're glad it stopped at the second light because the horses weren't loving the sound.

So I've had an all round good couple of days and am looking forward to a nice long sleep tonight!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG

-head desk-

What'd I do!?

I feel this is a fair enough question. All these things keep happening, and show no signs of improving. GRR LIFE.  GRRRRRR.

You know that girl I'm currently hating on? Well she's decided to inform everyone I kicked her. This is obviously not true. And no, I don't know where she got the bruise on her leg from. If you want my opinion (and too bad, you're getting it anyway) she probably gave it to herself to provide authenticity. She's spent this week posting an array of crap on her Facebook page and what I love about her Facebook page is she neglects to enforce any sort of privacy - so I can see it all and comment. Not that I do. How dumb do you think I am?

I get shit at home.
I get shit at school.

WHY!?

-head desk-

At what point does it get better? I'm tired. MAKE IT BETTER.... please?

- CG

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

First-

I had a right go at her. And was later informed she cried. That's all I really wanted. So now she knows how I feel. Awesome!

Now-

After last night's epic breakdown (Mum and Dad's epic breakdown, not mine) I've pretty much decided its time to go. The environment is not peaceful and hasn't been for a long, long time. I hate school, and I'd rather be there then at home. If that doesn't convey my feelings, then what does?

It's not permanent, no way. But its definitely time to do something. I've contemplated this for awhile now but it wasn't even a real option until tonight when I realised that I'm actually of legal age to move out. So lets muse a bit.

I couldn't move in with relatives, that's insane and I would go insane. Besides my Grandma isn't the way she used to be and my cousins, aunt and uncle all live way too far out. I could always try someone from work, but again that's kind of cross town. But more doable then the relatives. However, I need to get to school. School is the real big problem here. It'd be so much easier if I just didn't go - but that is simply not an option. I have an income, so its all good there. And the cops can't make me go home without a court order, so... I'm fairly sure this is the right thing to do. And as I said, its not a forever deal.

I just need somewhere to go.

...watches her ideas crash and burn...


I'm not crazy either, just by the way.  I was talking to a KHL counsellor and they seemed to agree with me. I'm just doing myself more damage by staying here and now that I know what my family thinks and all, I'd say its time to go.

So yeah. Not as deep as I thought it would be, but hey! Sort of outlines it all no doubt.

Bye for now but not forever,
- CG

The Gutless Wonder

WARNING: this blog post contains a pointless rage about a situation that should never have happened. If you don't want to read it, don't. Do not track me down and hit me of give me any sort of lecture because I make NO APOLOGIES for having feelings. Besides, you chose to read it.

Okay.

Oh.My.God.

Yes, I did just bring God into this, I'm only half apologetic for that, but being catholic and all I feel like I have some sort of right to say that. Shut up CG, this is not a humorous post!

So there's this girl at school. And she seems hell bent on starting some fight with me that I so obviously don't want to have. In May she tried to start something the first time. It started on Facebook and she lied to me about the Facebook status so when I found it I was pissed. It was so obviously about me, and the remarks were callous. So maybe I had an emo moment and cut myself at the point. Never again over her, never again. That very same afternoon she sent me a series of text messages and this continued on for a week. At first it was kind of funny, but it just got more and more ridiculous and she made a pretty serious allegation and I had had enough. Logged everything in a Word doc. and gave it all the the school.

I was apologised to, via text message. Nothing to my face. She couldn't look me in the eye. She couldn't look at me at all. You tell me who won this round of cyber bullying and I didn't even have to be rude!

Its August now. And on Friday she actually said something to me. Could of knocked me over with a feather. I was looking for a mutual friend who was incidentally spending the night at my house and she opted to make a helpful suggestion. Which was nice.

We're at my house. And my friend starts getting messages from her. She's got this new sympathy fishing scenario happening and frankly, after everything that's happened, I just don't know what to believe. So I'm reading these messages over my friend's shoulder and pretty quickly this girl works out that I'm reading these messages, so she starts directing them at me. She tried to do two things. Bully/threaten me and turn this friend on me. She failed, badly. 

I'm tired of her shit, frankly. She bangs on about giving me a second chance when she obviously hasn't, how her apologies were crap because she was "forced to make them". It's just ridiculous. [insert an insane amount of profanities here] I can't believe I just used that word, profanities....

It just shits me. How people do this to me. And how life likes to kick me really hard when I'm down.

And lets face it. Not talking to me and messaging me instead is one thing, but doing it to someone else's phone. Eat some concrete and harden the fuck up.

I'm going to go sit back in reality where I'm a "useless dumb fucking child" and just enjoy being hated. Right on!

