Today's weight: 67kg
Well this made me pretty damn happy when I stepped on the scales this afternoon. But, I'll allow the admission that I'm worried by my "you could be thinner" attitude. It's just stupid.
There's this stream of talk that goes on in my head and its like "you're fat, and you're really just no good, completely worthless, why would anyone think anything of you, you're not good enough, you'll never do better, stop cutting its ugly, eat less, smile - people are staring, you do not fit in anywhere, etc etc etc." It just goes on and on and on. I'm listening to it again though. Sometimes I don't even notice and other times I'll catch myself listening and then I just wonder what I'm doing and why.
Why am I doing anything? I've had a chat with myself and I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't want to socialise, I don't want to do a damned thing. But for some reason I just keep plugging away at everything. So why? I know I spend a lot of time doing my homework because I like the distraction it gives. I don't get lost in thought when I'm thinking about Why Tsar Nicholas II had to abdicate in 1917 or why $100 dollars gives you $50 simple interest after X amount of years at X rate. It's not that I'm out to be a super nerd, I just like the peace and the distraction.
Mind you, all this extra time better get me some nice marks otherwise I'm throwing in the towel and just thinking. Because you know, it'd be nice not to be ridiculed for scoring below 90%. I really hate that. So? Go place your fucking expectations on someone else, I don't want to hear them! I don't want to hear your judgements! I'm doing the best I can with my current state of mind. I can't give you anymore! I.just.can't. So leave me alone. It would be much appreciated.
But of course, that is all just wishful thinking. Because nothing I do will ever be good enough.
I'm just so, so unhappy. I don't know what to do. I've tried and failed constantly at straightening myself out. I don't know why I can't manage it or what I'm going to do. So it's pretty much resulted in cutting. And this is daily at the moment. Two or three at a time. Always in the same place. It's becoming a touch painful actually. Considering moving where I do it, but I don't want to resume on my arms, because I have a natural tendency to inflict damage there. Three years later and you can still see the original scars.
I just keep getting more and more wound up with each passing day. I can't unwind. It's going to be fun when all this spontaneously comes undone.
- CG
PS. Jellyfish evaporate in the sun.
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