Life Bites

It really, really does.

So I've been screwed over by my very best friends, and it has been killing me. I haven't been able to stop asking myself why. Why did this happen? Why was she so cruel? Why did they just sit there and let it happen? Why can't I understand this? Why don't I understand this? And I don't come even close to answering any of the above questions. It's terrible, it's a travesty, it's just sensationally crap. I really don't think I can deal with tomorrow and it's just sad that my very best friends (well former very best friends) could say these things, and the other two sit and let her. I don't know, but what I do know is that I have got to stop beating myself up over it. Nothing to be done now.

And the boy I like, he's in love with someone else. Talk about things being sensationally crap. A mutual friends reckons he's being played but I honestly don't know. I'm a bit shattered about that too. Just something else to mull over now. At the very least we can still be mates, which I'm glad about. I value that he cares so yeah. Funny how he knows the ugly truth, and how he found out was bad. But he still talks to me, and is really nice. But yeah.

I'm so confused.

I'm hurting.

I'm worried, will I ever stop bleeding?

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

There's Always Someone Cooler Than You

So, now that I've dropped 6-7kg in the past 6 weeks and haven't been able to put it back on, I don't know what I'm going to do. What can I do? I finally start eating again, and then I plummet like I always knew would happen in the end. So I'm going to stop eating again very quickly, and my weight at present is a relatively healthy 65kg, but it just does not sit well on my frame. My hip bones and collar bone have never portruded so much. There is most definitely reason for concern, but there is simply nothing I can do. What in God's name is a counsellor going to achieve, I ask you. Probably nothing, because I'm an obtuse little brat. But I wasn't born like that, so what caused that? Well that is another can of worms for another day.

I suppose I should start introducing myself as that "stupid-emo-cripple-with-dandruff-in-her-hair-who-is-also-no-longer-allowed-to-put-her-head-down-on-tables-and-is-also-a-bitch-who-throws-coke-bottles-in-the-bin". Phew, that was long. But yes, that is apparently my new nickname, if you listen to a certain girl, which more former friendship group apparently does. I don't understand how the could just sit there and let her degrade me like that. And they knew how much the words stung me, and they still sat there. And my best friend, she wouldn't sit next to me in class. She walked straight past me. Are they ignoring what she said to me and just focusing on the part where I dropped her coke bottle in the bin? Because she bloody deserved that and I make no apologies.

I'm so shattered, about this, and that I had to self harm, and that it still doesn't feel any better.

Qu'est-ce que c'est le point?

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

Life Goes On

It's been quite some time since I last posted, and a few significant things have happened.

Firstly, my favourite teacher is leaving at the end of the year. Originally I was just upset, then annoyed/frustrated/angry and now just sad. He's been such a phenomenally important part of my life since year seven and I hate to think about where I'd be today if he hadn't taken my problems so personally. The day I wanted to die, he changed my life forever. He said to me that if he honestly believed I would give up, we wouldn't be having this conversastion, nor have had any of it's predecessors. His honest and absolute faith kept me here, kept me strong, kept me fighting. And now he's going. I just... I just don't know. Aside from having been there for me in some of my darkest hours, he's been a mentor and above all else a fantastic teacher. I didn't have him for any subjects this year, but he opted to allow me to question and learn nonetheless. He drove a faint interest into a burning passion. For all of this, I thank him. And will do so to his face before the year ends.

And then I find out the other religion teacher is going too. He's been my homeroom teacher this year, and knows me pretty well. And that's no mean feat. He took me seriously at all times, and never mentioned anything I said to anyone else. He also played his part in fostering me serious interest in religion, answering my multitude of questions unwaveringly. When I asked him why he became a teacher he told me exactly why. He also said he wouldn't do it forever, but I never imagined he'd leave so soon. He's off to see the world, and I have to say, his travel plan sounds awesome. I don't know if it's a forever thing or not though. I think it was implied that it was, but wow.

So our school's two best religion teachers are gone, just like that.

And to prove that bad things really do happen in threes, I was effectively sacked from my job in the stable. I mean, we don't really look at it like a sacking, but that is what it was. I'm welcome to go in and help and look after the horses, I just can't be employed anymore (due to an incident totally unrelated to myself). So I'm back where I started there. But is it their way of discouraging me from being around? They seem to want me there, and I understand why I can no longer be employed but, I don't know. I'm just a little confused.

All of the above happened in one week. One horrible, long week. And I pushed it all out of mind and refused to think about it. But it's time I explored it a little more because ignoring it is not the right course of action. There are also those pre exsiting minor issues. I stopped eating and sleeping well. It's been going on for a month and a half, two months maybe. I've dropped 6kgs. And I hate to say it but it isn't sitting particularly well on my frame. My hip bones are beginning to stick out, and the flesh is thinner around my ribs. Naturally I noted this after my elbow connected with my hip bone. My God, that was a painful experience. It is also, perhaps, needless to say that there has been some self harm. Nothing on a huge scale though, only two-three cuts in the past few weeks, which on the whole isn't too bad.