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

S'like, I just, don't know?

You know, I haven't felt like this in ages. I want to cry all the time. I don't cry. I rarely cry. But I want to cry all the time at the moment. WHY!? And I'm lethargic and grumpy in the mornings. Don't want to do anything. Be anything. Have anything.

Blah.

I'm not hungry either. No, that's wrong. I'm hungry, sort of. I just have no desire to eat. Food just isn't appealing to me. So its kind of really quite cruel.

And counselling. I don't like her. I'm not going back. End of story.

Okay. That's it. I had so much more to say, but now its all gone.

Bye for now, but not forever,
- CG

Today.

Today is many things. And an all round awful day.

But lets talk about Justice.

Justice, the horse who changed me. Who quite possibly saved me. You know it was a year ago today that I last laid a hand on him? It was a year ago today that I took him to the races and strapped him that first and only time. A year ago that I said goodbye. It feels like a lifetime ago, you know. But I'll never forget what one neurotic, inadequate racehorse did for me. The way he hung his head over the stall door waiting. He was always in a hurry that horse, never interested in a leisurely walk. Being with him was easily the highlight of my week. The human animal bond is something strange but wondrous. How we connect, how we recognise, how we know.

It broke my heart to walk away that cold afternoon. I spoilt him one last time, let him pick at the grass. Rugged him, hugged him and then it was all over.

I wonder about him sometimes, often. Whether he's found a new friend. Whether he's injured. Whether the world has simply given up.

It's my dream to see him again. Deep down I'm clinging to that silly little hope.

In a time before his career was doomed

Now lets talk about the rest of today. Want to hear about my day? Too bad you don't get a choice.

So this morning, before I'd even walked out the door to go to school, there were three family fights. I open my locker upon arriving to school and realise I've left all my maths books and my calculator on my floor at home. Then, being in an environment where socialising is key, I socialise like the sheep I so often pretend to be. Then Food Tech sucked. I hate Food Tech. Go die Food Tech, go die. The teacher is a mole and the students are dumb. Then its home time, and I've so been looking forward to this so I can go home and just be away from it all for a couple of hours until people come home. I trudge down the corridor tired, exhausted, resentful, hate filled. English teachers sees me, and he knows me. So he wants to know what's wrong. 

I've reached that point where there are just no words. So just let me be? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What a hysterically laughable suggestion that is. He was dead set determined to drag it out of me. You can guess what happened yeah? He made me cry. I kept telling myself "you are not going to cry" but it happened anyway. And I am not a crier. So it was intensely frustrating. Crying is something I do late at night when I'm alone, not in front of people. But hey, apparently I'm no longer writing this story. 

So now that I've been rail roaded into seeing the school counsellor... I was just too tired and too upset to argue my way out of this one. So please please please, can there be no space tomorrow. PLEASE!? If there is a God.... No, I'm not going there. That's low.

I so just wanted to go to sleep when I got home. But instead I had half a religion essay (who writes essays in RE!? WHO!?) to write and maths and some other stuff I obviously haven't done. Oh that's right, Food Tech. Screw that test. Bleh. 

You'll be glad to know that my maths is one third completed, and that I have drafted the introduction and two thirds of my first paragraph for my essay. Yay for me.

So yeah, bleh.

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

Only a Fool Spends this much Time on the Great Gatsby!

And unfortunately I'm one of those fools. And what's so great about Gatsby? He's a bootlegger. Ooooooh, rebel. If this is one of America's greatest pieces of literature, I'm scared to read the other, um, 'greats'. Thank you English Literature task, thank you. Though, I have realised that my note taking is exceptionally odd. I create little mind maps all over the page and just branch and branch and branch until it appears to look like an intricate lot of spider webs.

Me? Weird? Never.

In the spirit of being me, here's a random subject change!

The Joker.

I never quite realised the full extent of this super villain's awesomeness! He is truly something extraordinary, there's simply no denying it. And whom do I have to thank for this chance to read into the Joker's exploits. My English class. I'm making a bold attempt at humanising him so we all feel sorry for him. Why don't we feel sorry for someone with a permanent smile and green hair who is relentlessly chased by some wannabe vigilante? Too far? Oh well. It's a fun assessment task and I never say that about school work!

-insert random subject change-

Not that its completely random... but I have this friend Alice who has the obsession with keytars. She tells me she's going to buy one and that no one could resist a band featuring a keytar and a ukulele.

While we're talking about Alice, I have a message for her...

ALICE!

I am insanely jealous of your wardrobe! I don't have anywhere like that to hide in my house. I just leave.

