Jumps Protesters Go Too Far

The 'Jumps Debate' is an issue very close to my heart, as it is with anyone involved with horses. I was going to go the races today, but opted out keeping in mind that I had to work the following day. I read an online article just now, detailing how smart steeplechaser Geeorb broke down today and it went on to talk about anti-jumps protesters and how they'd blocked the horse ambulance that was taking Geeorb to the Werribee Vet Clinic.

It makes me mad.

What were they trying to achieve other than making themselves look like a pack of tools? It's time Racing Victoria followed South Australia's lead and banned any form of protesting from racecourses on racedays.

I couldn't believe it when they all rushed off at this meet last year to take photos of Spanish Symbol's corpse, and this year they've blown me away again.

Herald Sun Article on the event

Well, there's my small anger release.

Hopefully Justice is still in work when I go in tomorrow.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

Further Wonderings

So, you know. I wonder, a lot. And write a lot of crap, distracting crap, but nonetheless crap. And I've been thinking way too much about things lately.

Like the friends thing, I'm pretty sure its me who is differnt. I don't know why or how. But I'm less inclined to sit with them now. Couldn't tell you why. They want to know why. I used a silly excuse. I needed an excuse to go, there it is.
I like the new group. I say a lot more, feel more comfortable.

I hate it when things change like this.

And school, where to start.
Being in an academic class is difficult, because I feel incredibly stupid in some classes. And when I don't understand, I don't even know what I don't understand. It's freaking ridiculous.

And to add insult to injury I haven't self harmed in months, but you know. There's a cut!?

Still nothing RE: Justice. But then no news is good news in racing!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

Is it Me who Has changed?

It's been like two days, which is awkward, perhaps, but the point is I have my internet back (long story).

Well, it was my birthday on tuesday. Got a new camera, which was brilliant. I've now moved up 6 megapixels in the world!!!
And I saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with some mates.

But, since going back to school from Community Service, I feel like something has changed in my group, and I'm now more comfortable with other people. It's weird, I feel like I've been waiting for an excuse to move away, and I don't know. It's weird. I'm weird (and proud of it).
I just feel like having a massive whinge about school and friends. I did today, sort of.

Anyhoo, not much to report on the Justice front. I don't even know how he pulled up.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the origina CG and Justice

He Ran Terrible

Justice ran really badly, I dunno what went wrong. It was stressful watching him come home... Something has to be wrong, because Justice has heart.


As promised, photos:

Prancing like a tool

Jockey Up

Dunno what's happening here

"OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!"

"Oh, hello"

"I'm a pretty boy"

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Justice

Tomorrow Is the Day

That's right, tomorrow is the day Justice returns to racing, its all very exciting. Hopefully he wins. It's needless to say that their will be lots of pictures.

But, I do wonder at the sanity of my brother at times. He's a physchotic smart arse. Sometimes its scary. You wonder if he'll really hurt you this time? (to be added to my list of wonderings!) It makes you feel bad, all the yelling and fighting, like it's your fault. You want to harm yourself, you want to feel loved. And they you wonder if you are capable of loving.

I mean, I care about people, but do I love them? I don't know that I know love.
I love Justice, that was inevitable in the end.

Wish us luck tomorrow!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

It's Finally Over

Well, I'm pleased to announce that community service is O V E R!!!!!

I spose it wasn't all bad. The grade three girls were quite amusing, very loud, screeching constantly. I got to correct maths work today, and it hurt my head and I couldn't believe I knew the answers off by heart at the end of it all! >.<

It puts you off teaching things like that.

But, its over. One more thing out of the way.

Raceday count: One day to go!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

I Wonder

I spend much of my day staring into space and daydreaming. And then when I get to bed, my mind is in overdrive, and I start wondering things.

So here is my list of wonderings:

• I wonder what it's like to feel no pain.
• I wonder if God really did speak to Moses.
• I wonder what it's like not to feel sad.
• I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been introduced to Justice and the other horses I work with.
• I wonder what would have happen if I'd stood up for myself in primary school.
• I wonder at wondering.
• I wonder why bad things keep happening.

