Blah...

Life sucks.

There's nothing else to say for it, it just sucks. It lets you start feeling better then it knocks you down again. Sometimes it doesn't even wait, it just keeps on hurling things at you until you don't get out of bed anymore. Which is what essentially happened last week. I conveniently got sick again last week. Milked it for all it was worth. I don't want to get up in the morning and face a day at school. No one wants that.

See, usually, as much as I moan about it, I always manage to round up the motivation to show up and get stuff done. Last week, there was none of that. Couldn't get up. When I did get up, I was too tired to function normally. So fair enough the virus plays a part in all of this, but in the past I'll have had to have been on my death bed to take a day off, but this time, nope, straight away, I'm staying home.

Alarm bells anyone?

Oh well, back to school bright and early Monday morning [thank you Chrome, I've now learnt that days of the week require capital letters]. Kill me now. Please?

And in other news, I've upset my stupid ACL again. Life is just average. It's going to just rupture one day. And I say GOOD.

Anyway,

Bye for now but not forever,
- CG

Lost in the Realm of 'I Don't Care Enough Anymore'

Care about what?

Everything.

It's like, why? I see no gain so no, no I do not want to do it, try it, even look at it. I'm not being lazy this time - I just don't care. 

I was sitting in school today, doing nothing apparently. Well nothing constructive anyway because I am a very distracted person today. My maths teacher went into lecture mode because we all disrespect her because we don't bring our homework or even bother doing it, lose our handouts, forget our calculators, books, utensils... and that's if we show up at all. Which is fair enough and very true of some people in the class, but for those of us who show up with all our things, homework done and do try to care, its quite painful to be made to feel like you've done something wrong.

I hate that. I do. So I give up caring in that department. 

And then there was Food Tech. Oh yes, wonderful, fun Food Tech. [I'm hoping the sarcasm intended gets across okay, if not IT IS SARCASM]. Today we cooked cheese soufflé's. And despite burning the frozen pizza and incurring a burn while doing so, I successfully cooked a soufflé. Did I feel cool? Hah, no. I felt ridiculous because I was one of two people left in the class trying to clean up while their partner kind of stood there uselessly while the teacher made snide the remark "Hurry up. I'd like lunch too". Like I want to be in that damned class. Just let me out and have my lunch. Never understood why I had to clean up the mess the class before me always leaves. 

Not that I can comment or anything.

So I had no lunch time. Science was last and its needless to say nothing good was achieved there. Just a whole lot of "Lilian"'s being scrawled all over Lili's page. VCE Music will never be boring again... Hahaha.

And on top of actually going to school I'm still sick. And by the way, I did work out why I'm so tired - it's because I'm sick. And all of last week I didn't get a night's sleep where I actually slept through the night. It was like torture! I can't believe I ever functioned on less the 4 hours of sleep a night. What kind of madwoman...

It doesn't matter anyway, because I don't care! 

It just seems hollow, like it shouldn't be reality. Oh how I wish it wasn't my reality. I'm seeing like three different fonts in this editor screen, so I don't know if it'll look funny once I post this. If it's all uniform, ignore the comment. Just exemplifying my distractedness.

So now that I'm sitting here, telling myself I don't care and kinda feeling like I don't care, I have reached the conclusion that I do in fact care. Because if I didn't I wouldn't have wasted all this time telling you about it. Yes you, my poor unfortunate readership. How you guys read this garble I'll never understand. Reading over my old posts makes me shudder you know. I just can't help but think "jeez I'm a whingy kid..." Anyway. I'm going to go and not do the homework I care so much about. [I always do my homework, I just don't do it as well as I could. Same goes for assignments and essays. Sorry teachers, I just seriously do not care.]

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

Note to Self: Burns Hurt. A Lot.

Yes, they do. And how did this happen you ask? Well, lets just say I had a very slight incident with a very hot pizza tray. It isn't a bad burn, in fact its not worse than any cut I could inflict upon myself. I just thought it was random enough to share with my considerable readership (hahaha! I make myself laugh).

And now that you've been informed, I shall leave you.

- CG

Just Let Me Fade Away

I'm tired, and crabby and I hate life. I.Hate.Life. It's just so cruel and horrible and so mean. It's not fair. I want to cry and cry and cry. I just want to be happy but I can't even have that. It's all just fighting all the damn time and its so not fair. I'm not a disrespectful mole, or a stupid fucking child, or a lazy fucking child, a dumb fucking child or an ungrateful fucking child. I'm not any sort of fucking child and I resent all those comments and names and they wouldn't even know it!

