So Why Aren't I Happy?

I went to the chiropractor today for round two. And as it would turn out, my spine is completely and utterly screwed up, mostly around my neck. It's hideous! My neck is just jutting forward, I was appalled and embarrassed by it. So basically my body is permanently locked intro 'defence mode' due to a prolonged period of stress. (1 guess as two the origins of the stress eh?)

They finally worked out what's wrong, and I'm not even remotely happy about it. I barely feel confident about it. Perhaps it is just the failures fresh in my mind that prevent me from embracing this. I admit and am nothing short of skeptical about the whole chiropractic thing. Or maybe it was seeing how badly screwed up my spine is. God I hate that. I feel bad enough about being me and screwed up and all and then I see that. Woah.

But at the end of the day it is a potential cure, one I'm not too sure about, but nonetheless a cure. So why can't I be happy about?

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

So, now that school holidays have finally rolled around, you'd think I'd be pretty relaxed. Wrong. I've lost another kilo and I'm not even sure how. Probably a lack of eating and a lot more excersize. Atleast that's what I'm hoping. I was also finally found out over self harming. I lie a lot about these sorts of things. But that I cannot help. I'm used to keeping truths such as these close to my heart. Plus the fallout of the truth might be too much for me in my current state. But I'm certainly feeling little need to harm, which is grand.

But, I can't help but wonder at things. Things that drive me mental, and things I should spend less time pondering. Where is this pondering getting me? Nowhere. But it sure as hell is giving me many sleepless nights. This is where I say yay to holidays, because I've been able to stay up as late as neccessary and then sleep in the following morning. No sleep lost really.

Hope has been turned out. Muscle problems. But some think it's her stifle. Which is not a good thing. And she'll probably never get to the races if it is indeed her stifle. Which would definitely suck, and I'd be looking for a new horse yet again. Fun times eh.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

The Thing About Tomorrow

We're all dying, every single one us, every single moment of every single day.
Now don't argue with me, because you know it's true. We all come to a point in life where we die. It's our time and we are gone. Not so much forgotten, but most definitely gone. So why am I even thinking about this? I don't know, I just feel crappy. So that's my current train of thought.

So, the thing about tomorrow is that it's not tomorrow at all. Because tomorrow never comes. And if tomorrow never comes, how do we get anywhere in life? I tell you, it's a good thing we define the progress of a week by the days with names. Which is equally as ridiculous as anything else because, technically today is thursday, but whose to actually say it's not monday? See what I mean?

I couldn't care less if you don't, but just try to broaden your thinking. You might enjoy it. But that's just what I think. And what I think is completely insignificant. But you obviously care because you're reading this.

Moving on..

I'm so mean to myself. I punish myself with blades and food etc. What next? Who knows. I mean, who knows anything when the thing that scares you most is yourself? Isn't that an ugly thought. Because, really that's all I've got to fear. The conflictions within. Do I talk or not talk. Harm or not harm. Wake or not wake. Decisions, decisions. But this is what I'm stuck with when I toss and turn and don't sleep. Hence the need to get up and do homework at some ridiculous hour of the morning. It's rather counterproductive sometimes. But what else can I do right?

Bye for not but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

No, I Don't Want to Talk About That

Socials. What a disaster. I wanted to cry when I got there, and I wanted to cry when I left. Life is awesome. My knee hurts from dancing, I sound as ridiculous as I feel and I'm just exhausted.

But I went to school anyway. And despite myself was probably the happiest person in homeroom aside from my homeroom teacher. I love it. And for the second day in a row, I've been really productive. Today I was reading in class. Where is the old me and what have I done with her? Got to love last week of term. Teachers are so relaxed. It's nice I guess.

So anyway (I say this a lot I've noticed, and it is really starting to irritate me) lunchtime came and my favourite teacher was on yard duty. (no I'm not a suck up or a teachers pet, he just knows a lot more than he really should) He had sat down on bench and seemed kind of bored, so I wandered up to him and said "Can I bother you?"
I was amused when he said "Of course"
And upon sitting down he had a look at my arm to make sure I wasn't cutting, and what did he see. Healing marks that are nearly scars. I think he made a knowing sound more than saying anything, but I said "No, I don't want to talk about that."

I don't think he wanted to talk about it either. But it made me nervous. Will he say something? I don't think he can because I will deny it. I told him it was that cat. He sort of laughed. But that's the answer I'm giving. So school can stick it.

I'm not a teacher's pet, I just like picking certain teacher's brains about history and religion. I'm interested in that stuff, and I genuinely want to learn. I'm not there to give them shit. So to everyone who wants to make fun of me, you can stick it too!

I'll leave you with something that depresses me, that will make you laugh:
Today, I needed scissors to open the milky way wrapper *sobs*

Bye for now but not forever
- the original CG and Hope

Spinning

So it's monday. I hate mondays. Mostly because it's on the back of a weekend where I haven't gotten much rest. Or maybe it's just because it's monday. But then it doesn't really matter right?