And then I stop. And feel sad again. Because the bad things keep happening, and I wonder, "where did I go wrong?". And then I cry myself to sleep.

It's a sad cycle that I wish would stop, but, it is going to be my life it would seem. Depressing.

And to add insult to injury, I couldn't get to sleep last night due to pain in my wrist that stopped me typing last night. I had to patch up. Miraculous things those patches.

Mine are called Icewave, they take the pain away, using light crystals and acupuncture points. Amazing.

Only two more days til Justice's race.

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Justice

Getting Tricky

I feel dull, lifeless, exhausted, like I don't want to go on.

There is only two more days left of community service, thank god. I mean don't get me wrong, the people are great, it's just tiring, and I'm tired, and in pain. I just want to be with the horses because it's the only place where I feel right, and happy and like I belong.
I don't feel like that anywhere else anymore. I'm just not happy anymore.
Kill me. It's ridiculous. I've never wanted to go back to school so much in my life!!!!

I don't know what to write, or what to do.. I have to stop typing now, it's hurting my wrist.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

Three Days To Go

Well, I ran out of time last night, and failed to write anything here at all. But I will today.

I am now two days into the dreaded community service and am already over it. I would really rather be at school. So far I've sat in a corner, watched Wall.e, spelt words, helped with PE and actually eaten food.
I guess I'm eating because I'm surrounded by adults and they don't know me, and I don't want the questions and looks.

But it's boring, so so boring. In the staff room they talk about their pets ffs. Teacher from my school is visiting tomorrow, so looking forward to this....

But I feel really bad at the moment. Like, really bad. I just, dont know.

And the new fish has a name! Jaws. I will try and get a photo.

Anyhoo, Harry Potter calls,

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

What Is Going On?

Well, Justice is not going to the races on Tuesday or Thursday. As it turns out, he's going to the races next Sunday. Will I get to strap him? Apparently not.

He went and had his 'day out' today. I was too tired and too sore to participate and I have no idea how he coped with standing around all day.

But it is seriously irritating me how some people think I can't handle him. Justice is one of the nicest horses I get to handle, and I'm not about to stop looking after him.

The other girl won't be taking him next sunday, it will be someone else, shouldering in on our turf.

Well, Justice gets his chance to prove he's awesome.

On a more sour note, I start community service tomorrow. Shoot me now. Please, shoot me now!

>.<

I got a new fish today as well. He's nearly the same as Pirate, but he has black patches, he's pretty cool, but I wish I'd stop referring to him as dude!

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

Straight From the Heart

One of my beloved goldfish died yesterday, and this is straight from my journal.

" The clock says it's nearly 1am, so I'll write for both days as best I can.

Fanta died today. Well he wasn't quite dead when we flished him, but he'll be dead now. He'd been sick for the past two weeks. Or perhaps he'd been sick all of his life. There's been the floating incidents and I realise now that he'd never grown. Pirate is huge now, Fanta was still little.

But these past two weeks, he'd just sink. I said it to Mum and she suggested he was just having a bad day. He never got better.

When I got home from the movies yesterday, he was on his side. I really thought he would die last night, but I woke up this (yesterday) morning, and he was still there. It didn't quite hit me til an hour ago. I wanted him to die. It sounds horrible but he was so sick, he got stck in the plants, could barely move. So Mum flushed him for me"

Bye for now but not forever,

- the original CG and Justice

Is He or Isn't He?

I got an automated email from a website I use informing me that Justice is nominated for two race meets next week. Tuesday and Thursday. Yet on the official racing site he appears nowhere. So confused as I am, I try to log into this site to explore why Justice is a nominee on one site and not on another.

It took me several goes to remember which password I used on this site, and when I finally got it, it stopped working. And it continues too tell me that "this link appears to be broken" an hour later. When I asked a friend to try the forementioned site over MSN, it worked perfectly fine! So now I'm sitting here going, "Why, why!"

I spose I'll have to have a look at the board when I go in to work on Sunday. Because there is no way in hell Justice is going to the races without me.