Oh know! my 9yo sister grinds her teeth in her sleep due to anxiety... She says its because she doesn't feel safe at home. Gee, I wonder why!? Think the constant fighting might have anything to do with this? Nah, of course not. Naturally its my fault for being a dumb bitch and a terrible sister. They're totally blameless, but then I should expect that now. Nothing's changed in years and its never going to change. We can barely live in a whole house together, how are we going to do two-three months in half a house? I don't think I will be able to do it and if I don't cut myself to shreds before its over then I don't know what else will happen. I can't even find somewhere alternative to live for a bit.

It's all just so UGH.

And all that stuff with that girl, she's just so awful. So unbelievably mean. Posting lies all over her Facebook page, all weekend. Facebook is nothing but trouble. I freakin' hate it! But I can't delete it. I only ever got it to keep up with my friends outside of school, mostly in the racing industry. Somehow it became a school thing too. But most of my school friend's are gone now. Possibly the best thing I've ever done. I'm sure they'll all hate me for it, but I just want to hide. I go to school five days a week, excuse me for wanting a life of my own once I get home.

I'm all over the joint, so confused, contemplative, upset, lonely, sad, distressed, out of place, different, unhappy, lost... Who am I? Why am I here? What am I to do with all of this? Not to mention the massive amount of pain I'm in. I've been nursing my wrist since Saturday, my left knee is a wreck and even my elbow hurts. I wake up in the mornings with a headache and feel like I haven't slept. Just so tired. Exhausted. Weak.

I'm a mess! I hate my life, I hate myself and I can't even get away from it all for two seconds because something or someone always reminds me about it and then it all comes rushing back. And I just hurt all over again. And it sucks, and its awful and please, please just make it end! I can't even make it end myself because I don't have it in me to do something like that. So whether its inner strength or just plain fear, I don't know. Stupid mindless drive. GO AWAY! I don't want to get up and so this anymore.

I'm just so tired and over it and hurting. I hurt so much. Please, just let me fade away...

- CG

Some Good Days

So, I've actually had a couple of good days. And I'm going to share because I feel its necessary to break up all the bad stuff I've been posting.

I missed school on Friday to take one of my favourite horses at work to the races. I was a bit nervous because it was the first time I'd strapped for the new place, but Mea behaved herself, generally, and ran second. She came home like a train, it was really exciting. Then because no one could pick me up when we got back from the races, I hung around for a bit and helped out with the afternoon shift - meaning I got to walk my over favourite horse - Toby (aka Bruce, whatever). He was in a silly mood and there was an incident at the pool which set him right off and well, I may have lost him.

But its okay! Someone caught him for me and he didn't get very far. I just like him more now - he's presented a challenge and I will win. No one else likes him anyway, and I figure someone has to give him some sort of attention.

And today, I went to the races. Caught up with my good mate Jacinta and we had a grouse time. Took lots of photos and such, wandered round, said hi to lots of people. An all round good day. There was also two explosions at work this morning. All the track lights went out suddenly at day break then BOOM first light goes. Couple of seconds elapse and BOOM goes the second light. We're glad it stopped at the second light because the horses weren't loving the sound.

So I've had an all round good couple of days and am looking forward to a nice long sleep tonight!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG

-head desk-

What'd I do!?

I feel this is a fair enough question. All these things keep happening, and show no signs of improving. GRR LIFE.  GRRRRRR.

You know that girl I'm currently hating on? Well she's decided to inform everyone I kicked her. This is obviously not true. And no, I don't know where she got the bruise on her leg from. If you want my opinion (and too bad, you're getting it anyway) she probably gave it to herself to provide authenticity. She's spent this week posting an array of crap on her Facebook page and what I love about her Facebook page is she neglects to enforce any sort of privacy - so I can see it all and comment. Not that I do. How dumb do you think I am?

I get shit at home.
I get shit at school.

WHY!?

-head desk-

At what point does it get better? I'm tired. MAKE IT BETTER.... please?

- CG

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

First-

I had a right go at her. And was later informed she cried. That's all I really wanted. So now she knows how I feel. Awesome!

Now-

After last night's epic breakdown (Mum and Dad's epic breakdown, not mine) I've pretty much decided its time to go. The environment is not peaceful and hasn't been for a long, long time. I hate school, and I'd rather be there then at home. If that doesn't convey my feelings, then what does?

It's not permanent, no way. But its definitely time to do something. I've contemplated this for awhile now but it wasn't even a real option until tonight when I realised that I'm actually of legal age to move out. So lets muse a bit.

I couldn't move in with relatives, that's insane and I would go insane. Besides my Grandma isn't the way she used to be and my cousins, aunt and uncle all live way too far out. I could always try someone from work, but again that's kind of cross town. But more doable then the relatives. However, I need to get to school. School is the real big problem here. It'd be so much easier if I just didn't go - but that is simply not an option. I have an income, so its all good there. And the cops can't make me go home without a court order, so... I'm fairly sure this is the right thing to do. And as I said, its not a forever deal.

