Just Let Me Fade Away

I'm tired, and crabby and I hate life. I.Hate.Life. It's just so cruel and horrible and so mean. It's not fair. I want to cry and cry and cry. I just want to be happy but I can't even have that. It's all just fighting all the damn time and its so not fair. I'm not a disrespectful mole, or a stupid fucking child, or a lazy fucking child, a dumb fucking child or an ungrateful fucking child. I'm not any sort of fucking child and I resent all those comments and names and they wouldn't even know it!

Oh know! my 9yo sister grinds her teeth in her sleep due to anxiety... She says its because she doesn't feel safe at home. Gee, I wonder why!? Think the constant fighting might have anything to do with this? Nah, of course not. Naturally its my fault for being a dumb bitch and a terrible sister. They're totally blameless, but then I should expect that now. Nothing's changed in years and its never going to change. We can barely live in a whole house together, how are we going to do two-three months in half a house? I don't think I will be able to do it and if I don't cut myself to shreds before its over then I don't know what else will happen. I can't even find somewhere alternative to live for a bit.

It's all just so UGH.

And all that stuff with that girl, she's just so awful. So unbelievably mean. Posting lies all over her Facebook page, all weekend. Facebook is nothing but trouble. I freakin' hate it! But I can't delete it. I only ever got it to keep up with my friends outside of school, mostly in the racing industry. Somehow it became a school thing too. But most of my school friend's are gone now. Possibly the best thing I've ever done. I'm sure they'll all hate me for it, but I just want to hide. I go to school five days a week, excuse me for wanting a life of my own once I get home.

I'm all over the joint, so confused, contemplative, upset, lonely, sad, distressed, out of place, different, unhappy, lost... Who am I? Why am I here? What am I to do with all of this? Not to mention the massive amount of pain I'm in. I've been nursing my wrist since Saturday, my left knee is a wreck and even my elbow hurts. I wake up in the mornings with a headache and feel like I haven't slept. Just so tired. Exhausted. Weak.

I'm a mess! I hate my life, I hate myself and I can't even get away from it all for two seconds because something or someone always reminds me about it and then it all comes rushing back. And I just hurt all over again. And it sucks, and its awful and please, please just make it end! I can't even make it end myself because I don't have it in me to do something like that. So whether its inner strength or just plain fear, I don't know. Stupid mindless drive. GO AWAY! I don't want to get up and so this anymore.

I'm just so tired and over it and hurting. I hurt so much. Please, just let me fade away...

- CG