Well thats the end of my semi rant/semi "IMSOFREAKINEXCITED" post so,

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

Life Goes On

It's thursday today, that makes tomorrow friday. And that means that it's technically the last day of the school holidays, and that means that I start community service on monday. Crap.

But why do I have to do an assignment while I'm on community service? Is it not bad enough that I have to go to begin with!? I swear... What am I gunna do with a bunch of primary school kids any? How am I going to be 'making a difference'? Hmm...
Hopefully Justice will go to the races during that week *fingers crossed*

I saw Year One today. It was actually really, really funny. There were lots of Bible references, and it played out sort of through the Bible's Old Testament. Jack Black was back where he should be, doing comedies. He sucked in the Holiday, the man should NEVER EVER do a romance type film. It doesn't suit him at all.
Michael Cera (Juno) was really good too. I'd definitely see it again.

It shat all over Ice Age 3. I think that concept is a bit tired now. The weasel character was good, he seemed to steal the show, but overall it was pretty average.


And it suddenly occured to me last night that you may not know that I live in Australia. Well, I do, and now you know that :D

And I finally got my room back, after getting up at the obscure holiday hour of 8.45am this morning.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

I Don't Know What to Write Today...

... so I thought I'd share a favourite photo of mine. I took it while on holiday in Merimbula earlier this year. Good timing I think.

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

I Still Think Pokemon Are Cool!

Yes, sad as it may or may not be, I am still enjoying pokemon. Good ol' Pikachu. 93.3% of people remembered Pikachu according to this quiz. Weird.
Everyone will be glad to know that my ringtone is currently the original pokemon theme song.
I wanted to embed this, but they wouldn't let me :(

And you should watch this.

Ok, I swear that's it with the Pokemon links!

"Pokemon, gotta catch em all, it's you and me, i know its my destiny, pokemon, oooh you're my best friend in a world we must defend"
Yep, sad I know.

tehehehe

On the downside, my wrists are totally screwed. Playing guitar hero without taping my hands was THE worst idea ever! Point is, I'm actually really good at it :D

Justice didn't go to a practise raceday today, soon though.
I can already see the beginnings of a rash on my wrists.

It totally begs the question though, how can I possibly have a list of problems this long in today's day and age?
The Royal Children's Hospital gave up on me, and well.... it didn't get better, it just got worse. It's just bullshit, for lack of a better word. It makes me feel bad and it is bullshit.

Anyhoo..

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

Justice and Me

I'm not the sort of person to get into things on a deep and personal level. I do talk in this depth with a few people close to me, but even then it's not often. So today I choose to talk about the bond between me and this horse.

I'm sure some of you wonder why an animal? Why a horse, a racehorse, Justice?
The answer is simple, yet complicated.

Sometimes in life, you find there are things in life you just can't tell anybody. Sometimes you sit there and share these things with a beloved cat or dog. I share with Justice.
When I met this horse, I think he was largely misunderstood more than anything else. No one really wanted to love him and look after him. I think that's what he needed. Before I came across him, I'm fairly sure he had a history of being mean, to say the least. I haven't asked because I don't want to know. The horse I know isn't mean.
Only one other person bothered to give him attention, and to spend time with him. And that was ultimately how we bonded. I cherish our friendship, and it happened because of Justice.
When I was just working sundays, no one else would go near him, and by accident he'd be palmed off to me. I liked him that first time we went for a walk. He was an amusing character.
The day the boss noticed I was walking him, he didn't like it.
But I was attached anyway.

But now he is 'my' horse. Everyone at work has 'their' horses. He is mine. He knows it too. Even though he gets hyped up sometimes and drags me round, he doesn't mean it. He doesn't bite, I've never seen him kick anyone. He just gets a little bit over excited from time to time. But at the end of the day, Justice is a racehorse.

I suppose its knowing that something out there is happy to see you when you're around. It's nice that he nuzzles me and does cuddles. It's nice to practise the simple things in life, such as walking. He's in a rush, and sometimes I am too. And you sit back later, after the moments have finished and you wish you'd seized the chance to make the moment last, because in that moment, you realise, you were everything you wanted to be. And everything you wanted to be is gone again.
When we rush, we lose ourselves. When we slow down we are found again. We all need to slow down and smell the roses once and awhile, just to remind ourselves who we are.

Now I'm thinking and seeing how I do rush. I try and rush school, mostly because I hate it, but that rushing is hurting me in the long run. My latest report was pretty terrible, and I'm not sure how I'll go about changing it. School hurts me more than anything.
Being with Justice and with the people at work has shown me who I am again, because I slow down. I am me. I don't have to hide there.

The benefits of having an animal companion are numerous. They just listen to you, they know when things are wrong, they know when things are great, they know when to challenge you and they know when to let you be.

Who are your special friends?

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

He Can Walk

Justice after a lazy morning walk. Well it wasn't really a walk, more like a prance/trot. Just like he doesn't do clean, he doesn't walk. But we've been practising that. He still doesn't quite get it though. >.<

Average day though. My shoulder is killing me, all the muscles are strained. And I didn't start my homework like I said I would, and I'm about to turn around and shoot my grandmother *just 4 more nights, just four more nights*
But the need to self harm is incredible, like I think I'm going to have to do it, and I don't want to but it's a difficult need/feeling to ignore. Guess I'll continue to blame it on the cat.

I like to think I have the grounds to do it. I've been thrown out of my room ffs. I haven't slept this badly since this time last year AND my sister keeps going through all my stuff.... half it will disappear before thursday! I'm just angry.

And its been officially two years and four days since my injury saga started. All over a box!! A box! First my ankle, then my wrists, now my knee >.<

I guess I'm just being a grump, a tired grump. Hmm...

This 'quote' made me smile:

"Dont make me come down there"
- God

As a religion nerd, I must laugh.

Anyway..

Bye for now but not forever,
- the original CG and Justice

I Can Do That With My Horse

If I ever have to see the Hume Highway ever again I think I will just go ahead and die. The trip home yesterday was agonising. But the day was worth it. I strapped two horses, Yoyo and Haumea. Both ran 5th.
And Yoyo nearly ran me over. I think he tripped, then tripped me, then he skipped over me in fright. First time racers...

But it was good seeing Justice. He was happy to see me too. But no grass. Poor him.
He dropped a shoe just as we sent him out to work. It was a good work though, he looks great. He was in a rush to get home though, silly horse. Wouldn't stand still so we could his tongue tie off. During the process of hosing him down, I got wet too, and dirty. Justice doesn't do clean. But thats why I love him.
The other girl who looks after him when I'm not around was complaining that she'd been away for a week, and now everyone wants him. And well its the truth. Justice has a future and now everyone wants to know him. *sigh* They can all piss off.

Then it was off to Wodonga. I'm willing to swear the drive there wasn't as long as the drive back. The driver swears driving from Sydney to Melb is shorter!
When we arrived back, Justice was really cute. He tried to open his stall door, and eat my jumper, and he was sniffing me, and then he started nuzzling me. It would be fair to say the horse loves me as much as I love him.
Then one of the other girls was giving the horse in the box next door a hug and saying to me "you can't do this with your horse"
I proved I could, and there are photos of me and him cuddling.

I think he's going to the races on tuesday just for a day out. He doesn't settle at the track. So hopefully this will help. He's a good horse, Mr. Justice...


Bye for now but not forever,
- CG and Justice

I Want My Room Back

Yes, yes I do.

I think it's uncalled for to throw me out of my room. I'm nearly fifteen, and the oldest child, but by all means make me share. It might as well no longer be my room.
*groan*

Just six more nights....

More importantly I get to see Justice tomorrow morning, then off to Wodonga races, and then back to the stables, see Justice briefly and home to bed. Maybe I'll sleep better tomorrow night, because last night was horrendous.
2.50am was the last time I saw the clock, then it was 4.30am, then 6.20am and then 8.30am.

What a night.

I wonder if Justice ate much today? I need to spend some time giving him grass...
We're quite similar me and that horse. He doesn't eat much, nor do I. We both have a history of injuries...
Atleast tomorrow promises to be a know-it-all free day!