I just need somewhere to go.

...watches her ideas crash and burn...


I'm not crazy either, just by the way.  I was talking to a KHL counsellor and they seemed to agree with me. I'm just doing myself more damage by staying here and now that I know what my family thinks and all, I'd say its time to go.

So yeah. Not as deep as I thought it would be, but hey! Sort of outlines it all no doubt.

Bye for now but not forever,
- CG

The Gutless Wonder

WARNING: this blog post contains a pointless rage about a situation that should never have happened. If you don't want to read it, don't. Do not track me down and hit me of give me any sort of lecture because I make NO APOLOGIES for having feelings. Besides, you chose to read it.

Okay.

Oh.My.God.

Yes, I did just bring God into this, I'm only half apologetic for that, but being catholic and all I feel like I have some sort of right to say that. Shut up CG, this is not a humorous post!

So there's this girl at school. And she seems hell bent on starting some fight with me that I so obviously don't want to have. In May she tried to start something the first time. It started on Facebook and she lied to me about the Facebook status so when I found it I was pissed. It was so obviously about me, and the remarks were callous. So maybe I had an emo moment and cut myself at the point. Never again over her, never again. That very same afternoon she sent me a series of text messages and this continued on for a week. At first it was kind of funny, but it just got more and more ridiculous and she made a pretty serious allegation and I had had enough. Logged everything in a Word doc. and gave it all the the school.

I was apologised to, via text message. Nothing to my face. She couldn't look me in the eye. She couldn't look at me at all. You tell me who won this round of cyber bullying and I didn't even have to be rude!

Its August now. And on Friday she actually said something to me. Could of knocked me over with a feather. I was looking for a mutual friend who was incidentally spending the night at my house and she opted to make a helpful suggestion. Which was nice.

We're at my house. And my friend starts getting messages from her. She's got this new sympathy fishing scenario happening and frankly, after everything that's happened, I just don't know what to believe. So I'm reading these messages over my friend's shoulder and pretty quickly this girl works out that I'm reading these messages, so she starts directing them at me. She tried to do two things. Bully/threaten me and turn this friend on me. She failed, badly. 

I'm tired of her shit, frankly. She bangs on about giving me a second chance when she obviously hasn't, how her apologies were crap because she was "forced to make them". It's just ridiculous. [insert an insane amount of profanities here] I can't believe I just used that word, profanities....

It just shits me. How people do this to me. And how life likes to kick me really hard when I'm down.

And lets face it. Not talking to me and messaging me instead is one thing, but doing it to someone else's phone. Eat some concrete and harden the fuck up.

I'm going to go sit back in reality where I'm a "useless dumb fucking child" and just enjoy being hated. Right on!

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

S'like, I just, don't know?

You know, I haven't felt like this in ages. I want to cry all the time. I don't cry. I rarely cry. But I want to cry all the time at the moment. WHY!? And I'm lethargic and grumpy in the mornings. Don't want to do anything. Be anything. Have anything.

Blah.

I'm not hungry either. No, that's wrong. I'm hungry, sort of. I just have no desire to eat. Food just isn't appealing to me. So its kind of really quite cruel.

And counselling. I don't like her. I'm not going back. End of story.

Okay. That's it. I had so much more to say, but now its all gone.

Bye for now, but not forever,
- CG

Today.

Today is many things. And an all round awful day.

But lets talk about Justice.

Justice, the horse who changed me. Who quite possibly saved me. You know it was a year ago today that I last laid a hand on him? It was a year ago today that I took him to the races and strapped him that first and only time. A year ago that I said goodbye. It feels like a lifetime ago, you know. But I'll never forget what one neurotic, inadequate racehorse did for me. The way he hung his head over the stall door waiting. He was always in a hurry that horse, never interested in a leisurely walk. Being with him was easily the highlight of my week. The human animal bond is something strange but wondrous. How we connect, how we recognise, how we know.

It broke my heart to walk away that cold afternoon. I spoilt him one last time, let him pick at the grass. Rugged him, hugged him and then it was all over.

I wonder about him sometimes, often. Whether he's found a new friend. Whether he's injured. Whether the world has simply given up.

It's my dream to see him again. Deep down I'm clinging to that silly little hope.

In a time before his career was doomed

Now lets talk about the rest of today. Want to hear about my day? Too bad you don't get a choice.

