FML

Today's weight: 69kg

She says I'm not a big med taker, and I'm not. But she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand at all. Every med I take is regulating my body and how it function. Regulating how it functions. I don't need anymore. I don't need anymore and I don't want anymore. They taste bad. They taste bad and they're screwing with my natural functions. I'm unpredictable. I'm unpredictable, wildly moody, but mostly I'm just sad. I'm just sad and it hangs over me and it's kicking my arse. It's kicking my arse and I can't stop it. I want to kick it, but how do I kick something that is intangible. It's all intangible and only drugs can fix it. I don't want drugs, they taste bad. How can it be good for me when it tastes so bad. It tastes so bad and I just want someone to talk to. Not to problem solve. Not to problem sole because I'm not ready. Not ready and too antisocial. I just want someone to listen and tell me I'm normal. Tell me I'm normal and I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't done anything wrong and I'm not doing anything wrong. You don't understand. You don't understand how I cope. You don't understand how I cope because it looks bad. It looks bad its taboo. It's taboo and emos do it. Emos do it but I'm not emo, I'm just confused. I'm just confused and sad. I'm sad because everything is wrong and nothings wants to go right. Nothing wants to go right because the universe hates me. The unierse hates me and I don't know why. I don't know why and I don't understand. I don't understand and I'm hurting. I;m hurting and I'm lost. I'm lost because no one can tell me why. Why have all these things happened and why they keep happening and why I wake up every morning and why I keep trying. I keep trying because I haven't got the guts to end it. I haven't got the guts to end it and I'm harbouring too much pride. Harbouring too much pride so I won't ask for help. Not asking for help because I'm not convinced I need it. Not convinced I need it but knowing deep down I do. Deep down I do but I don't want someone to help, I want someone to listen. Someone to listen because she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand how I'm not a big med taker. She just knows. She just knows but she won't listen. She won't listen, she'll try to understand and problem solve. I don't want to be problem solves, I just want someone to listen.

- CG

Ps. I killed George