Speaking of leaving. I'm thinking about it. It's not normal the amount of fighting that happens in this house. It just goes on and on and on and on... Endlessly. I don't care what you say, I'm not a 'stupid fucking child' nor a 'lazy so and so' nor a 'fucking bitch' or anything else. The only person who says those things about me, is me. The only person that gets to hate me, IS ME. So there.

Yep.

My current regret? Choice of blade. That's it.

Bye for now but not forever,
- CG

Promise I'm Back For Good

Cheers to you if you end up reading this. I've become really, really inconsistent. But I promise I'm here to stay now. Notice I made the blog all pretty and new?

Just because I feel like informing you all... I have yet another new job. Yes, in the stables again. I think I'll be at this one for a long while. Been there since May and loving it.

It's kind of nice being back here. Having my space. My hard copy journal is cool but this is cool too. Bit more freedom with the decoration and such... Okay, okay! Enough.

And now, because you all love me so much you get to listen to me whinge! I'm kidding, you don't have to read it, consider this your warning.

Okay?

I think that hate is one of the most overused words in the English language, but I feel it applies here. I hate my family. I hate that its all double standards. I hate the fighting. I hate the name calling. I hate the use of weapons. I hate the obsessions. I have the fear. I hate feeling like I live in a war zone.

I think I just plain hate being around them altogether. And I'm not the sort of person who has lots and lots of friends and can go out all day and all night. Not just that, but I'm shy too and I just get tired out all to easily. So I stick around and just allow things to get worse. But what else can I do? If I can't leave, can't hide, can no longer just sit there and take it... all there is to do is fight back. Which is not ideal. Because once one person gets yelling, we all get yelling. It's not an ideal environment.

Everyone's just stressed all the time.

It sucks. I don't know what to do. No one has any answers. You know, its all just "deal.with.it"

Right.

Bye for now, but not forever (promise!)
- CG

Another Day in the Realm of Lost Feelings and Confusion

So yeah. Title pretty much says it all I think. The feelings are suffocating, strong and demanding. They demand your full attention. And its not something I want to spend three hundred words on, because I really need to stop thinking about all that, because it is truly self defeating. So, moving on.

I spend last night raiding my dad's itunes collection. I think his music is fantastic. And it was an awesome distracton, so some 245 songs later I'm feeling pretty good about my playlist. INXS is very, very cool. They were great. Not so keen on the 'new' INXS, but the old one was good. R.E.M, Radiohead. I feel like I missed out. I'm stuck with all this dance/tekno stuff, and its not so cool.. in my opinion of course.

And my previously mentioned friend Jacinta and I, have pretty much planned our lives out of school (another epic distraction). So essentially, we're going to go to the races a lot and hang out heaps. We're going to be living the life apparently.

That's all for now!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG

PS. Yet another of my friends would like a shoutout so Laura, hey! I hope your trip is going well. Wow, it feels like I've known you forever now - year seven was such a long time ago. By the way... check out her blog

So... I'm not sure how this happened

Okay, so you're all probably going 'what the...' but I can assure you I have an excellent explanation for posting this image. This is so you can all understand what is so confusing about my elbow injury!

I was sitting up last night, you know - not sleeping, and decided to learn something. So, my ulnar nerve is inflammed, and as you can imagine that would really piss off my ulnar collateral ligament, which totally explains the pain in that part of my elbow. And because my tendons are usually just dodgy, and it doesn't take a whole lot to upset them, my biceps tendon is obviously upset too, which explains further pain. Attached to my ulna is my flexor muscle, and its upset because the nerve runs through it. Attached to my radius is my extensor muscle which is upset because not only is a pissed off ulnar collateral ligament attached to it, so is a sore biceps tendon. So, now that you're sort of hopefully following, care to join me in wondering how throwing a tennis ball caused this much damage?

And as if that wasn't enough, they've also found a 4cm cyst in my left ovary. Not to mention the PCOS is my right. Life is good right? Everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. Now I'm just waiting for the stable to inform me that I'm unemployed again. I have no doubt that tonight will not be any different to other nights, and that means more cuts. I'm sure the cycle will end soon. In the meantime, life is great and I'm living the lie.

And I still have homework that needs doing. Not that its looking like that will ever happen.

Well, I'm off to the races tomorrow so that should be good. You know, photos and all.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG

PS. Another of my friends has demanded a shoutout. So here it is. Hi Jacinta, just thought you deserved the following paragraph because you are awesome. Yes, you are awesome. And I know you're going to read this and think of a million ways to tell me that you are not awesome and I infact am the awesome one, but just shut up and believe you are awesome because its true. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't met you, so our friendship better bloody last.