So this morning, before I'd even walked out the door to go to school, there were three family fights. I open my locker upon arriving to school and realise I've left all my maths books and my calculator on my floor at home. Then, being in an environment where socialising is key, I socialise like the sheep I so often pretend to be. Then Food Tech sucked. I hate Food Tech. Go die Food Tech, go die. The teacher is a mole and the students are dumb. Then its home time, and I've so been looking forward to this so I can go home and just be away from it all for a couple of hours until people come home. I trudge down the corridor tired, exhausted, resentful, hate filled. English teachers sees me, and he knows me. So he wants to know what's wrong. 

I've reached that point where there are just no words. So just let me be? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What a hysterically laughable suggestion that is. He was dead set determined to drag it out of me. You can guess what happened yeah? He made me cry. I kept telling myself "you are not going to cry" but it happened anyway. And I am not a crier. So it was intensely frustrating. Crying is something I do late at night when I'm alone, not in front of people. But hey, apparently I'm no longer writing this story. 

So now that I've been rail roaded into seeing the school counsellor... I was just too tired and too upset to argue my way out of this one. So please please please, can there be no space tomorrow. PLEASE!? If there is a God.... No, I'm not going there. That's low.

I so just wanted to go to sleep when I got home. But instead I had half a religion essay (who writes essays in RE!? WHO!?) to write and maths and some other stuff I obviously haven't done. Oh that's right, Food Tech. Screw that test. Bleh. 

You'll be glad to know that my maths is one third completed, and that I have drafted the introduction and two thirds of my first paragraph for my essay. Yay for me.

So yeah, bleh.

Bye for now but not forever,

- CG

Only a Fool Spends this much Time on the Great Gatsby!

And unfortunately I'm one of those fools. And what's so great about Gatsby? He's a bootlegger. Ooooooh, rebel. If this is one of America's greatest pieces of literature, I'm scared to read the other, um, 'greats'. Thank you English Literature task, thank you. Though, I have realised that my note taking is exceptionally odd. I create little mind maps all over the page and just branch and branch and branch until it appears to look like an intricate lot of spider webs.

Me? Weird? Never.

In the spirit of being me, here's a random subject change!

The Joker.

I never quite realised the full extent of this super villain's awesomeness! He is truly something extraordinary, there's simply no denying it. And whom do I have to thank for this chance to read into the Joker's exploits. My English class. I'm making a bold attempt at humanising him so we all feel sorry for him. Why don't we feel sorry for someone with a permanent smile and green hair who is relentlessly chased by some wannabe vigilante? Too far? Oh well. It's a fun assessment task and I never say that about school work!

-insert random subject change-

Not that its completely random... but I have this friend Alice who has the obsession with keytars. She tells me she's going to buy one and that no one could resist a band featuring a keytar and a ukulele.

While we're talking about Alice, I have a message for her...

ALICE!

I am insanely jealous of your wardrobe! I don't have anywhere like that to hide in my house. I just leave.

Speaking of leaving. I'm thinking about it. It's not normal the amount of fighting that happens in this house. It just goes on and on and on and on... Endlessly. I don't care what you say, I'm not a 'stupid fucking child' nor a 'lazy so and so' nor a 'fucking bitch' or anything else. The only person who says those things about me, is me. The only person that gets to hate me, IS ME. So there.

Yep.

My current regret? Choice of blade. That's it.

Bye for now but not forever,
- CG

Promise I'm Back For Good

Cheers to you if you end up reading this. I've become really, really inconsistent. But I promise I'm here to stay now. Notice I made the blog all pretty and new?

Just because I feel like informing you all... I have yet another new job. Yes, in the stables again. I think I'll be at this one for a long while. Been there since May and loving it.

It's kind of nice being back here. Having my space. My hard copy journal is cool but this is cool too. Bit more freedom with the decoration and such... Okay, okay! Enough.

And now, because you all love me so much you get to listen to me whinge! I'm kidding, you don't have to read it, consider this your warning.

Okay?

I think that hate is one of the most overused words in the English language, but I feel it applies here. I hate my family. I hate that its all double standards. I hate the fighting. I hate the name calling. I hate the use of weapons. I hate the obsessions. I have the fear. I hate feeling like I live in a war zone.

I think I just plain hate being around them altogether. And I'm not the sort of person who has lots and lots of friends and can go out all day and all night. Not just that, but I'm shy too and I just get tired out all to easily. So I stick around and just allow things to get worse. But what else can I do? If I can't leave, can't hide, can no longer just sit there and take it... all there is to do is fight back. Which is not ideal. Because once one person gets yelling, we all get yelling. It's not an ideal environment.

Everyone's just stressed all the time.

It sucks. I don't know what to do. No one has any answers. You know, its all just "deal.with.it"

Right.

Bye for now, but not forever (promise!)
- CG