Should I Stay or Should I Go?

First-

I had a right go at her. And was later informed she cried. That's all I really wanted. So now she knows how I feel. Awesome!

Now-

After last night's epic breakdown (Mum and Dad's epic breakdown, not mine) I've pretty much decided its time to go. The environment is not peaceful and hasn't been for a long, long time. I hate school, and I'd rather be there then at home. If that doesn't convey my feelings, then what does?

It's not permanent, no way. But its definitely time to do something. I've contemplated this for awhile now but it wasn't even a real option until tonight when I realised that I'm actually of legal age to move out. So lets muse a bit.

I couldn't move in with relatives, that's insane and I would go insane. Besides my Grandma isn't the way she used to be and my cousins, aunt and uncle all live way too far out. I could always try someone from work, but again that's kind of cross town. But more doable then the relatives. However, I need to get to school. School is the real big problem here. It'd be so much easier if I just didn't go - but that is simply not an option. I have an income, so its all good there. And the cops can't make me go home without a court order, so... I'm fairly sure this is the right thing to do. And as I said, its not a forever deal.

I just need somewhere to go.

...watches her ideas crash and burn...


I'm not crazy either, just by the way.  I was talking to a KHL counsellor and they seemed to agree with me. I'm just doing myself more damage by staying here and now that I know what my family thinks and all, I'd say its time to go.

So yeah. Not as deep as I thought it would be, but hey! Sort of outlines it all no doubt.

Bye for now but not forever,
- CG

Life Goes On

It's been quite some time since I last posted, and a few significant things have happened.

Firstly, my favourite teacher is leaving at the end of the year. Originally I was just upset, then annoyed/frustrated/angry and now just sad. He's been such a phenomenally important part of my life since year seven and I hate to think about where I'd be today if he hadn't taken my problems so personally. The day I wanted to die, he changed my life forever. He said to me that if he honestly believed I would give up, we wouldn't be having this conversastion, nor have had any of it's predecessors. His honest and absolute faith kept me here, kept me strong, kept me fighting. And now he's going. I just... I just don't know. Aside from having been there for me in some of my darkest hours, he's been a mentor and above all else a fantastic teacher. I didn't have him for any subjects this year, but he opted to allow me to question and learn nonetheless. He drove a faint interest into a burning passion. For all of this, I thank him. And will do so to his face before the year ends.

And then I find out the other religion teacher is going too. He's been my homeroom teacher this year, and knows me pretty well. And that's no mean feat. He took me seriously at all times, and never mentioned anything I said to anyone else. He also played his part in fostering me serious interest in religion, answering my multitude of questions unwaveringly. When I asked him why he became a teacher he told me exactly why. He also said he wouldn't do it forever, but I never imagined he'd leave so soon. He's off to see the world, and I have to say, his travel plan sounds awesome. I don't know if it's a forever thing or not though. I think it was implied that it was, but wow.

So our school's two best religion teachers are gone, just like that.

And to prove that bad things really do happen in threes, I was effectively sacked from my job in the stable. I mean, we don't really look at it like a sacking, but that is what it was. I'm welcome to go in and help and look after the horses, I just can't be employed anymore (due to an incident totally unrelated to myself). So I'm back where I started there. But is it their way of discouraging me from being around? They seem to want me there, and I understand why I can no longer be employed but, I don't know. I'm just a little confused.

All of the above happened in one week. One horrible, long week. And I pushed it all out of mind and refused to think about it. But it's time I explored it a little more because ignoring it is not the right course of action. There are also those pre exsiting minor issues. I stopped eating and sleeping well. It's been going on for a month and a half, two months maybe. I've dropped 6kgs. And I hate to say it but it isn't sitting particularly well on my frame. My hip bones are beginning to stick out, and the flesh is thinner around my ribs. Naturally I noted this after my elbow connected with my hip bone. My God, that was a painful experience. It is also, perhaps, needless to say that there has been some self harm. Nothing on a huge scale though, only two-three cuts in the past few weeks, which on the whole isn't too bad.

So, what have I got? Two of the most important people in my life walking straight out of it, no job and I have neither Hope nor Justice. I miss Justice more now then I did before. The way he knew me, the way he cuddled, they way he played, the way he caused mischief, then justified it in his own way. The way he eventually got everybody to love him because he was endearing. He hung his head over the stall door and waited for the pat he knew was coming. I didn't really get to know Hope before she was tipped out, nor do I know when she will return. But we semi-bonded and that's what counts I suppose.

I am but a hollow, my mind is far away. Thinking of things from another time and place. Things that no longer be. And it will be these things, these memories, that I hold onto when I've nothing left but soltitude and darkness

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope