I promise you I am not dead, nor have I forgotten about this blog. This blog is an important part of my life and is the most effective recount of my time with Justice and my battle with depression and self harm (and assorted other injuries) up to this point.
However, I have decided in recent weeks that it is time to move on and write in a new place. I don't know what writing in the new place will achieve, but I hope it achieves something good. CFJ will always be here for people to read, and I hope people can learn something from my experiences, both good and bad. If not, then I hope it has been an enlightening read over the years, that has been captivating and has taken you on an emotional rollercoaster ride.
Sometimes, I'm quite sure, I've left you all a bit worried and sad, perhaps even sick, and I am sorry, but as I have said a multitude of times, you chose to read. CFJ has been my learning space, my truthful space and also my space to hide. I have always enjoyed sharing my journey with my readers and I hope you will all follow me to my new home in the sky.
In an effort to lose any undesireable who may or may not be hanging around and reading what I'm writing I will not be disclosing the new site address. However, if you shoot me an email at: autiosblog@gmail.com I will gladly provide you with my site address - this goes for you too anonymous posters, your support and advice is wonderful and I hope you'll contact me to keep in touch - even if you have to use anonymous emails.
So, thank you all for following my journey and I sincerely hope you will all contact me in due time to continue to follow my journey.
Thank you again, for everything.
- CG
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Today's weight: 68kg
What will everyone think when I'm gone?
It's not what you're thinking. I'm just upset and lost and probably a little confused but I can't see the confusion clearly right now. I have so much to say and yet I can't seem to find the words for it.
I just wanted things to work out, but now I don't know if they will. What if they don't?
Some days I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'll never get anything right, I'll never be good enough. I'm never going to be that person I'd envisioned.
How can I be?
I'm too messed up. Too broken. Too confused. Too worried. Too scared. Too, I don't know, me?
Why?
- CG
What will everyone think when I'm gone?
It's not what you're thinking. I'm just upset and lost and probably a little confused but I can't see the confusion clearly right now. I have so much to say and yet I can't seem to find the words for it.
I just wanted things to work out, but now I don't know if they will. What if they don't?
Some days I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'll never get anything right, I'll never be good enough. I'm never going to be that person I'd envisioned.
How can I be?
I'm too messed up. Too broken. Too confused. Too worried. Too scared. Too, I don't know, me?
Why?
- CG
Monday, March 28, 2011
Family, go die.
Today's weight: 68.5kg
Is it to much to ask for a good day? Where people just let me be happy? Is it?
Apparently.
Because I'm a disappointment because my walls aren't lined with an array of awards for my mother to brag about. And that's really disappointing, naturally. How dare I not be her honour roll child who is perfect, happy and has a nice normal job at Safeway. How.Dare.I. And how dare I like to to be left alone! How dare I be moody. How dare I like privacy. How dare I have a fucking personality.
I don't even like them. They seem to make a sport of upsetting me. And then when I'm all upset and shitty and don't want to talk to them they go mental and tell me its all my fault. It's not my fault, so fuck off. I don't come home to be put down. It takes five minutes after a good morning at work to bring me back down. Between school and home life is just fine and dandy.
I'm obsessed with my weight, I cut, I'm depressed and I can't decide whether I'm angry or upset. What's the point of this? Is it to make me hate life? Because I hate life.
No amount of butterflies, people telling me they care, the pretence of care at home, or the pretence of normality is going to fix that.
Fuck.It.All.
- CG
Is it to much to ask for a good day? Where people just let me be happy? Is it?
Apparently.
Because I'm a disappointment because my walls aren't lined with an array of awards for my mother to brag about. And that's really disappointing, naturally. How dare I not be her honour roll child who is perfect, happy and has a nice normal job at Safeway. How.Dare.I. And how dare I like to to be left alone! How dare I be moody. How dare I like privacy. How dare I have a fucking personality.
I don't even like them. They seem to make a sport of upsetting me. And then when I'm all upset and shitty and don't want to talk to them they go mental and tell me its all my fault. It's not my fault, so fuck off. I don't come home to be put down. It takes five minutes after a good morning at work to bring me back down. Between school and home life is just fine and dandy.
I'm obsessed with my weight, I cut, I'm depressed and I can't decide whether I'm angry or upset. What's the point of this? Is it to make me hate life? Because I hate life.
No amount of butterflies, people telling me they care, the pretence of care at home, or the pretence of normality is going to fix that.
Fuck.It.All.
- CG
Thursday, March 24, 2011
FML
Today's weight: 69kg
She says I'm not a big med taker, and I'm not. But she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand at all. Every med I take is regulating my body and how it function. Regulating how it functions. I don't need anymore. I don't need anymore and I don't want anymore. They taste bad. They taste bad and they're screwing with my natural functions. I'm unpredictable. I'm unpredictable, wildly moody, but mostly I'm just sad. I'm just sad and it hangs over me and it's kicking my arse. It's kicking my arse and I can't stop it. I want to kick it, but how do I kick something that is intangible. It's all intangible and only drugs can fix it. I don't want drugs, they taste bad. How can it be good for me when it tastes so bad. It tastes so bad and I just want someone to talk to. Not to problem solve. Not to problem sole because I'm not ready. Not ready and too antisocial. I just want someone to listen and tell me I'm normal. Tell me I'm normal and I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't done anything wrong and I'm not doing anything wrong. You don't understand. You don't understand how I cope. You don't understand how I cope because it looks bad. It looks bad its taboo. It's taboo and emos do it. Emos do it but I'm not emo, I'm just confused. I'm just confused and sad. I'm sad because everything is wrong and nothings wants to go right. Nothing wants to go right because the universe hates me. The unierse hates me and I don't know why. I don't know why and I don't understand. I don't understand and I'm hurting. I;m hurting and I'm lost. I'm lost because no one can tell me why. Why have all these things happened and why they keep happening and why I wake up every morning and why I keep trying. I keep trying because I haven't got the guts to end it. I haven't got the guts to end it and I'm harbouring too much pride. Harbouring too much pride so I won't ask for help. Not asking for help because I'm not convinced I need it. Not convinced I need it but knowing deep down I do. Deep down I do but I don't want someone to help, I want someone to listen. Someone to listen because she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand how I'm not a big med taker. She just knows. She just knows but she won't listen. She won't listen, she'll try to understand and problem solve. I don't want to be problem solves, I just want someone to listen.
- CG
Ps. I killed George
She says I'm not a big med taker, and I'm not. But she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand at all. Every med I take is regulating my body and how it function. Regulating how it functions. I don't need anymore. I don't need anymore and I don't want anymore. They taste bad. They taste bad and they're screwing with my natural functions. I'm unpredictable. I'm unpredictable, wildly moody, but mostly I'm just sad. I'm just sad and it hangs over me and it's kicking my arse. It's kicking my arse and I can't stop it. I want to kick it, but how do I kick something that is intangible. It's all intangible and only drugs can fix it. I don't want drugs, they taste bad. How can it be good for me when it tastes so bad. It tastes so bad and I just want someone to talk to. Not to problem solve. Not to problem sole because I'm not ready. Not ready and too antisocial. I just want someone to listen and tell me I'm normal. Tell me I'm normal and I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't done anything wrong and I'm not doing anything wrong. You don't understand. You don't understand how I cope. You don't understand how I cope because it looks bad. It looks bad its taboo. It's taboo and emos do it. Emos do it but I'm not emo, I'm just confused. I'm just confused and sad. I'm sad because everything is wrong and nothings wants to go right. Nothing wants to go right because the universe hates me. The unierse hates me and I don't know why. I don't know why and I don't understand. I don't understand and I'm hurting. I;m hurting and I'm lost. I'm lost because no one can tell me why. Why have all these things happened and why they keep happening and why I wake up every morning and why I keep trying. I keep trying because I haven't got the guts to end it. I haven't got the guts to end it and I'm harbouring too much pride. Harbouring too much pride so I won't ask for help. Not asking for help because I'm not convinced I need it. Not convinced I need it but knowing deep down I do. Deep down I do but I don't want someone to help, I want someone to listen. Someone to listen because she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand how I'm not a big med taker. She just knows. She just knows but she won't listen. She won't listen, she'll try to understand and problem solve. I don't want to be problem solves, I just want someone to listen.
- CG
Ps. I killed George
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
That awkward moment where the teacher has to ban the use of the phrase "animal porn"
Today's weight: 70kg
Not happy about this. Not happy about this. Not happy about this at all. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK etc etc etc.
And I really, really want to cut. It's like the thought is just sitting there, in my mind, and I'm thinking "do I, don't I, do I, don't I" and I don't know. I really want to do it. And then I don't want it. And then I really, really want it.
So I drew George. George is my butterfly and he sits on my forearm, where I cut. If I cut, I kill George, and I don't want it to come to that, but I don't know!
I guess it shows the George is doing his job if I'm experiencing this indecision.
I really like George!
Actually, the whole point of posting tonight was to write a list of all the things that are wrong with me, so here goes...
1. My left achilles tendon has tendonitis
2. My left ACL is strained
3. My left patella tendon has tendonitis
4. My right patella tendon has tendonitis
5. My right wrist possibly has tendonitis and most probably RSI
6. My right elbow has tennis elbow and a hypersensitive nerve
7. I have acne that varies in its horrendousness
8. One of my poisons [meds, but poisons is such a better name for them] causes me to be short of breath, which means when going up or down flights of stairs or removing elastoplast from a horse's hoof, which essentially makes me puff
9. I had PCOS, now I don't and now just have weirdo hormones
10. I have a soft heart murmur
11. I have a slow right ventricle - it's action is delayed
12. I have major depression
13. I have an anxiety disorder
14. I have low to non-existent self esteem
15. I obsess over my weight
16. I self harm
And there you have it. I'm feeling a bit confused about everything. Who am I? Where am I going? What am I going to do with myself? What if I screw everything up really badly? Why am I scared? Should I be scared. It goes on, and on and on, and I'm sad and tired and over it and I just want things to be nice and happy and simple, so I don't have to worry and stress and freak out and cry and obsess.
I really think George is going to die.
But I don't want him to.
I don't even know what to do anymore. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to deal with it anymore. I hate the cards I've been dealt with, I want a redraw. I'm asking so many questions and receiving so little answers. I know that most, if not all, of these questions are difficult, if not impossible to answer, but if they're so hard to answer then how do you cope? How do you go on? How do you right the wrongs when you don't know what they are and no one else knows either?
What kind of reality am I living in?
I look at that list, and I just think, why am I doing this to myself?
Why?
- CG
Not happy about this. Not happy about this. Not happy about this at all. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK etc etc etc.
And I really, really want to cut. It's like the thought is just sitting there, in my mind, and I'm thinking "do I, don't I, do I, don't I" and I don't know. I really want to do it. And then I don't want it. And then I really, really want it.
So I drew George. George is my butterfly and he sits on my forearm, where I cut. If I cut, I kill George, and I don't want it to come to that, but I don't know!
I guess it shows the George is doing his job if I'm experiencing this indecision.
I really like George!
Actually, the whole point of posting tonight was to write a list of all the things that are wrong with me, so here goes...
1. My left achilles tendon has tendonitis
2. My left ACL is strained
3. My left patella tendon has tendonitis
4. My right patella tendon has tendonitis
5. My right wrist possibly has tendonitis and most probably RSI
6. My right elbow has tennis elbow and a hypersensitive nerve
7. I have acne that varies in its horrendousness
8. One of my poisons [meds, but poisons is such a better name for them] causes me to be short of breath, which means when going up or down flights of stairs or removing elastoplast from a horse's hoof, which essentially makes me puff
9. I had PCOS, now I don't and now just have weirdo hormones
10. I have a soft heart murmur
11. I have a slow right ventricle - it's action is delayed
12. I have major depression
13. I have an anxiety disorder
14. I have low to non-existent self esteem
15. I obsess over my weight
16. I self harm
And there you have it. I'm feeling a bit confused about everything. Who am I? Where am I going? What am I going to do with myself? What if I screw everything up really badly? Why am I scared? Should I be scared. It goes on, and on and on, and I'm sad and tired and over it and I just want things to be nice and happy and simple, so I don't have to worry and stress and freak out and cry and obsess.
I really think George is going to die.
But I don't want him to.
I don't even know what to do anymore. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to deal with it anymore. I hate the cards I've been dealt with, I want a redraw. I'm asking so many questions and receiving so little answers. I know that most, if not all, of these questions are difficult, if not impossible to answer, but if they're so hard to answer then how do you cope? How do you go on? How do you right the wrongs when you don't know what they are and no one else knows either?
What kind of reality am I living in?
I look at that list, and I just think, why am I doing this to myself?
Why?
- CG
Saturday, March 19, 2011
So I totally Forgot about Doco Night on 7Mate and Now I've missed It
Today's weight: 69.5kg
As I was standing on the scales today I realised that posting my weight on this blog is only feeding my obsession. I also realised that this probably wouldn't change how I feel about myself. So I continued to stand on the scales and berate myself for weighing so much. I realise I'm not fat, I really do. I'm just worried about about weighing more than 70kg. Is that so irrational?
But, I definitely did forget about doco night and I definitely missed an interesting air crash investigation and I'm very disappointed! However, I got to watch a ship sink and now there's something about the Universe and space travel, so all is not lost. Ah, yes it is. Dad just put the cricket on. [I thought about mentioning the death of my brain cells, but then I remembered that I actually like cricket, so it would be misleading to write that]
So I'm feeling pretty blah tonight. But I have some news. I am two days clean of cuts. Now I am fairly sure I've just jinxed myself, but we'll see. Point is, two days.... So yay? I dunno. I'm not feeling yay about it all. It's not even that I went out of my way to stop, I just went to do it and thought "Why do I do this again?" There's this whole long list of reasons that I feel justify my behaviour [and do justify it indeed depending on whom you talk to] but nothing on that list seemed relevant and I felt like I was doing it out of habit, it was a routine. And if it's simply a routine then what is the value of continuing it?
I don't know whether my mood has evened out, or I've just slept a lot more than I needed to and am thus more prepared to deal with things. Actually, I don't know that my moods have evened out much at all. I'm still particularly snappy with people. Say the wrong thing and you shall die [a horribly slow and painful death in my head].
I think that'll do for tonight. I'm getting a touch distracted.
- CG
As I was standing on the scales today I realised that posting my weight on this blog is only feeding my obsession. I also realised that this probably wouldn't change how I feel about myself. So I continued to stand on the scales and berate myself for weighing so much. I realise I'm not fat, I really do. I'm just worried about about weighing more than 70kg. Is that so irrational?
But, I definitely did forget about doco night and I definitely missed an interesting air crash investigation and I'm very disappointed! However, I got to watch a ship sink and now there's something about the Universe and space travel, so all is not lost. Ah, yes it is. Dad just put the cricket on. [I thought about mentioning the death of my brain cells, but then I remembered that I actually like cricket, so it would be misleading to write that]
So I'm feeling pretty blah tonight. But I have some news. I am two days clean of cuts. Now I am fairly sure I've just jinxed myself, but we'll see. Point is, two days.... So yay? I dunno. I'm not feeling yay about it all. It's not even that I went out of my way to stop, I just went to do it and thought "Why do I do this again?" There's this whole long list of reasons that I feel justify my behaviour [and do justify it indeed depending on whom you talk to] but nothing on that list seemed relevant and I felt like I was doing it out of habit, it was a routine. And if it's simply a routine then what is the value of continuing it?
I don't know whether my mood has evened out, or I've just slept a lot more than I needed to and am thus more prepared to deal with things. Actually, I don't know that my moods have evened out much at all. I'm still particularly snappy with people. Say the wrong thing and you shall die [a horribly slow and painful death in my head].
I think that'll do for tonight. I'm getting a touch distracted.
- CG
Friday, March 18, 2011
Blah Blah Blah Blah Fuck
Today's Weight: 70kg
So yesterday I went to see a cardiologist.
I know what you're thinking - "Aren't you a little young for that?" And yes, yes I am. Even the doctor said so. But I learnt some interesting things about myself yesterday. I have a soft heart murmur. Yep, believe it. I'm not sure I can right now but I guess I kind of have to. And, my right ventricle is also slower than my left. Sometimes people are born with a slower ventricle, but by age five it has usually corrected itself. Of course mine didn't. Of course.
But the murmur is quite the revelation is it not? I get that its pretty harmless to me but of course my heart is defective.
Of course.
Why would I get to be normal? Huh. Why?
So now I have to do all these tests and I'm just not happy. So many questions, so little answers. Because you know, they've "never seen anything" like me. FML. Like seriously. I hate my life so much. So much.
I don't even know what to do.
Why can't things just work like they're meant to?
Why?
What did I do wrong?
Who hates me?
Is it the universe?
What did I do!?
I hate my life. I hate it. I don't know why I'm living anymore. I really don't. It's not fun. It's not happy. It's painful and sad. Depression, anxiety, whatever other shit they've labelled me with over the years, it's all kicking my arse. I can't win.
I'm not even sure I want to anymore. What's the point in fighting this losing battle any longer?
- CG
So yesterday I went to see a cardiologist.
I know what you're thinking - "Aren't you a little young for that?" And yes, yes I am. Even the doctor said so. But I learnt some interesting things about myself yesterday. I have a soft heart murmur. Yep, believe it. I'm not sure I can right now but I guess I kind of have to. And, my right ventricle is also slower than my left. Sometimes people are born with a slower ventricle, but by age five it has usually corrected itself. Of course mine didn't. Of course.
But the murmur is quite the revelation is it not? I get that its pretty harmless to me but of course my heart is defective.
Of course.
Why would I get to be normal? Huh. Why?
So now I have to do all these tests and I'm just not happy. So many questions, so little answers. Because you know, they've "never seen anything" like me. FML. Like seriously. I hate my life so much. So much.
I don't even know what to do.
Why can't things just work like they're meant to?
Why?
What did I do wrong?
Who hates me?
Is it the universe?
What did I do!?
I hate my life. I hate it. I don't know why I'm living anymore. I really don't. It's not fun. It's not happy. It's painful and sad. Depression, anxiety, whatever other shit they've labelled me with over the years, it's all kicking my arse. I can't win.
I'm not even sure I want to anymore. What's the point in fighting this losing battle any longer?
- CG
Monday, March 7, 2011
No One Wants to Own my Issues
Today's weight: 68kg
So, I saw one of my many specialists (past and present) today. She bounced me off to yet another specialist because the genetics department at the Royal Children's wants nil to do with me. They had some fancy name for "you're in the grey zone". Which basically means that I have some issues that could be in their department but they've elected to send me back. THE BASTARDS. So thanks to my issue with a certain medication that isn't a textbook side effect it probably isn't safe. So they're sending me to another specialist! Now watch this other one send me back. I'M NOT A FUCKING BALL. Stop treating me like one. I'm tired of ending up in the too hard basket. Do you understand the worthlessness that implies. That I'm not worth the time. How I'll never work this out, because you lot won't spend the time thinking. Using that apparent superior intelligence you lot apparently have. MAKE IT BETTER FFS.
I don't understand how modern medicine can sit there and marvel at me week after week. I don't understand at all.
And seriously, like I needed this on top of everything else that's going on. I'm just over it. Had enough, putting the breaks on. Forget it. I don't even care about school anymore. I only get so much homework done because I hate socialising at the moment. I'd rather sit in the library so everyone can think I'm a nerd than sit in a moody silence with people.
I don't get to win in life. I just suffer. And hurt. And ask why. Of course, no one ever has any answers. I'm just in that damned too hard basket.
Tonight this'll end in cuts.
Tomorrow, who knows.
In a month? The solution may be those horrendous anti depressants. Let's hope it doesn't come to that because I'm telling you right now I've had a gutfull of medications and won't have anymore. Specially not ones that are out to regulate my body. Like I said, had a gutfull of those.
- CG
So, I saw one of my many specialists (past and present) today. She bounced me off to yet another specialist because the genetics department at the Royal Children's wants nil to do with me. They had some fancy name for "you're in the grey zone". Which basically means that I have some issues that could be in their department but they've elected to send me back. THE BASTARDS. So thanks to my issue with a certain medication that isn't a textbook side effect it probably isn't safe. So they're sending me to another specialist! Now watch this other one send me back. I'M NOT A FUCKING BALL. Stop treating me like one. I'm tired of ending up in the too hard basket. Do you understand the worthlessness that implies. That I'm not worth the time. How I'll never work this out, because you lot won't spend the time thinking. Using that apparent superior intelligence you lot apparently have. MAKE IT BETTER FFS.
I don't understand how modern medicine can sit there and marvel at me week after week. I don't understand at all.
And seriously, like I needed this on top of everything else that's going on. I'm just over it. Had enough, putting the breaks on. Forget it. I don't even care about school anymore. I only get so much homework done because I hate socialising at the moment. I'd rather sit in the library so everyone can think I'm a nerd than sit in a moody silence with people.
I don't get to win in life. I just suffer. And hurt. And ask why. Of course, no one ever has any answers. I'm just in that damned too hard basket.
Tonight this'll end in cuts.
Tomorrow, who knows.
In a month? The solution may be those horrendous anti depressants. Let's hope it doesn't come to that because I'm telling you right now I've had a gutfull of medications and won't have anymore. Specially not ones that are out to regulate my body. Like I said, had a gutfull of those.
- CG
Thursday, March 3, 2011
This time I cannot disguise all the Doubt I'm feeling
Today's weight: 67kg
Well this made me pretty damn happy when I stepped on the scales this afternoon. But, I'll allow the admission that I'm worried by my "you could be thinner" attitude. It's just stupid.
There's this stream of talk that goes on in my head and its like "you're fat, and you're really just no good, completely worthless, why would anyone think anything of you, you're not good enough, you'll never do better, stop cutting its ugly, eat less, smile - people are staring, you do not fit in anywhere, etc etc etc." It just goes on and on and on. I'm listening to it again though. Sometimes I don't even notice and other times I'll catch myself listening and then I just wonder what I'm doing and why.
Why am I doing anything? I've had a chat with myself and I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't want to socialise, I don't want to do a damned thing. But for some reason I just keep plugging away at everything. So why? I know I spend a lot of time doing my homework because I like the distraction it gives. I don't get lost in thought when I'm thinking about Why Tsar Nicholas II had to abdicate in 1917 or why $100 dollars gives you $50 simple interest after X amount of years at X rate. It's not that I'm out to be a super nerd, I just like the peace and the distraction.
Mind you, all this extra time better get me some nice marks otherwise I'm throwing in the towel and just thinking. Because you know, it'd be nice not to be ridiculed for scoring below 90%. I really hate that. So? Go place your fucking expectations on someone else, I don't want to hear them! I don't want to hear your judgements! I'm doing the best I can with my current state of mind. I can't give you anymore! I.just.can't. So leave me alone. It would be much appreciated.
But of course, that is all just wishful thinking. Because nothing I do will ever be good enough.
I'm just so, so unhappy. I don't know what to do. I've tried and failed constantly at straightening myself out. I don't know why I can't manage it or what I'm going to do. So it's pretty much resulted in cutting. And this is daily at the moment. Two or three at a time. Always in the same place. It's becoming a touch painful actually. Considering moving where I do it, but I don't want to resume on my arms, because I have a natural tendency to inflict damage there. Three years later and you can still see the original scars.
I just keep getting more and more wound up with each passing day. I can't unwind. It's going to be fun when all this spontaneously comes undone.
- CG
PS. Jellyfish evaporate in the sun.
Well this made me pretty damn happy when I stepped on the scales this afternoon. But, I'll allow the admission that I'm worried by my "you could be thinner" attitude. It's just stupid.
There's this stream of talk that goes on in my head and its like "you're fat, and you're really just no good, completely worthless, why would anyone think anything of you, you're not good enough, you'll never do better, stop cutting its ugly, eat less, smile - people are staring, you do not fit in anywhere, etc etc etc." It just goes on and on and on. I'm listening to it again though. Sometimes I don't even notice and other times I'll catch myself listening and then I just wonder what I'm doing and why.
Why am I doing anything? I've had a chat with myself and I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't want to socialise, I don't want to do a damned thing. But for some reason I just keep plugging away at everything. So why? I know I spend a lot of time doing my homework because I like the distraction it gives. I don't get lost in thought when I'm thinking about Why Tsar Nicholas II had to abdicate in 1917 or why $100 dollars gives you $50 simple interest after X amount of years at X rate. It's not that I'm out to be a super nerd, I just like the peace and the distraction.
Mind you, all this extra time better get me some nice marks otherwise I'm throwing in the towel and just thinking. Because you know, it'd be nice not to be ridiculed for scoring below 90%. I really hate that. So? Go place your fucking expectations on someone else, I don't want to hear them! I don't want to hear your judgements! I'm doing the best I can with my current state of mind. I can't give you anymore! I.just.can't. So leave me alone. It would be much appreciated.
But of course, that is all just wishful thinking. Because nothing I do will ever be good enough.
I'm just so, so unhappy. I don't know what to do. I've tried and failed constantly at straightening myself out. I don't know why I can't manage it or what I'm going to do. So it's pretty much resulted in cutting. And this is daily at the moment. Two or three at a time. Always in the same place. It's becoming a touch painful actually. Considering moving where I do it, but I don't want to resume on my arms, because I have a natural tendency to inflict damage there. Three years later and you can still see the original scars.
I just keep getting more and more wound up with each passing day. I can't unwind. It's going to be fun when all this spontaneously comes undone.
- CG
PS. Jellyfish evaporate in the sun.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Happiness is fine but its momentary, a momentary lapse of reality
Today's weight: 69kg
Sometimes I forget people actually read this.
So today I'm sitting in Texts and Traditions, listening to the 'revision' talk and drawing stars on my page for the teacher to randomly come over and take the sheet off me. But not for me to get in trouble, just to show everyone which sheet we'll need to revise. Yeah, it was kind of awkward when everyone realised it was covered in stars.
I really just can't shake this mood. Usually I straighten myself out really quickly and just get on with things, but this time I'm having a considerable amount of trouble. By the end of the day I'm ready to hurt someone because I'm just so tired and I just don't care. I'm cutting, every day. School has undone all the progress I made with my knee over five months in just two short weeks. The surgeon said to avoid stairs and I said "fat chance".
It's not fair. I feel like a kid having a tantrum, but it's not fair. I didn't ask for this, I don't even want this. What if I decide to just give it all up yeah? What if I decide enough is enough? What if I decide I just can't pick myself up off the ground anymore?
CG
Sometimes I forget people actually read this.
So today I'm sitting in Texts and Traditions, listening to the 'revision' talk and drawing stars on my page for the teacher to randomly come over and take the sheet off me. But not for me to get in trouble, just to show everyone which sheet we'll need to revise. Yeah, it was kind of awkward when everyone realised it was covered in stars.
I really just can't shake this mood. Usually I straighten myself out really quickly and just get on with things, but this time I'm having a considerable amount of trouble. By the end of the day I'm ready to hurt someone because I'm just so tired and I just don't care. I'm cutting, every day. School has undone all the progress I made with my knee over five months in just two short weeks. The surgeon said to avoid stairs and I said "fat chance".
It's not fair. I feel like a kid having a tantrum, but it's not fair. I didn't ask for this, I don't even want this. What if I decide to just give it all up yeah? What if I decide enough is enough? What if I decide I just can't pick myself up off the ground anymore?
CG
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Yes I am Grumpy for Absolutely no Reason Whatsoever
Today's Weight: 67kg
I actually hate school with a passion. However, nothing makes me more grumpy/angry than going from school to home. GAH! Cannot win, totally ridiculous. I miss being around the horses. I really miss the summer holidays. I miss the sleeping and the freedom. Now, I get two and a half hours of homework every night and a whole lot of stress. What if I burn out? What if two and a half hours a night is too much? And it's only going to get worse from here. I know people say I'll get used to it, but I worry that I won't and I'll just spend all my time drawing stars in my margins.
I love stars though. Rhythmic. Can scribble and listen at the same time, there is little better than that.
But seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I just hate me. I'm a freakin' disaster. I'm wearing a rubber band again. Yeah. That's exactly where all this is going. Hate it, but I'm not ready to stop. Vicious circles. [Dane Cook likes those.... Brain Ninjas.... Youtube].
I don't know what to do as far as friends go anyway. People shit me up the wall. They really do. Former best friend has latched onto the group I'm in and I'm not sure I'm prepared to hang around. Which gives me two options - drifter, or the library. I'm sure a bit of both wouldn't be too bad. But I don't know. I feel like I know less and less everyday. It's not true but I often find myself wishing it was. I just don't want to understand anymore. I don't want to hear myself anymore. I know its only selftalk but its very, very negative. There was a time where I would do it, but I would be very aware of it and would thus stop. But now, now I just get all swept up in listening to myself. And I believe it. I caught myself once on Sunday morning, but that was it. I just listen to myself. And I shouldn't, because I'm bad.
Ah, I don't know. I'm just all caught up and lost in my own mind.
- CG
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
My Hair Seems to Change Colour Daily
Because I dyed it. And by that I mean not a new colour everyday, but I dyed on Sunday and with every wash the colour alters. Yesterday it was fluro red and today its a bit duller. Tomorrow it will be slightly duller again.
Today's Weight: 69kg
Well that's dangerously close to 70kg isn't? And I am not starving myself, I just have some slight issues with weighing anything more than that - lets just make that distinction. I've also been cutting again, what a shocker. Slightly more disturbing than that is the fact that I recently purchased a brand new pair of scissors - however, I can't say the cut any better than the old pair. Which kind of isn't the point. But anyway.
My former best friends still doesn't talk to me. Which is super awkward because she's kind of joined the group I have. But, I have taken a leaf out of her book and am just not talking to her. Which is still very, very awkward. The other thing that's kind of starting to worry me is I'm kind of becoming a bit forgetful. And it worries me because it's really unlike me. I mean, I may forget to water the plant but when it comes to homework, I just don't forget about stuff like that. It seems irrational to be so concerned, but its just so unlike me so I feel worried by it.
Stupid memory.
- CG
Today's Weight: 69kg
Well that's dangerously close to 70kg isn't? And I am not starving myself, I just have some slight issues with weighing anything more than that - lets just make that distinction. I've also been cutting again, what a shocker. Slightly more disturbing than that is the fact that I recently purchased a brand new pair of scissors - however, I can't say the cut any better than the old pair. Which kind of isn't the point. But anyway.
My former best friends still doesn't talk to me. Which is super awkward because she's kind of joined the group I have. But, I have taken a leaf out of her book and am just not talking to her. Which is still very, very awkward. The other thing that's kind of starting to worry me is I'm kind of becoming a bit forgetful. And it worries me because it's really unlike me. I mean, I may forget to water the plant but when it comes to homework, I just don't forget about stuff like that. It seems irrational to be so concerned, but its just so unlike me so I feel worried by it.
Stupid memory.
- CG
Friday, February 4, 2011
Today's weight: 68kg
I just hated today. It wouldn't end. School is just such a drainer and after two days I've completely had it. I dislike the teachers and I dislike many of the people. It's just ugh.
I've also started obsessing over my weight again, as you may have noticed. I have this phobia of weighing more than 70kg, I cannot cop that. Why? Because I feel really ugly and I will not weigh more than 70kg. No way, not ever.
I think, I think that I'm on a one way flight to wrecksville and I don't know how to stop it. This is exactly how last year started and this does not make me happy. I feel so unsettled and unhappy. I just want to cry. Because every single time I settle, its all ripped out from underneath me. I'm so tired of this, so so tired.
- CG
I just hated today. It wouldn't end. School is just such a drainer and after two days I've completely had it. I dislike the teachers and I dislike many of the people. It's just ugh.
I've also started obsessing over my weight again, as you may have noticed. I have this phobia of weighing more than 70kg, I cannot cop that. Why? Because I feel really ugly and I will not weigh more than 70kg. No way, not ever.
I think, I think that I'm on a one way flight to wrecksville and I don't know how to stop it. This is exactly how last year started and this does not make me happy. I feel so unsettled and unhappy. I just want to cry. Because every single time I settle, its all ripped out from underneath me. I'm so tired of this, so so tired.
- CG
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I couldn't think of a clever title
Today's Weight: 69kg
I just shouldn't ever bring my problems up with other people. They're usually right and I don't want them to be, so I get agitated and even more upset than I originally was.
What is the point of that? You don't know? Wonderful.
Just wonderful.
Because, I think my best friend hates me. Or at least just doesn't want to be friends anymore. She claims there is nothing wrong, but I don't believe her. I'm staring at that message like its all lies. How can nothing be wrong when she's attached at the hip to her old best friend and didn't even greet me on the first day of school until I said hi to her? How can nothing be wrong when I'm the one who always organises get togethers? How can nothing be wrong when she claims this is due to laziness, but all summer I watch her organise things with other people? Huh? Huh? But no, there's absolutely nothing wrong!
But I feel like there is. No one just does that, do they? It's definitely not a sign of friendship.
This whole situation reeks of deja vu. Because this is exactly what happened last year. I was no longer included in out of school get togethers and then when the summer holidays rolled around they just cut me off without a word. Of course, after they commited the crime of rumour spreading.
Just because its partially true does not mean you can say it. I don't do it to anyone. Do you know why? Because it hurts. I feel poorer for having trusted people, for letting them into my life. Why did I do it? I must have some kind of death wish, because having friends is killing me. Slowly and painfully.
Fuck. It's just not fair, I know I say this a lot, but its just not fair. Some people have it so easy, and its just not fair. Why do I have to work so hard to be let down all the time?
Anyone?
- CG
I just shouldn't ever bring my problems up with other people. They're usually right and I don't want them to be, so I get agitated and even more upset than I originally was.
What is the point of that? You don't know? Wonderful.
Just wonderful.
Because, I think my best friend hates me. Or at least just doesn't want to be friends anymore. She claims there is nothing wrong, but I don't believe her. I'm staring at that message like its all lies. How can nothing be wrong when she's attached at the hip to her old best friend and didn't even greet me on the first day of school until I said hi to her? How can nothing be wrong when I'm the one who always organises get togethers? How can nothing be wrong when she claims this is due to laziness, but all summer I watch her organise things with other people? Huh? Huh? But no, there's absolutely nothing wrong!
