I feel I should warn you all before you read this, because this is not a happy blog. This is a sad blog that is triggering and something you shouldn't read if you are feeling significantly happy. This blog entry is very raw because it is a true account of what happened. If you continue to do so, you did so by your own free will and I don't want to hear anything of it. Because you chose to read this.
Hugs to all of you
I'm not happy. I cut myself. I decided I wanted to die last night.
Evidently, I didn't go through with it last night. I'm not really sure why, probably because its different holding nurofen and holding a drug you know will kill you. Probably because I'm gutless or just too strong.
And I got on with life today. Resilience. I don't want it anymore. Just want to lie down and stay down for awhile, not have to deal with things. Because dealing with things is not something I want to do right now. Right now I want to look after me. And after that, I think school and relationships will be important. But that is not how things are working out, as they never work out they way I want them to. School and relationships come before me, I have to plug away for everyone around me, because it wouldn't be fair if just one day I ceased to exist.
I did spend a lot of time questioning. Questioning who would notice. Would it take them a week, maybe two? Would they notice because my tumblr went dead or because I ceased to update my status on Facebook or go online on msn. Would I be missed because I stopped posting racing photos or silly facts, or because of who I was? What would people remember about me? Would they remember the depressed kid with the suss scars on her arm or someone they had good times with? I can't answer these questions. I was assured it would be noticed. But how soon would anyone know if I didn't talk to anyone, air my thoughts, my fears, my feelings?
And so I went to school and no one was the wiser. I was tired, maybe a bit grumpy, but otherwise normal. No one was to know. But when I say no one, I mean no one at school because two people did know. And these two people are two people I think the world of, two people who I cannot thank enough. Two people who thought they were losing me and lost hours talking me down. I was sure it was over, but I was wrong. I'm not glad I was wrong right now, but I'm sure I will be in the future, maybe.
I actually wrote lengthy letters to the people who came to mind last night. So for anyone who thinks I wasn't all that serious about it, I kind of was. It took me ages between the tears and the almost constant exchange of texts. I wrote that I loved these people and that this was not their fault. It really kind of was, but you can't write that in these letters. I wrote about the good times, and I wrote about what I liked about them. I told them all to never change and to never give up. And I meant every word.
Despite the things I say sometimes, I love each of you.
And then I had the tablets. As I mentioned earlier, it is very different when you hold a relatively harmless drug and one you know will kill you. When you hold the killer, your life is in the balance, and you think about everything. And I mean everything. I thought about the things I would have done today. The people I wouldn't have spoken to. The people I would never meet. Who I regretted not getting to know better and the relationships I regretted never fixing. I thought about all the people who hurt me, and I sincerely hoped they suffered. I sincerely hoped a lot of people suffered, everyone who made me suffer, deserved to suffer. I thought about the people who didn't deserve to suffer, and I knew that they would suffer too. The people I never said goodbye to, I thought about them. I thought about the people I did say goodbye to. I thought about next week, I thought about 'my' horses, the ones I'll never get to strap. How I'd never swim Bruce again. How the stable would never see me again. How I wouldn't be in pain anymore, how I wouldn't be the one suffering. How I would have finally done something purely selfish, for the most selfish of reasons.
And I couldn't do it.
There were no more tears, I added one new cut and I went to sleep.
Where does this leave me? Right now, I'm empty and somewhat confused. Empty because I caved and confused because I don't know what to do next. What do you do next? There won't be any professional help, no hospital visits, no trips to the doctors.
Where do I go from here? Well, on the advice of a teacher who has no idea of the depth of my issues, I will *try* to take it one day at a time. I don't think I can, but that is my current principle.
Remind me from time to time when you see me around.
- CG
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