But on saturday I worked and saw my lovely, and currently exceptionally grumpy filly Hope. Then I was off to the races in my black jeans. Stupid, stupid decision that was. It was 29degrees and I'm gallavanting around Moonee Valley in my black jeans. I'll never do that again.
It was 27 degrees when we went out for dinner at dad's step mum's place. My cousins were there, and I was yet to realise that this would be on of the best nights of my life.

The warmer weather worried me at first, because my latest mark is still healing and at that time it was bright red. If mum noticed, she didn't say. But I don't think she has because she hasn't mentioned talking to anyone about it again. Which is a good thing. The only thing that annoys her now is my lack of drive when it comes to eating. I've only lost one kilo, but to her it's the world. I put it down to simple things, such as my general unhappiness, and stress levels. When I'm stressed and unhappy, I stop eating. That's just how it is. I'm just glad I don't put on weight, because with all my injuries this could have been a disaster.

So anyway, back to saturday night.
Dad's stepmum's house is on a close/grove thing. It's not a court so I won't call it that. But at the end of her close/grove thing there's what we like to call a reserve. I don't think it really classes as a reserve but hey. It has storm water drains, grass and trees. It was getting dark, it was still warm and we decided, what better thing to do than spin around like a bunch of loonies. We promptly did this.
And at this point you're probably thinking "what the hell" and you can think what the hell, but please, you've got to try this. The world is spinning by you, and your breathing feels as regular as it's ever been. Your limbs no longer ache, but you're fully aware of those spinning around you. And then out of nowhere someone jumps out infront of you and you fall mid-spin flat on your face. You find you can no longer breathe and your head hurts. You're laughing so hard that you fell over that you've just realised you knocked the wind out of yourself. When you stand you fall again, and rise slowly before moving in a sideward motion. Your head aches, and you're still laughing and the world no longer seems real.

If it still seems odd, that's ok. But I've never felt more like me in such a long time as I did when I was spinning like a loon laughing and enjoying myself with my cousins. Just as it had been in years gone past.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

I choose to like the above statement (yep George B. Shaw again). It just rings true for so many situations. What makes you important if you sit and let the world pass you by, and then you complain because it has passed you by?
I have a friend like that, she actually *really* annoys me. No, thats wrong. She beyond annoys me. That's probably mean, but hey! She's meaner than me, and believe me when I say that says something.

But that's really neither here nor there, and I shouldn't get enjoyment out of pissing her off. But I do. So it obviously makes me horrible.. Or does it not?

But really, enough of that.
I visited the champ on sunday. Good ol' Apache Cat, he wasn't being very sociable, but he's a bit aloof like that. Got some nice photos anyway. Might draw from one later. We met our horse Chocky, she's really cuddly. It's cute.
And I worked that morning too, so I saw my hip hop Hope. She's such a darl. Knows me now, always comes to the front of her stall. She strained a muscle in her rump, so I don't know when she'll do track work again. But hopefully soon so that we can get to the races and see what she can do!

So then, I suddenly was floored by this incredible low. And lo and behold, there's a new mark on my arm. Am I proud of this? No, but then I never have been. I just find that the scars mean about as much to me as my pencil case, and my pencil case doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I just sort of wish I wouldnt do it, like it would stop crossing my mind. It's self defeating something like this. You just can't control it. I think I'm going to start wearing my rubber bands again, and see if that makes any sort of difference. Will I do it again? Probably, I mean.. well I don't know what I mean. I reckon I will do it. And I don't know when it will stop. Just like I don't know when things will be better and all that stuff.

I think I'll leave you with a photo of me and Apache:

There was no food in my hands, I swear

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Hope

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.

So so true. I love the words of George Bernard Shaw, they're poetic and true. No crap in between. My homeroom teacher put me onto him today, when I was skipping physical education.
You could have knocked me over with a feather today when my PE teacher said I could go see if he was in his office. I was like 'come again'. But, she let me go, which was good.
We talked about my family issues for a bit, and then we were done. He told me that Mum yelling at me is a reflection of her, not me. It really had nothing to do with me, it showed more about her, than it did about me. I will have to try and remember that next time people yell at me. He reckons its a lot like when a student says/screams that they "hate the school, and you (the teacher) and this class". Apparently, they don't hate the teacher or the school, and they don't really hate the subject. They're probably just bored.
I like his way of thinking.

We also have our annual year level retreat day tomorrow. And there is this conflict workshop that my homeroom teacher is running. I helped come up with examples, they're actually really funny. It's sad that they're true though. Ah the mystery of the teenage girl.

But what I was going to talk about was fashions and how much I hate it. I think it's just because I don't get it. I mean, who wants to continually change their entire wardrobe. Not me. But some people enjoy it.

Anyhoo.. I'm being kicked off the computer.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Hope (whom I've since actually dubbed Hip Hop Hope, too bad thats not her real name)