Life Goes On

It's been quite some time since I last posted, and a few significant things have happened.

Firstly, my favourite teacher is leaving at the end of the year. Originally I was just upset, then annoyed/frustrated/angry and now just sad. He's been such a phenomenally important part of my life since year seven and I hate to think about where I'd be today if he hadn't taken my problems so personally. The day I wanted to die, he changed my life forever. He said to me that if he honestly believed I would give up, we wouldn't be having this conversastion, nor have had any of it's predecessors. His honest and absolute faith kept me here, kept me strong, kept me fighting. And now he's going. I just... I just don't know. Aside from having been there for me in some of my darkest hours, he's been a mentor and above all else a fantastic teacher. I didn't have him for any subjects this year, but he opted to allow me to question and learn nonetheless. He drove a faint interest into a burning passion. For all of this, I thank him. And will do so to his face before the year ends.

And then I find out the other religion teacher is going too. He's been my homeroom teacher this year, and knows me pretty well. And that's no mean feat. He took me seriously at all times, and never mentioned anything I said to anyone else. He also played his part in fostering me serious interest in religion, answering my multitude of questions unwaveringly. When I asked him why he became a teacher he told me exactly why. He also said he wouldn't do it forever, but I never imagined he'd leave so soon. He's off to see the world, and I have to say, his travel plan sounds awesome. I don't know if it's a forever thing or not though. I think it was implied that it was, but wow.

So our school's two best religion teachers are gone, just like that.

And to prove that bad things really do happen in threes, I was effectively sacked from my job in the stable. I mean, we don't really look at it like a sacking, but that is what it was. I'm welcome to go in and help and look after the horses, I just can't be employed anymore (due to an incident totally unrelated to myself). So I'm back where I started there. But is it their way of discouraging me from being around? They seem to want me there, and I understand why I can no longer be employed but, I don't know. I'm just a little confused.

All of the above happened in one week. One horrible, long week. And I pushed it all out of mind and refused to think about it. But it's time I explored it a little more because ignoring it is not the right course of action. There are also those pre exsiting minor issues. I stopped eating and sleeping well. It's been going on for a month and a half, two months maybe. I've dropped 6kgs. And I hate to say it but it isn't sitting particularly well on my frame. My hip bones are beginning to stick out, and the flesh is thinner around my ribs. Naturally I noted this after my elbow connected with my hip bone. My God, that was a painful experience. It is also, perhaps, needless to say that there has been some self harm. Nothing on a huge scale though, only two-three cuts in the past few weeks, which on the whole isn't too bad.

So, what have I got? Two of the most important people in my life walking straight out of it, no job and I have neither Hope nor Justice. I miss Justice more now then I did before. The way he knew me, the way he cuddled, they way he played, the way he caused mischief, then justified it in his own way. The way he eventually got everybody to love him because he was endearing. He hung his head over the stall door and waited for the pat he knew was coming. I didn't really get to know Hope before she was tipped out, nor do I know when she will return. But we semi-bonded and that's what counts I suppose.

I am but a hollow, my mind is far away. Thinking of things from another time and place. Things that no longer be. And it will be these things, these memories, that I hold onto when I've nothing left but soltitude and darkness

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

No, I Don't Want to Talk About That

Socials. What a disaster. I wanted to cry when I got there, and I wanted to cry when I left. Life is awesome. My knee hurts from dancing, I sound as ridiculous as I feel and I'm just exhausted.

But I went to school anyway. And despite myself was probably the happiest person in homeroom aside from my homeroom teacher. I love it. And for the second day in a row, I've been really productive. Today I was reading in class. Where is the old me and what have I done with her? Got to love last week of term. Teachers are so relaxed. It's nice I guess.

So anyway (I say this a lot I've noticed, and it is really starting to irritate me) lunchtime came and my favourite teacher was on yard duty. (no I'm not a suck up or a teachers pet, he just knows a lot more than he really should) He had sat down on bench and seemed kind of bored, so I wandered up to him and said "Can I bother you?"
I was amused when he said "Of course"
And upon sitting down he had a look at my arm to make sure I wasn't cutting, and what did he see. Healing marks that are nearly scars. I think he made a knowing sound more than saying anything, but I said "No, I don't want to talk about that."

I don't think he wanted to talk about it either. But it made me nervous. Will he say something? I don't think he can because I will deny it. I told him it was that cat. He sort of laughed. But that's the answer I'm giving. So school can stick it.

I'm not a teacher's pet, I just like picking certain teacher's brains about history and religion. I'm interested in that stuff, and I genuinely want to learn. I'm not there to give them shit. So to everyone who wants to make fun of me, you can stick it too!

I'll leave you with something that depresses me, that will make you laugh:
Today, I needed scissors to open the milky way wrapper *sobs*

Bye for now but not forever
- the original CG and Hope

Styrofoam

What do you do when life gets you down?

Any spare time I have, is filled with homework. So I didn't do any tonight. Now that may or may not come back to bite me tomorrow, but we'll see. I don't know what I'll say if I get pulled up th0ugh. I'm sure I'll come up with something reasonably plausible.

I gave my english teacher lip today. But I'm of the opinion that she should listen to students or just not teach. If she can't hear me, then there's clearly problems, because I am loud.
It's like, people who don't know me think I'm quiet. People who do wish I was. Indeed that is the truth. But it's interesting how different situations affect my loudness. When I'm at work, I'm fairly quiet, talk softly to the horses. But at school, I roar. It's all interesting. Maybe it's the people. Not that I'm not comfortable with the people from work. They're all loud, they like me. But.. I don't know. And this entire paragraph looks like a load of crap now. Just pointless ramble. But that's what I do right?

And, I think that things are going reasonably well because there are no new marks, and I can't remember how many days it's been. Not like a week or anything, but still a reasonable amount of space.

But wow, the styrofoam ball. I love it. Most fun I've had in ages. My poor friend totally embarrased herself when our homeroom teacher watched her chasing it though. My god we laughed.

I spose that's it, because I don't feel I should ramble on anymore tonight.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

Justice and Me

I'm not the sort of person to get into things on a deep and personal level. I do talk in this depth with a few people close to me, but even then it's not often. So today I choose to talk about the bond between me and this horse.

I'm sure some of you wonder why an animal? Why a horse, a racehorse, Justice?
The answer is simple, yet complicated.

Sometimes in life, you find there are things in life you just can't tell anybody. Sometimes you sit there and share these things with a beloved cat or dog. I share with Justice.
When I met this horse, I think he was largely misunderstood more than anything else. No one really wanted to love him and look after him. I think that's what he needed. Before I came across him, I'm fairly sure he had a history of being mean, to say the least. I haven't asked because I don't want to know. The horse I know isn't mean.
Only one other person bothered to give him attention, and to spend time with him. And that was ultimately how we bonded. I cherish our friendship, and it happened because of Justice.
When I was just working sundays, no one else would go near him, and by accident he'd be palmed off to me. I liked him that first time we went for a walk. He was an amusing character.
The day the boss noticed I was walking him, he didn't like it.
But I was attached anyway.

But now he is 'my' horse. Everyone at work has 'their' horses. He is mine. He knows it too. Even though he gets hyped up sometimes and drags me round, he doesn't mean it. He doesn't bite, I've never seen him kick anyone. He just gets a little bit over excited from time to time. But at the end of the day, Justice is a racehorse.

I suppose its knowing that something out there is happy to see you when you're around. It's nice that he nuzzles me and does cuddles. It's nice to practise the simple things in life, such as walking. He's in a rush, and sometimes I am too. And you sit back later, after the moments have finished and you wish you'd seized the chance to make the moment last, because in that moment, you realise, you were everything you wanted to be. And everything you wanted to be is gone again.
When we rush, we lose ourselves. When we slow down we are found again. We all need to slow down and smell the roses once and awhile, just to remind ourselves who we are.

Now I'm thinking and seeing how I do rush. I try and rush school, mostly because I hate it, but that rushing is hurting me in the long run. My latest report was pretty terrible, and I'm not sure how I'll go about changing it. School hurts me more than anything.
Being with Justice and with the people at work has shown me who I am again, because I slow down. I am me. I don't have to hide there.

The benefits of having an animal companion are numerous. They just listen to you, they know when things are wrong, they know when things are great, they know when to challenge you and they know when to let you be.

Who are your special friends?

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

This is our Story

My name doesn't matter. The horse is Justice, but that doesn't matter either. This is our story.



In about Febuary 2008, I self harmed for the first time. Sitting here over a year later I put it down to the beginning of some very unfortunate circumstances.

I'm an avid racing fan, and am the no.1 fan of Apache Cat. The day he won the Lightning Stakes, I had to go to a wedding. To top it off, I wore a dress. I hate dresses, I think a skirt is pushing it, but I wore a dress. It started out ok the wedding. But then these to girsl caught sight of me.


In past times, I was later told, I was friends with these girls. They didn't remember me, nor did I remember them. It didn't stop them picking on me.


They laughed at me all night, threw things at me, and told people a lot of crap about me. It seemed so much worse that day. I cried. Cried because it hurt and because I'd missed a special horse win an important race.


Apache's next race was to be in two weeks time, so I focused on that.


That monday I got a birthday party invitation. Turned out that party was on the same day as Apache's next race, and his last race in Melbourne until November. When I told Mum, she got mad at me for putting the race first saying "I'm not letting a horse get in the way of a friendship". I just walked away and cried. Thinking about how Apache wasn't just a horse and that the friendship in question hadn't quite been the same for quite some time.


It was when I sat in my room that summer's afternoon that the marks first appeared on my arm.


If the other girl's at school noticed, they didn't say anything. A teacher noticed though, and he did everything.



That was the point where it all went wrong, where the demons long pushed away in my mind finally got out and everything just went to shit, for lack of a better word.

Less than a month later my grandfather died, after a four year battle with alzheimers and dementia. I remain strong in my opinion that the nursing home killed him, but thats another story.

Things went up and down constantly, I was never quite happy and my grief was often fuelled by the constant complaints from my tendons. In july the previous year a box was dropped on the back of my ankle. The box shouldnt have caused two years of problems, but it has. My ankle healed (sort of) on its own after the doctor's at the Children's Hospital simply went "Well, we don't know". But by that point my wrists were taped up, and most recently my patella tendon has gone.


Taping my wrists started 'emo' and 'self harm' rumours. They weren't far off the mark about the self harm, but I wonder "who could possibly be stupid enough to place adhesive tape over a wound?". I've never harmed my wrists in any way, shape of form.



In late august last year, I got a volunteer position in a well known racing stable. It was a turning point, somewhere where I became strictly me. I made lots of new friends, friends I'll never forget, but most importantly I met Justice here.


When I met Justice, he was just an average horse, a pretty one, but average. He didn't walk, he pranced and trotted, tucking his nose into his chest. I liked him from day one.


I walked this horse, and stood with him while he picked at the grass every sunday for two months. The sunday before his first race the foreman was alarmed to find that I was walking him. It seems Justice has a vile history, but I've never seen that side to him. Point was, Justice was behaving.


He ran 5th in that race. He got out too late to gain ground, I wasn't too disappointed, just glad he got to the track. The jockey assured us he'd win his next race. When we got home during the afternoon shift in the stable, the foreman laughed because the horse and I stood quietly side by side. That was when he truly did become 'my' horse. Everyone knows he's mine now.


At his second race, he ran second. He should of won, but he near shat himself when the eventual winner flew past him. They decided on blinkers for his next race.


Less than a week later, Justice was gone. Injured. He strained a suspensory ligament.


That hurt.



Five long months later, he came back. He still knew me, he still loved grass, he still pranced around, still was Justice. Only this time he was a gelding.



On tuesday, Justice ran second in a trial. They like him now, they think he's got a pretty good future. I like him too. I wouldn't care if he didn't have a future. But he does, and that's a bonus.

Together Justice and I are going somewhere. Justice will follow me to recovery, and I will follow him to the races.


Please check back regularly for stories about him, and stories about me, and stories about us. I think our story needs telling, but for a story to be told there needs to be an audience.


Bye for now, but not forever!