Look! Two Days in a Row!!!

Are you excited? I'm excited.

So, thankyou to some fool sending me two blank text messages my day started at 10.30am, which is two hours earlier than I'd have liked. I also made the mature decision to do my holiday homework and not play pokemon. However I may have ended up on facebook and not doing homework, but I do believe it is the effort that counts! So yes, sadly I have been sitting online since about 10.40am this morning, and I will more than likely still be here at 10pm tonight.

Now what I forgot to mention yesterday was I had an update on my tendon saga. No, nothing has actually healed yet - and more to the point my ankle has been quite bad of late - but I have injured yet another joint. This time its my right elbow. The whole joint just aches a whole lot, muscle pains, tendon pains and lets throw in an inflammed nerve because apparently there's one of those too. Now, this would probably be fine if my body hadn't build up a tolerance for painkillers. They have no effect whatsoever unless I take ten of them, and we all know thats not safe. And incase you're wondering, no I do not have a deathwish at this point in time. I can now say, that I officially hate the sight of sports tape. I hate it. And I'm sick of using it. Never injure yourself. Its crap.

I can also tell you that things are looking a darnsight worse at the moment. Because all I've had to eat today has been an apple and a slice of cake. Yes, that is all. So its looking like I'm about to drop all the weight I've managed to stack back on. Really life? More shit?

And I'm still harming. I forget how many days, but its been well over two weeks now. Haven't missed a day.

Such is life I suppose..

Bye for now and not forever,
- the original CG

PS. Special shoutout to my friend Lily, because she whined yesterday about the lack of a mention. Happy now?

Like, Wow

My God,

It feels like forever since I last updated this. Who am I kidding it has been forever. When did I last update? Like december, and now its what, april? So so much has happened since I last wrote. Where to start....

Well, I left the stables for starters. They weren't giving me the time of day, so I was like 'eh, time for a new job'. Which I did get by the way, and that was a pretty lame attempt. I did great at getting the job, but they didn't even like me from the very first moment I started. And, well, I didn't realise sweeping required a certificate to do.... "you need to sweep with a purpose" and "it's not about how slow you can go".... Seriously? Needless to say that job lasted a day. Yes, you read that correctly, a day. And my final act of revenge? I didn't tell them I quit, which I think was evened out with the fact that I never saw any money for that one day of torture.
And then there was the awkward moment where I lead out another stables horse at the races, right past them... Never been so embarassed or freaked out in my life. But its over now. Phew.

And I enjoyed a wonderful eight week holiday. Not that it was particularly awesome, because you know, being me and all entails some sort of mental breakdown at some stage... And it happened. At 3am. Thankfully. I've been harming too, but thats a seperate and touchy issue, so we'll leave that for another time.

You know, I'd almost liken self harm to a fist fight. Two sides hitting eachother. Only when you fight yourself, you can only hit yourself. Hows that for helping people understand?

And then there was going back to school. That was such a complex thing for me. My former friends just stopped talking to me, and even now they just like right through me like I don't exsist. Do you know what its like to be invisible. So I worried about that, going back to school. And then there was the slight issue of there no longer being any teachers who knew me at school. That was the scariest part for me. I hadn't felt that alone for quite some time. But my fears amounted to very little, as I said, said group ignores me and I've found some much nicer friends. And I've befriended (if you like) a new teacher.

But that thing with school is, I just can't make myself care. I know I'm good academically, but getting me to do stuff is another matter altogether. I tell teachers to get stuffed, and they leave me alone. Hardly ideal, but thats my life. And I couldn't quite settle in the entire length of term one. I still haven't. It's, I don't know what it is, but its making me hurt all that more inside. Feel like I'm just bleeding sometimes.

And then there was today.

The first stable offered me my job back. And it was one of those freak instances too. Like, hehe woooooo. I was supposed to go the Ballarat with some people from said stable because we're still mates, but they didn't end up going and no one told me that! So I go to the stables. Fail? I think so. However, I left with my old job and I got to see Jarred. Not bad at all. And you'll be glad to know Jarred is doing well. He's had two races now, not winning but he's city class and things can only go up for him!

Jarred at his all important first race start, acting the fool as always

Oh, and the all important Justice update!
He popped up with a new trainer, and has since strung together two wins. I was so excited to see that he'd finally broken his maiden. His last race was on Feb 19th, so I think he's gone to the paddock. Not a day goes by where I don't miss my baby, but I'm stoked his finally showing everyone he can race. You go Justi!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG