Am I looking for something that just doesn't exist?

I feel like I am. Does the happy, whole feeling I desire truly exist? Or do I need to be aided by anti depressants? If I have to be aided by meds, then I don't want it, because that's not true happiness. Is it? I feel, that if I have to take drugs to get through life, then I lose.

Maybe that's the wrong attitude to have, but it's my attitude and I guess you're just going to have to deal with it. I'm not saying the medications are wrong, I just don't like them for me. Seems a bit of a warped reality if I need to, effectively, have the meds to function. It's like being a drug addict only its condoned. [oh yes I did just go there!]

So I spent much of today drawing the same pattern in different school books and musing different things. I spend way too much time wondering how I got here. Why am I still here? How did this happen? Did I do something? How can I change that? Is it fixable? Am I stuck? Will it get better? Do I have to hurt like this? Is the hiding necessary? What about the lies? How many people do I need to hurt? How many scars will I have before it's a distant memory? Will I ever want to eat again? Will my body ever heal? Will I be incapacitated forever? For how much longer can I hold on before I finally let go?

So many questions, so little answers. For how long can I suffer before I slip right off the edge? It's kind of like I'm already hanging by a thread. Specially after last week. It's really hard to go on with it all after that. I can't pick myself up this time. I feel really down and I'm tired, so tired. The fighting really does it you know. You get tired and you pick fights with the people around you. And the people around start to get iffy around you and pretty soon you're no longer sure who is there for you and who is not.

I know a few people who are there for me, but I am still reluctant to bring this stuff up. They stop responding after awhile and you do feel like no one is listening, so you think twice about bringing it up again. And I feel really bad sometimes, because nobody ever knows what to say. What do you say?

"Oh hey, I'm thinking about killing myself tonight."
" :S"

Yeah, that's pretty much it. And it's the same deal for self harm, self esteem, body image etc etc. Who wants to be here anyway?

- CG