But I feel like there is. No one just does that, do they? It's definitely not a sign of friendship.
This whole situation reeks of deja vu. Because this is exactly what happened last year. I was no longer included in out of school get togethers and then when the summer holidays rolled around they just cut me off without a word. Of course, after they commited the crime of rumour spreading.
Just because its partially true does not mean you can say it. I don't do it to anyone. Do you know why? Because it hurts. I feel poorer for having trusted people, for letting them into my life. Why did I do it? I must have some kind of death wish, because having friends is killing me. Slowly and painfully.
Fuck. It's just not fair, I know I say this a lot, but its just not fair. Some people have it so easy, and its just not fair. Why do I have to work so hard to be let down all the time?
Anyone?
- CG
Monday, January 24, 2011
Only Nine Days Left
Nine days until summer holidays end and I have to start the long road that is years 11 and 12. It's not going to be easy, and well duh, its not meant to be. It's just going to be so much work - work I'm not dedicated to. And I've never been dedicated to my school work. I'm not going to lie, a lot of my assignments are last minute jobs.
At the beginning of each year I always tell myself that I'm going to put in some effort and it lasts two weeks, maybe three and then I get lazy again. I'm not interested and so far not being interested is getting my by quite nicely. I did no more than four pages of book work in maths first semester last year and still passed the exam.
So I don't know whether its the implied workload or the expectations that will king hit me. Everyone expects me to do well and expects that I'll be fine. Actually, I think it will be expectations. When my end of year report arrived my parents zero'd in on the ONE below par mark. The whole report was mediocre for me, but there's one 65% mark and shit hit the fan. That's what I'm dealing with. It's a sin to be mediocre when you can do better in this house.
- CG
At the beginning of each year I always tell myself that I'm going to put in some effort and it lasts two weeks, maybe three and then I get lazy again. I'm not interested and so far not being interested is getting my by quite nicely. I did no more than four pages of book work in maths first semester last year and still passed the exam.
So I don't know whether its the implied workload or the expectations that will king hit me. Everyone expects me to do well and expects that I'll be fine. Actually, I think it will be expectations. When my end of year report arrived my parents zero'd in on the ONE below par mark. The whole report was mediocre for me, but there's one 65% mark and shit hit the fan. That's what I'm dealing with. It's a sin to be mediocre when you can do better in this house.
- CG
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Well, hey
It's been over a month. It's also 2011. It's okay, I haven't cut so far this year. But I've wished to die, but not nearly as often as I've wished to leave.
It's so peaceful when I get away. I relax, and you know, I'd almost go as far as to say I'm happy. Nobody to tell me how ungrateful I am, how useless I am, how unappreciative I am. I'm somebody. I'm useful. There's a point. It takes less than five minutes for my family to take this away from me. It always happens on the car ride home. And I can't say this to anyone. Not my family, not my friends. Just my mostly faceless readers. I don't understand why things have to be this way. Is it more disruptive staying or leaving?
People talk these next two years up as the most important two years of anyone's schooling life. It's make or break time. A time that requires stability and focus. I have neither. I'm not even at school and I hate the thought and my family is making sure that stability is almost non-existent.
Am I being unreasonable and selfish though? So many times people have said to me "what have you got to be sad about" (or words to that effect). And sometimes I wonder. Because I have a family, food, a home, friends, I go to school, I'm smart... I think this is why I have so much trouble talking to people. Because they think I'm being selfish. That I'm doing this of my absolute free will. That I enjoy this. I suppose it's okay to think like that when you're on the outside and you don't have to live with it.
I've kind of forgotten where this was going and I think I've accidentally managed to change the subject. So I'll just wander off about now.
- CG
It's so peaceful when I get away. I relax, and you know, I'd almost go as far as to say I'm happy. Nobody to tell me how ungrateful I am, how useless I am, how unappreciative I am. I'm somebody. I'm useful. There's a point. It takes less than five minutes for my family to take this away from me. It always happens on the car ride home. And I can't say this to anyone. Not my family, not my friends. Just my mostly faceless readers. I don't understand why things have to be this way. Is it more disruptive staying or leaving?
People talk these next two years up as the most important two years of anyone's schooling life. It's make or break time. A time that requires stability and focus. I have neither. I'm not even at school and I hate the thought and my family is making sure that stability is almost non-existent.
Am I being unreasonable and selfish though? So many times people have said to me "what have you got to be sad about" (or words to that effect). And sometimes I wonder. Because I have a family, food, a home, friends, I go to school, I'm smart... I think this is why I have so much trouble talking to people. Because they think I'm being selfish. That I'm doing this of my absolute free will. That I enjoy this. I suppose it's okay to think like that when you're on the outside and you don't have to live with it.
I've kind of forgotten where this was going and I think I've accidentally managed to change the subject. So I'll just wander off about now.
- CG
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