Today's Weight: 70kg
So yesterday I went to see a cardiologist.
I know what you're thinking - "Aren't you a little young for that?" And yes, yes I am. Even the doctor said so. But I learnt some interesting things about myself yesterday. I have a soft heart murmur. Yep, believe it. I'm not sure I can right now but I guess I kind of have to. And, my right ventricle is also slower than my left. Sometimes people are born with a slower ventricle, but by age five it has usually corrected itself. Of course mine didn't. Of course.
But the murmur is quite the revelation is it not? I get that its pretty harmless to me but of course my heart is defective.
Of course.
Why would I get to be normal? Huh. Why?
So now I have to do all these tests and I'm just not happy. So many questions, so little answers. Because you know, they've "never seen anything" like me. FML. Like seriously. I hate my life so much. So much.
I don't even know what to do.
Why can't things just work like they're meant to?
Why?
What did I do wrong?
Who hates me?
Is it the universe?
What did I do!?
I hate my life. I hate it. I don't know why I'm living anymore. I really don't. It's not fun. It's not happy. It's painful and sad. Depression, anxiety, whatever other shit they've labelled me with over the years, it's all kicking my arse. I can't win.
I'm not even sure I want to anymore. What's the point in fighting this losing battle any longer?
- CG
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