Well, bye for now but not forever!

- the original CG and Justice

Trial Morning

Some Photos From the Trial

This is our Story

My name doesn't matter. The horse is Justice, but that doesn't matter either. This is our story.



In about Febuary 2008, I self harmed for the first time. Sitting here over a year later I put it down to the beginning of some very unfortunate circumstances.

I'm an avid racing fan, and am the no.1 fan of Apache Cat. The day he won the Lightning Stakes, I had to go to a wedding. To top it off, I wore a dress. I hate dresses, I think a skirt is pushing it, but I wore a dress. It started out ok the wedding. But then these to girsl caught sight of me.


In past times, I was later told, I was friends with these girls. They didn't remember me, nor did I remember them. It didn't stop them picking on me.


They laughed at me all night, threw things at me, and told people a lot of crap about me. It seemed so much worse that day. I cried. Cried because it hurt and because I'd missed a special horse win an important race.


Apache's next race was to be in two weeks time, so I focused on that.


That monday I got a birthday party invitation. Turned out that party was on the same day as Apache's next race, and his last race in Melbourne until November. When I told Mum, she got mad at me for putting the race first saying "I'm not letting a horse get in the way of a friendship". I just walked away and cried. Thinking about how Apache wasn't just a horse and that the friendship in question hadn't quite been the same for quite some time.


It was when I sat in my room that summer's afternoon that the marks first appeared on my arm.


If the other girl's at school noticed, they didn't say anything. A teacher noticed though, and he did everything.



That was the point where it all went wrong, where the demons long pushed away in my mind finally got out and everything just went to shit, for lack of a better word.

Less than a month later my grandfather died, after a four year battle with alzheimers and dementia. I remain strong in my opinion that the nursing home killed him, but thats another story.

Things went up and down constantly, I was never quite happy and my grief was often fuelled by the constant complaints from my tendons. In july the previous year a box was dropped on the back of my ankle. The box shouldnt have caused two years of problems, but it has. My ankle healed (sort of) on its own after the doctor's at the Children's Hospital simply went "Well, we don't know". But by that point my wrists were taped up, and most recently my patella tendon has gone.


Taping my wrists started 'emo' and 'self harm' rumours. They weren't far off the mark about the self harm, but I wonder "who could possibly be stupid enough to place adhesive tape over a wound?". I've never harmed my wrists in any way, shape of form.



In late august last year, I got a volunteer position in a well known racing stable. It was a turning point, somewhere where I became strictly me. I made lots of new friends, friends I'll never forget, but most importantly I met Justice here.


When I met Justice, he was just an average horse, a pretty one, but average. He didn't walk, he pranced and trotted, tucking his nose into his chest. I liked him from day one.


I walked this horse, and stood with him while he picked at the grass every sunday for two months. The sunday before his first race the foreman was alarmed to find that I was walking him. It seems Justice has a vile history, but I've never seen that side to him. Point was, Justice was behaving.


He ran 5th in that race. He got out too late to gain ground, I wasn't too disappointed, just glad he got to the track. The jockey assured us he'd win his next race. When we got home during the afternoon shift in the stable, the foreman laughed because the horse and I stood quietly side by side. That was when he truly did become 'my' horse. Everyone knows he's mine now.


At his second race, he ran second. He should of won, but he near shat himself when the eventual winner flew past him. They decided on blinkers for his next race.


Less than a week later, Justice was gone. Injured. He strained a suspensory ligament.


That hurt.



Five long months later, he came back. He still knew me, he still loved grass, he still pranced around, still was Justice. Only this time he was a gelding.



On tuesday, Justice ran second in a trial. They like him now, they think he's got a pretty good future. I like him too. I wouldn't care if he didn't have a future. But he does, and that's a bonus.

Together Justice and I are going somewhere. Justice will follow me to recovery, and I will follow him to the races.


Please check back regularly for stories about him, and stories about me, and stories about us. I think our story needs telling, but for a story to be told there needs to be an audience.


Bye for now, but not forever!