So, what have I got? Two of the most important people in my life walking straight out of it, no job and I have neither Hope nor Justice. I miss Justice more now then I did before. The way he knew me, the way he cuddled, they way he played, the way he caused mischief, then justified it in his own way. The way he eventually got everybody to love him because he was endearing. He hung his head over the stall door and waited for the pat he knew was coming. I didn't really get to know Hope before she was tipped out, nor do I know when she will return. But we semi-bonded and that's what counts I suppose.

I am but a hollow, my mind is far away. Thinking of things from another time and place. Things that no longer be. And it will be these things, these memories, that I hold onto when I've nothing left but soltitude and darkness

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

So Why Aren't I Happy?

I went to the chiropractor today for round two. And as it would turn out, my spine is completely and utterly screwed up, mostly around my neck. It's hideous! My neck is just jutting forward, I was appalled and embarrassed by it. So basically my body is permanently locked intro 'defence mode' due to a prolonged period of stress. (1 guess as two the origins of the stress eh?)

They finally worked out what's wrong, and I'm not even remotely happy about it. I barely feel confident about it. Perhaps it is just the failures fresh in my mind that prevent me from embracing this. I admit and am nothing short of skeptical about the whole chiropractic thing. Or maybe it was seeing how badly screwed up my spine is. God I hate that. I feel bad enough about being me and screwed up and all and then I see that. Woah.

But at the end of the day it is a potential cure, one I'm not too sure about, but nonetheless a cure. So why can't I be happy about?

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

So, now that school holidays have finally rolled around, you'd think I'd be pretty relaxed. Wrong. I've lost another kilo and I'm not even sure how. Probably a lack of eating and a lot more excersize. Atleast that's what I'm hoping. I was also finally found out over self harming. I lie a lot about these sorts of things. But that I cannot help. I'm used to keeping truths such as these close to my heart. Plus the fallout of the truth might be too much for me in my current state. But I'm certainly feeling little need to harm, which is grand.

But, I can't help but wonder at things. Things that drive me mental, and things I should spend less time pondering. Where is this pondering getting me? Nowhere. But it sure as hell is giving me many sleepless nights. This is where I say yay to holidays, because I've been able to stay up as late as neccessary and then sleep in the following morning. No sleep lost really.

Hope has been turned out. Muscle problems. But some think it's her stifle. Which is not a good thing. And she'll probably never get to the races if it is indeed her stifle. Which would definitely suck, and I'd be looking for a new horse yet again. Fun times eh.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

The Thing About Tomorrow

We're all dying, every single one us, every single moment of every single day.
Now don't argue with me, because you know it's true. We all come to a point in life where we die. It's our time and we are gone. Not so much forgotten, but most definitely gone. So why am I even thinking about this? I don't know, I just feel crappy. So that's my current train of thought.

So, the thing about tomorrow is that it's not tomorrow at all. Because tomorrow never comes. And if tomorrow never comes, how do we get anywhere in life? I tell you, it's a good thing we define the progress of a week by the days with names. Which is equally as ridiculous as anything else because, technically today is thursday, but whose to actually say it's not monday? See what I mean?

I couldn't care less if you don't, but just try to broaden your thinking. You might enjoy it. But that's just what I think. And what I think is completely insignificant. But you obviously care because you're reading this.

Moving on..

I'm so mean to myself. I punish myself with blades and food etc. What next? Who knows. I mean, who knows anything when the thing that scares you most is yourself? Isn't that an ugly thought. Because, really that's all I've got to fear. The conflictions within. Do I talk or not talk. Harm or not harm. Wake or not wake. Decisions, decisions. But this is what I'm stuck with when I toss and turn and don't sleep. Hence the need to get up and do homework at some ridiculous hour of the morning. It's rather counterproductive sometimes. But what else can I do right?

Bye for not but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

No, I Don't Want to Talk About That

Socials. What a disaster. I wanted to cry when I got there, and I wanted to cry when I left. Life is awesome. My knee hurts from dancing, I sound as ridiculous as I feel and I'm just exhausted.

But I went to school anyway. And despite myself was probably the happiest person in homeroom aside from my homeroom teacher. I love it. And for the second day in a row, I've been really productive. Today I was reading in class. Where is the old me and what have I done with her? Got to love last week of term. Teachers are so relaxed. It's nice I guess.

So anyway (I say this a lot I've noticed, and it is really starting to irritate me) lunchtime came and my favourite teacher was on yard duty. (no I'm not a suck up or a teachers pet, he just knows a lot more than he really should) He had sat down on bench and seemed kind of bored, so I wandered up to him and said "Can I bother you?"
I was amused when he said "Of course"
And upon sitting down he had a look at my arm to make sure I wasn't cutting, and what did he see. Healing marks that are nearly scars. I think he made a knowing sound more than saying anything, but I said "No, I don't want to talk about that."

I don't think he wanted to talk about it either. But it made me nervous. Will he say something? I don't think he can because I will deny it. I told him it was that cat. He sort of laughed. But that's the answer I'm giving. So school can stick it.

I'm not a teacher's pet, I just like picking certain teacher's brains about history and religion. I'm interested in that stuff, and I genuinely want to learn. I'm not there to give them shit. So to everyone who wants to make fun of me, you can stick it too!

I'll leave you with something that depresses me, that will make you laugh:
Today, I needed scissors to open the milky way wrapper *sobs*

Bye for now but not forever
- the original CG and Hope